Day 21
Can’t sleep, in a couple of hours I will complete three weeks and I really fell into a hole of self doubts again while simultaneously my social anxiety is significantly lower again - this part of recovery is no placebo as I am proving myself over and over again.
On the other hand I just failed too many times to really believe in quitting forever. I’m here for seven years now and trying to quit for nine years total. How can something I want to overcome so bad have so much control over my life?
This month I will celebrate my third anniversary without drugs, but I will confess something in all honesty: I still “miss” cocaine sometimes, as some little voice in my head still tries to remind me of the “great” memories. I’m not cured despite three years of abstinence and most likely I will never be. But I arranged my life avoiding danger: I am not around any friends doing drugs anymore and I avoid dangerous clubs and bars. The part of the city to buy it on the street is 15 minutes away and that’s the key to my success: 15 minutes is a long time to avoid stupid decisions and lose control.
Porn is 5 seconds away. I am reading my journal and it feels like an ever repeating history of torturing myself to end up at “Day 0” sooner or later.
So far I am doing incredibly well in terms of avoiding all possible triggers despite heavy cravings, that’s the positive part of this attempt so far. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better already, I don’t like sounding negative as this community needs more success stories, but I wanted to write down my thoughts and reflections.
My experience with quitting drugs already showed me that there isn’t a number of days to count until celebrating a victory over addiction. We will be addicts for the rest of our lives, but maybe there is a way to work around the addiction and be happy and true success are all those days we forget about it and live our life the way we want it to be.