Successful reboot?
- Thread starter TiramiSu
- Start date
I have one goal: in the past, how other people would think would affect my thinking, but I want to be completely independent from that. If other people have a differing view, then that is life. But the way I was brought up was that I should be scared about everything. If somebody did not like or did something bad to me, it would create a feeling of fear in the feeling. Now I just tell myself that is not my problem. Conflicts are part of life. I want to teach my children that conflicts are something positive. But I will also let my children go to Martial Arts. They will learn how to fight. And I think that is the most important thing in life: learn how to assert yourself and fight for yourself.
Day 32 - 2nd month.
I achieved now my first month without any stimulation.
Since I have a partner, I can definitely say: Porn/Sexual Stimulants do destroy relationships. Unless the partner knows about it, using this stuff is egoistic.
I feel in general a lot better. No more guilt feelings.
After pmoing I always thought I need counseling. Quitting pmo has me made realize that I actually do not need it.
With a partner I hardly pmoed. It is more that when the partner is gone for trips that i have sometimes felt "weak" and just pmoed.
But anyways today I am just happy that I am now in my month 2.
I achieved now my first month without any stimulation.
Since I have a partner, I can definitely say: Porn/Sexual Stimulants do destroy relationships. Unless the partner knows about it, using this stuff is egoistic.
I feel in general a lot better. No more guilt feelings.
After pmoing I always thought I need counseling. Quitting pmo has me made realize that I actually do not need it.
With a partner I hardly pmoed. It is more that when the partner is gone for trips that i have sometimes felt "weak" and just pmoed.
But anyways today I am just happy that I am now in my month 2.
Day 33
The fight is worth it. Good things happen to you when you enter this battle. My problems and issues are all still the same. But my perception is that I feel a lot more powerful than before. But I also have to say that I do a lot of meditation. On average 30 minutes a day. I would always think this doesn?t work. But it does.
Also, yesterday I was angry with my partner for reason I do not want to disclose. And guess what. After being angry I directly thought I want to turn to artificial stimulation. There used to be a 100 % relationship between anger and porn.
A better way to react is to stay calm and think of anger as a storm. Just let it blow. It will go away. A little blow from time to time is also good for the brain.
However I still think it is scary how there was really this 100% relationship between anger and turning to stimulation as a means of forgetting.
I know it is still active in my brain. I think I will need another year or two to recover.
But so far, I am really happy that I have entered this journey.
Sometimes I even had moments of extreme happiness. Just like happiness shots out of nowhere ? as much as I enjoyed it, I rather want to stay calm and analytical. Too much of emotion is not good. But this is why I want to do more meditation because it focuses the brain on the presence and observing?.
Stay strong everybody.
The fight is worth it. Good things happen to you when you enter this battle. My problems and issues are all still the same. But my perception is that I feel a lot more powerful than before. But I also have to say that I do a lot of meditation. On average 30 minutes a day. I would always think this doesn?t work. But it does.
Also, yesterday I was angry with my partner for reason I do not want to disclose. And guess what. After being angry I directly thought I want to turn to artificial stimulation. There used to be a 100 % relationship between anger and porn.
A better way to react is to stay calm and think of anger as a storm. Just let it blow. It will go away. A little blow from time to time is also good for the brain.
However I still think it is scary how there was really this 100% relationship between anger and turning to stimulation as a means of forgetting.
I know it is still active in my brain. I think I will need another year or two to recover.
But so far, I am really happy that I have entered this journey.
Sometimes I even had moments of extreme happiness. Just like happiness shots out of nowhere ? as much as I enjoyed it, I rather want to stay calm and analytical. Too much of emotion is not good. But this is why I want to do more meditation because it focuses the brain on the presence and observing?.
Stay strong everybody.
Yesterday I was very close to edging. I just felt like watching stuff. The situation was: I was tired, a little bit annoyed for various reasons.
one month is no problem for me. It is more know the second month that is posing problems. But for some reason this journal is still a miracle - because without the journal I would not have made it so far. And finally last night my fear of starting at day 1 gave me adrenaline that actually indulging in watching...but again this month will be rough. but if I make it this month, next month should be easier.
Most importantly I just want to do this for my self-respect. I do not think I could respect myself so much any more if I continued jerking off.
one month is no problem for me. It is more know the second month that is posing problems. But for some reason this journal is still a miracle - because without the journal I would not have made it so far. And finally last night my fear of starting at day 1 gave me adrenaline that actually indulging in watching...but again this month will be rough. but if I make it this month, next month should be easier.
Most importantly I just want to do this for my self-respect. I do not think I could respect myself so much any more if I continued jerking off.
