A Good Path for Me!

[LTE]

Will Master Po be the next incarnation of your avatar, LTE??? Do you actually have a head of hair or using the razor??

Much better this evening than mid morning, I was really out of sorts earlier... I don't think I was in any real danger of delving into PMO. That just does not seem like any kind of an option anymore. But, honestly the mood I was in was precisely why I so often sought masturbation before. Kind of an all encompassing frustration bordering on anger, anger with no cause or reason, anger stemming from the frustration. I think the root of all anger is really fear. In hindsight , sitting here on our couch, I realize I was irrationally afraid this morning. Not good as there was no need to be. But, that is the thing about fear isn't it? It is never really serving any purpose... that old adage about fear- false evidence appearing real!

I turned into the fear this morning not away from it with PMO. I did not return to bed and climb under the covers. I did not use any form of medication or mask. Guess what? The day went progressively better and that just kept building and building! Amazing.

See , still learning after all this time!

Be still and you will see for yourself, Grasshopper. Now, I must go and meet my monk buddies over a keg of cheap beer.

Interesting thoughts FC. I think that I have the same pattern of behavior, boredom, frustration, anger, etc.

 

[fcjl8]

Check in... Friday afternoon. Not a bad day... sunny skies , snow storm coming tonight... not cool. The early spring birds should be here soon and we are getting hit with 6-10 inches of snow???

Another day free from pornography and masturbation, feeling quite randy as my wife and I had scheduled some mid morning sexy time earlier this week then we both got way too busy with work and life and the playtime never happened... oh well. Something to look forward to.

I was invited to a stag, "gentleman's dinner" tonight by a client who is having it for his soon to be son in law... I felt like I should go but really there is nothing about a stag I want to take part in! So I am home with my wife and son and just relaxing!!

 

[LTE]

Check in... Friday afternoon. Not a bad day... sunny skies , snow storm coming tonight... not cool. The early spring birds should be here soon and we are getting hit with 6-10 inches of snow???

Another day free from pornography and masturbation, feeling quite randy as my wife and I had scheduled some mid morning sexy time earlier this week then we both got way too busy with work and life and the playtime never happened... oh well. Something to look forward to.

I was invited to a stag, "gentleman's dinner" tonight by a client who is having it for his soon to be son in law... I felt like I should go but really there is nothing about a stag I want to take part in! So I am home with my wife and son and just relaxing!!

I think you made a good choice here. That licentiousness is no good.

 

[robust]

I like your thinking. You've got a view of this world, which I like. Good man!

 

[fcjl8]

Thanks men,

It was obvious that not going to the stag was the right choice.

Saturday morning lots of snow last night. No major plans today...

I am going to plant some veggie and flower seeds in starter trays in our sunroom, being optimistic that winter will stop sometime in 2014! Then I have a couple of bathrooms to clean!

I will read one of Henri Nouwens Lenten meditations when I need a break.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

fc,

Wanted to thank you for dropping by my journal yesterday. I always appreciate your thoughts. I fully expected that you would make the right choice about the stag party. I'm sure wife also appreciates the "sacrifice" that you made for her, too. More brownie points that you can collect on later!

 

[Viper]

it's so tough to stop looking. But you're also aware that you know it will trigger
lustful thoughts. I'm glad you recognize the significance. I have struggled in that area
weather it's at the mall or on my commute to work.

It's definitely worth the effort. I've reached a point now where I have pretty much no interest in looking at women. There's no point in looking, because I am not going to have sex with any of them and I am also not going to fantasize about them. Looking at other women also interferes with my goal of focusing all of my sexual energy on my wife. At first I had to work hard not to look, but now "not looking" pretty much happens naturally.

It's gotten a lot better for me. I still notice but it's much less intense and not lustful.

I'm trying and it's so tough. Especially on the escalators going up. Geeze!
I found that wearing my headphones listening to something helps. It's like a distraction instead of walking looking ahead of you, see a nice ass, then look away.

If you happen to look up and catch it, that's fine but gawking is out of the question. We're not in junior high!

 

[Jverhoye]

I love Henri Nouwen!  Which reminds me, as I look through your journal and others it's been helpful to see what guys are filling their minds with other than porn.

 

[Big Lebowski]

Yo what'up FC, good too see you on here man, you're really shining in this my man, the will and determination you have is admirable to say the least. Keep on keeping on dude.

 

[fcjl8]

Sunday, church with my wife this morning... my son stayed home and slept in! Good service just my wife and I are not really too agreeable last night and this morning.

