Free At Last

A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 16

Still feeling good, but I know what is coming next and I will be prepared - the next weekend and end of the first month will be very difficult.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 17

Not allowing myself any social media has made a huge difference so far, but now the third weekend is coming and I enter the danger zone.

I need to be prepared for feeling extremely low and depressed, lack of motivation and high amount of self doubts within the next days and maybe weeks.

For years this feels like being at war with myself, first I am totally convinced to never relapse again - then my brain starts rationalizations why a little peek at porn subs might make life easier and there are no superpowers arising from abstinence.

Writing here every day helps me as a reminder to keep pushing through. I want to quit porn forever, this journal is seven years old and there is desperation in many entries. I don’t want to feel that bad ever again, I want to live a porn free life.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
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achilles heel said:
Day 17

Not allowing myself any social media has made a huge difference so far, but now the third weekend is coming and I enter the danger zone.

I need to be prepared for feeling extremely low and depressed, lack of motivation and high amount of self doubts within the next days and maybe weeks.

For years this feels like being at war with myself, first I am totally convinced to never relapse again - then my brain starts rationalizations why a little peek at porn subs might make life easier and there are no superpowers arising from abstinence.

Writing here every day helps me as a reminder to keep pushing through. I want to quit porn forever, this journal is seven years old and there is desperation in many entries. I don’t want to feel that bad ever again, I want to live a porn free life.
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Doubts are inevitable when recovering from an addiction, but perhaps, by now, you know ways of coping, so that it doesn’t have to be as bad as you predict. Keep exercising and stay busy. It will get easier.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 18

Thanks a lot once again, Androg! My prediction helped me a lot as I am really “starving” now, this weekend is a big struggle and I am prepared for what’s coming.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 19

Sports, sports and more sports kept me distracted, I made it so far. Still it’s getting really difficult now and will stay like this for a while.

I had heavy mood swings and behaved unfriendly due to stress - I want to leave this behind and feel more balanced.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 21

Can’t sleep, in a couple of hours I will complete three weeks and I really fell into a hole of self doubts again while simultaneously my social anxiety is significantly lower again - this part of recovery is no placebo as I am proving myself over and over again.

On the other hand I just failed too many times to really believe in quitting forever. I’m here for seven years now and trying to quit for nine years total. How can something I want to overcome so bad have so much control over my life?

This month I will celebrate my third anniversary without drugs, but I will confess something in all honesty: I still “miss” cocaine sometimes, as some little voice in my head still tries to remind me of the “great” memories. I’m not cured despite three years of abstinence and most likely I will never be. But I arranged my life avoiding danger: I am not around any friends doing drugs anymore and I avoid dangerous clubs and bars. The part of the city to buy it on the street is 15 minutes away and that’s the key to my success: 15 minutes is a long time to avoid stupid decisions and lose control.

Porn is 5 seconds away. I am reading my journal and it feels like an ever repeating history of torturing myself to end up at “Day 0” sooner or later.

So far I am doing incredibly well in terms of avoiding all possible triggers despite heavy cravings, that’s the positive part of this attempt so far. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better already, I don’t like sounding negative as this community needs more success stories, but I wanted to write down my thoughts and reflections.

My experience with quitting drugs already showed me that there isn’t a number of days to count until celebrating a victory over addiction. We will be addicts for the rest of our lives, but maybe there is a way to work around the addiction and be happy and true success are all those days we forget about it and live our life the way we want it to be.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
No one is asked to leave for "not being positive." Your honest reflections are most welcome.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 22

Thanks, androg! The emotional rollercoaster went back up and 30 hours later I don’t understand the desperation of my latest entry.

The more positive approach is something I expect from myself and I want to finally give a positive example on how quitting is possible.

At least due to my experience I know that it’s normal to experience heavy mood swings at this stage of rebooting.

I’m already entering week 4 and have to be very careful once again, it’s a huge success already having avoided all kinds of porn or porn subs for three weeks now. My life is definitely better this way and writing here on a daily basis reminds me of taking it as serious as at day 1.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 24

Thanks a lot, Escapeandnevercomeback!

Another day complete and I’m entering the fourth weekend, still hard mode, which is a great success already. I have to improve in terms of my cell phone use for a long term success, but I will try to improve little by little instead of a radical change I can’t keep up with. So far the key is avoiding social media.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 25

Still doing well, my focus needs to stay on overcoming this addiction. I allow myself some rest from daily exercise to not feel exhausted. Again I will take this step by step, my next goal is to complete the weekend!
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 27

Thank you very much for your constant support, Androg!

Almost four weeks hard mode complete, made it through the difficult weekend and now have a busy week ahead. Will try to focus on exercising as I took a break.

I have to be careful because the initial energy of the reboot is gone, I always start with the idea of changing my whole life and do lots of sports and later I will subconsciously justify a relapse to have this energy of „Now I will change everything!“ again.

My goal is to escape those ups and downs and live a balanced life with certain routines. So far I’ve done incredibly well and I won’t expect too much from myself or the benefits of rebooting.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 28

Suddenly it’s very difficult again, woke up several times and felt heavy cravings. The first month is almost complete, but I have to be very careful now and stay prepared.
 
A

achilles heel

Well-Known Member
Day 29

Not getting enough sleep makes cravings worse and again I couldn’t sleep well, don’t really know how to break this cycle, it’s incredibly difficult now. The voice of “Sooner or later you’re going to relapse anyway” is there again and I need strategies to avoid relapsing.
 
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