I want to learn to deal effectively with emotions. Yesterday something pissed me off. I was angry. The result was that I was angry for 2 hours, bathing in my bad emotions. I could not think clearly. I want to stay a lot cooler in this situations. But this mirrors porn usage. Because in porn usage I have also sabotaged dealing with my emotions. So this is something no matter what I do I want to be better at.
Day 34
What this William guy said is so true. We have to be really prepared. Otherwise we will fail again. leaving this path hurts. I just keep thinking about these words.
Yesterday I just moed for fun, no big deal. Life really works without porn. Life is better without porn. Life is free.
What this William guy said is so true. We have to be really prepared. Otherwise we will fail again. leaving this path hurts. I just keep thinking about these words.
Yesterday I just moed for fun, no big deal. Life really works without porn. Life is better without porn. Life is free.
Day 35:
Yesterday on radio I heard the talk of a former alcoholic. He said he knows addiction will never go away. So he does never ever want to drink a single glass of alcohol. It is the same with artificial stimulation. If I started it now, I could binge for four hours I wanted to. Porn addiction doesnt go away. It will never. I just decide for myself to be sober.
I have also started to do volunteer work. It helps kind of put the shift away from any egoistic self centered thinking. I am looking forward to my volunteering work!
I sometimes regret that I never found such a website already a couple of years ago. Because now that I am not consuming artificial stimulation anymore, I enjoy women in general a lot more. When I was young, I did not notice so much women in general. Now I sometimes like to observe them and make friendly smiling eye contact. It is often responded with a smile
.
I personally find the days 30-40 harder than 20-30 but I will stick to it and hopefully approach the 100 days very soon.
Yesterday on radio I heard the talk of a former alcoholic. He said he knows addiction will never go away. So he does never ever want to drink a single glass of alcohol. It is the same with artificial stimulation. If I started it now, I could binge for four hours I wanted to. Porn addiction doesnt go away. It will never. I just decide for myself to be sober.
I have also started to do volunteer work. It helps kind of put the shift away from any egoistic self centered thinking. I am looking forward to my volunteering work!
I sometimes regret that I never found such a website already a couple of years ago. Because now that I am not consuming artificial stimulation anymore, I enjoy women in general a lot more. When I was young, I did not notice so much women in general. Now I sometimes like to observe them and make friendly smiling eye contact. It is often responded with a smile
.I personally find the days 30-40 harder than 20-30 but I will stick to it and hopefully approach the 100 days very soon.
TiramiSu, I don't know the science, but I think being a porn addict is different from being an alcoholic. Alcohol dependency is a condition that only affects certain people with the right body chemistry. That is why it will never go away, because their body chemistry is set up to react to alcohol in a certain way. Porn addiction is learned behaviour, sex drive will never go away because our body is set up to have a sex drive, but associating that with porn can be unlearned. I believe it is possible to get to the stage where one can look at porn without it triggering addiction. Of course at that stage you would have no interest in porn so would not look at it anyway. The first thing to do is to stop the addictive behaviour to give the neural-pathways a rest. Then analyse your relationship with porn. And finally build new pathways. It can be done.
Actually for me, porn was kind of a reward to me. if I worked hard, or if I did something good at work, I treated myself to porn. For me, I do not know if I am ever capable of normal porn usage again. But I think whether still addicted or not, this is not the question to be asked. The question that I want to ask myself is whether I want to achieve my goal in real life or whether I want to end up jerking off again after I run into the slightest problem. Life without porn is somehow more exciting anyways. In the age of porn I did not even realize whether women were hot or not because my brain was so busy dealing with brain fog. Now when there are good looking women, I do realize. I also do not just want to think with my penis anymore, actually using the brain sometimes is useful. Last but not least,I want to focus more on male stuff in life, such as building a lasting career, living in a nice house, etc. If I focus on that, I think I will act more like a male. For me, this entire thing is to act and represent more male values. My education was way too "female", and so I want to make sure I teach my male kids in a male way. Of course when I was young my brain did not think like that, I was frustrated in the beginning that I did not get any women and also that I was denied most girlfriends, then I just turned to porn and prostitutes. But since I notice myself entering complaining pussy mode this is also not good. I just want to face life as it is.
So actually my higher goal is that pornography and its associated value become zero value to my life so that I just do not care about it anymore. I do admit I want to end up very rich and I have a plan of how to achieve it. But now I need to follow it step by step. Same with quitting this addiction: I have to be prepared it is rough but once I learn how to ride rough periods, it will still be tough, but I will always know that there is an end to everything. Last but not least, I love my children and this is why I want to live very healthy for my children. If my children thought that their dad is a loser, this is personally my biggest fear in life, so I will make everything possible so that my children will always deeply respect me. That is my highest goal. If I achieve that, I will be a very happy man that is in peace with himself.