I had the nerve to express that she had disappointed me a few times last week by leading me to believe we had scheduled some intimacy and then it not happening, this went on pretty much all week and again last night. It's funny how women can lay out all the flaws that we men have and need to work on but they can get pretty defensive if their man speaks out about something bothering him! That is what has me pretty pissed off. Not the various reasons why intimacy did not suit her but that I get "shut down" for speaking the truth about how that makes me feel. At times like this it is no wonder that over 50% of married men look at porn.

I am not going to seek out PMO, my sobriety and continued progress is too important to me! I just totally get how men in a relationship can so easily be tempted when the natural sex drive is a part of our being and our partners can be totally oblivious to what that means.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

I used to complain to my wife (directly or passively aggressively) about not getting enough sex, or not getting enough "adventurous" sex. It never did any good. In fact, I think it only made matters worse. I eventually figured out that I was better off not complaining, and better off not pouting if I didn't get sex when I wanted it. The less I complained or pouted the better I felt about myself and about her, and for whatever reason, her interest in sex seemed to increase.

As you just noted in my journal, now I'm the one who's trying to have less sex...

PS: I used to justify my PMO habit as a response to not getting enough sex (or enough of the "right kind of sex") from my wife.

 

[Jverhoye]

Hey Paul, there is a great book that was recommended to me by a friend that really speaks to your last post.  Check it out if you get a chance and maybe you'll see you and your wife in there:  How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, by Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D.

One thing I've learned recently is that sometimes women can get very defensive if they think their, "I have to do it all and be everything to everyone" mindset is being challenged.  If she's like a lot of wives, they put the "Wonderwoman" costume on but get upset if a chink in the armor is pointed out, even lovingly.  Just a thought for you to consider...

 

[LTE]

Sunday, church with my wife this morning... my son stayed home and slept in! Good service just my wife and I are not really too agreeable last night and this morning.

I had the nerve to express that she had disappointed me a few times last week by leading me to believe we had scheduled some intimacy and then it not happening, this went on pretty much all week and again last night. It's funny how women can lay out all the flaws that we men have and need to work on but they can get pretty defensive if their man speaks out about something bothering him! That is what has me pretty pissed off. Not the various reasons why intimacy did not suit her but that I get "shut down" for speaking the truth about how that makes me feel. At times like this it is no wonder that over 50% of married men look at porn.

I am not going to seek out PMO, my sobriety and continued progress is too important to me! I just totally get how men in a relationship can so easily be tempted when the natural sex drive is a part of our being and our partners can be totally oblivious to what that means.

I know what you mean. I wish I had a solution but all I can offer is that being able to weather a drought seems to be the best answer. Have sex when you can, learn to live without it when it's not available. I think that Marnia is really onto something with Karezza.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

Just got back from church myself.

I wanted to add to my earlier post some wise words from a book I have called "The Power of a Praying Husband". The author of the book makes the case that we can't change other people: only God can do so. Instead of trying to change our spouse (e.g. by nagging, complaining, pouting, forcing, etc.), we should instead pray for God to change them. But there's a catch: in order for God to answer our prayers, we need to first pray that our own hearts are in the right place and that we are not praying selfishly.

In your case, the "problem" as you see it is that your wife doesn't give you enough sex. In a more general sense, the problem is that there is a gap between how much sex one partner wants and how much sex the other partner wants. In order the solve that problem, the gap needs to be closed, which can happen when one person increases the amount of sex they want, one person decreases the amount of sex they want, or a combination of both.

This means that if you were to pray for the situation, you could obviously pray for your wife to want more sex, but you could less obviously pray for yourself to want less, or a combination of the two. In the case of you wanting less sex, while that may not sound appealing, it's worth keeping in mind that you have more control over yourself than you have over your wife.

 

[LTE]

I would only add that learning to view sex as something shared instead of something you "get" might help too. If you truly give of yourself sexually you will probably have a much happier mate than if you are merely seeking relief for you horniness.

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

I would only add that learning to view sex as something shared instead of something you "get" might help too. If you truly give of yourself sexually you will probably have a much happier mate than if you are merely seeking relief for you horniness.

Good point. I've been thinking lately about the idea that maybe sex is not a "thing" that is separate from or that can be separated from the rest of a relationship, and that the more we make it a separate thing by itself, the more trouble we get into.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I don't think this is really that important but just want to mention that I never developed ED... I always maintained a pretty good sexual relationship with my wife... I did not want to free myself from my PMO addiction for reasons related to ED.

The benefit that I did not expect or even consider as I began my recovery was much fuller erections that maintain themselves for almost any duration that my wife and I play. So, although I did not have full blown ED or even close to it. I had not realized how less my erections were until moving away from PMO. This has been a happy dicovery.

We even try karezza from time to time. Non goal oriented sexual connection and energy transference, just relaxed connection with no urge to reach climax. And this is a much better experience with the improved erectile function.

I just wanted to share this to encourage anyone here who is looking at the Ed aspect of reboot!

Sunday, church with my wife this morning... my son stayed home and slept in! Good service just my wife and I are not really too agreeable last night and this morning.

I had the nerve to express that she had disappointed me a few times last week by leading me to believe we had scheduled some intimacy and then it not happening, this went on pretty much all week and again last night. It's funny how women can lay out all the flaws that we men have and need to work on but they can get pretty defensive if their man speaks out about something bothering him! That is what has me pretty pissed off. Not the various reasons why intimacy did not suit her but that I get "shut down" for speaking the truth about how that makes me feel. At times like this it is no wonder that over 50% of married men look at porn.

I am not going to seek out PMO, my sobriety and continued progress is too important to me! I just totally get how men in a relationship can so easily be tempted when the natural sex drive is a part of our being and our partners can be totally oblivious to what that means.

I know what you mean. I wish I had a solution but all I can offer is that being able to weather a drought seems to be the best answer. Have sex when you can, learn to live without it when it's not available. I think that Marnia is really onto something with Karezza.

As a reboot partner and lady that has done the karezza - lemme let you guys in on a little secret - for about TWO WEEKS after a lady O's our reward systems deal with the flush of hormones. I did not believe this in the beginning, but shoot if it isn't true for at least me.

TWO WEEKS

It is just as unmanageable as "the craves". I just kinda want to be left alone or start a fight, or shop my brains out. Karezza helps a bunch. I've been able to control this through the first pass at our reboot/rewiring, avoiding O for myself, but when O happens it is very challenging for about two weeks.

It hasn't become a huge issue yet, but if we make it into a recovery mode it will.
(Just trying to help here, offering one possible explanation, not saying this is true in your case.)

 

[LTE]

I would only add that learning to view sex as something shared instead of something you "get" might help too. If you truly give of yourself sexually you will probably have a much happier mate than if you are merely seeking relief for you horniness.

Good point. I've been thinking lately about the idea that maybe sex is not a "thing" that is separate from or that can be separated from the rest of a relationship, and that the more we make it a separate thing by itself, the more trouble we get into.

That makes a lot of sense. My view, perhaps a bit idealistic, is that two people should be so open and comfortable with one another that they give freely of themselves as they care to. The organs that differentiate male from female are the one thing that we can share, uniquely, with our mates. And that's how it should be, as I see it, two lovers sharing their sexual gifts voluntarily and happily with one another.

 

[LTE]

As a reboot partner and lady that has done the karezza - lemme let you guys in on a little secret - for about TWO WEEKS after a lady O's our reward systems deal with the flush of hormones. I did not believe this in the beginning, but shoot if it isn't true for at least me.

TWO WEEKS

It is just as unmanageable as "the craves". I just kinda want to be left alone or start a fight, or shop my brains out. Karezza helps a bunch. I've been able to control this through the first pass at our reboot/rewiring, avoiding O for myself, but when O happens it is very challenging for about two weeks.

It hasn't become a huge issue yet, but if we make it into a recovery mode it will.
(Just trying to help here, offering one possible explanation, not saying this is true in your case.)

That certainly is consistent with Marnia's observations on the matter and it explains so many of the problems that couples face. When you step back from this a bit it has incredibly far-reaching implications. If there were a wholesale shift to Karezza a lot would change. Fewer orgasms would probably slow the birth rate appreciably and less emotional friction would lower the divorce rate.

 

[fcjl8]

Yes, non-orgasm focused karezza style intimacy is very good for us. My wife and I have tried it and enjoyed it and discussed how we both felt about it. I have shared with her what I think about the possible downside to orgasm and the resulting effects on us that linger.

No, we are not committed to karezza. Why? Not sure, maybe we are just mindful, when engaged in sex, of how good the old orgasm felt. Even although that intense feeling is just mere seconds compared to the lovely physical connection of foreplay and touch and all that nice bonding.

I am not, like I was before, and expecting intimacy at the snap of a finger. I just was telling her that she turns me on. hey we sleep together half naked and that gets me aroused!

It was more that I felt hurt that my feelings were not heard but just kind of "shut down"... I do not shut down her equally valid reasons why intimacy is not convenient or possible at a certain moment in time.

This reminds me a bit of long timer PMO abstainers at YBR, like DD and JDoe, DD became unhappy with his very rare intimacy and JDoe seemed to act out his addiction just with his wife instead of his hand. I don't want to take either of those routes!