Stay strong everybody, jerking off is not worth compared to a beautiful life that is self-determined.
So actually my higher goal is that pornography and its associated value become zero value to my life so that I just do not care about it anymore. I do admit I want to end up very rich and I have a plan of how to achieve it. But now I need to follow it step by step. Same with quitting this addiction: I have to be prepared it is rough but once I learn how to ride rough periods, it will still be tough, but I will always know that there is an end to everything. Last but not least, I love my children and this is why I want to live very healthy for my children. If my children thought that their dad is a loser, this is personally my biggest fear in life, so I will make everything possible so that my children will always deeply respect me. That is my highest goal. If I achieve that, I will be a very happy man that is in peace with himself.
Stay strong everybody, jerking off is not worth compared to a beautiful life that is self-determined.
Sounds good, TiramiSu . I am also very motivated to be a decent and respectable man for my 2 year old daughter. It's very important for girls to have good male role models so that they choose their partners wisely and have high standards for how they are treated. That is the most important thing in the world for me.
Day 36:
When it comes to cleaning up, I always liked to procrastinate. I just didnt do it. I jerked off. and afterwards I told me I have no time.
I always thought I have no time for this or that. but I always had time for jerking off. This is how pathetic I was.
Today after 36 days I am just happy that I did not fall for jerking off. Like I had said after jerking off to a computer screen, I always felt like a pussy. It is true because jerking off to a computer screen turns me into a pussy.
My own development goal is to start liking to cleaning up - so that in the future, if I am stressed, I will automatically turn to cleaning up as opposed to jerking off.
When it comes to cleaning up, I always liked to procrastinate. I just didnt do it. I jerked off. and afterwards I told me I have no time.
I always thought I have no time for this or that. but I always had time for jerking off. This is how pathetic I was.
Today after 36 days I am just happy that I did not fall for jerking off. Like I had said after jerking off to a computer screen, I always felt like a pussy. It is true because jerking off to a computer screen turns me into a pussy.
My own development goal is to start liking to cleaning up - so that in the future, if I am stressed, I will automatically turn to cleaning up as opposed to jerking off.
My revelation is a about the second month is kind of a major thing - sounds silly to everyone probably but for me it is big - when I enter a problem, I actually use my brain usefully and analyse the problem. Before my brain would work in the following order: problem - freak out - jerk off - edge - jerk off - edge - too tired to think and wake up with hatred the next day. I really want to face life as it is.
actually another revelation - when being addicted - I cannot stress it enough - I would not notice hot women or even only semi hot women. Now I do. When I am on the subway and I see a hot women, I actually really do notice it. Too bad I didnt start 20 years ago. It is more fun to be attentive and observing what is going around us.
actually another revelation - when being addicted - I cannot stress it enough - I would not notice hot women or even only semi hot women. Now I do. When I am on the subway and I see a hot women, I actually really do notice it. Too bad I didnt start 20 years ago. It is more fun to be attentive and observing what is going around us.
Day 37
Yesterday I read about the test - if you can still jerk off without porn- you are not heavily addicted. So I am not heavily addicted anymore
Yesterday evening was a typical situation where I felt like watching porn substitutes. My partner was a little bit annoying. Before - my brain would have just thought: Annoying moment - treat yourself to some hot women - bing - jerk off - feel guilt. now I think I want to go through the emotions.
But one month ago, I would have definitely jerked off in front of a screen. So that shows how powerful such a journal is. My worry to lose my progress is higher than the potential dopamin shot
Yesterday I read about the test - if you can still jerk off without porn- you are not heavily addicted. So I am not heavily addicted anymore
Yesterday evening was a typical situation where I felt like watching porn substitutes. My partner was a little bit annoying. Before - my brain would have just thought: Annoying moment - treat yourself to some hot women - bing - jerk off - feel guilt. now I think I want to go through the emotions.
But one month ago, I would have definitely jerked off in front of a screen. So that shows how powerful such a journal is. My worry to lose my progress is higher than the potential dopamin shot
Day 38:
What I am writing now is repetitive, but it is true: Life is better without porn. Each time I walk around on the street, it is without any feeling of guilt.
I am trying to incorporate 30 to 40 minutes of meditation everyday. Meditation is a way of clearing the brain in a wonderful way.
What I am writing now is repetitive, but it is true: Life is better without porn. Each time I walk around on the street, it is without any feeling of guilt.
I am trying to incorporate 30 to 40 minutes of meditation everyday. Meditation is a way of clearing the brain in a wonderful way.