Being honest to me is something that I should have started earlier.
I would say that porn and prostitutes never totally controlled me because I have way too many dreams in my life that I want to fulfill, but I can definitely say that it played a huge role. At least time wise which makes me sad.
Here is the time I spent on porn. From the age of 15-25 every day around 1 hour on an average. This is almost 4000 hours on wanking. This is a lot of time.
I frequented quite a lot of prostitutes before 30. But with prostitutes, it is weird ? I never had any bit of guilt about it. I actually did quite enjoy it. But I spent too much money on it. I could have bought a brand new Mercedes for that amount. When I calculated that number, I did get worried. Before being 30, I would also sometimes just go out on my to pick up women with average success. But this is statistics of course ? if I try to pick up 100 women, eventually there is somebody who says yes?so I did not care about a no?.
But deep in my mind, I knew that prostitutes and porn was a way to fill a void. I actually I longed for a relationship with deep love for a long time. But I did not find my wife until I was 32.
Also when I was young I did get bullied. So porn was a way to forget.
My personal most important lessons have been for myself that probably the most magic is meditation to me. When I do meditation, I really notice how my brain calms down. Sometimes nowadays when I am on the train, I even try to do breathing exercices?.
Or one time I remember I had a serious discussion with one of my family members. When the fight was started, I remember I started counting my breathing and I really noticed how my emotions got more intense?..
Another problem for me that in the past, I did not dare to be assertive enough. However whenever I had been or have been assertive I felt quite good about it. Recently I was very assertive and the other person even apologized to me.
But back to the topic of porn ? I really realized what damages it does to the brain recently. I had gone back to pmoing (not porn but light substitutes) and binging for a couple of hours during one night. The next day I felt like a piece of shit. Also I knew I had certain things to do, but I just didn?t want to do them. I knew I had to phone somebody but I just would not phone that person. So porn has to some extent turned me into a lazy person. Or after jerking off, I never wanted to brush my teeth.
Apart from meditation, a lot of books on manhood were a strong revelation to me. It seems like common sense, but the nature of a man is to fight for something. During my high usage of porn time, I did not fight for something. I just wasted my energy. But as a fulfilled man, I must have goals in my life that I want to work for.
So nowadays when I do work on my apartment, like building something, I feel better about my manhood.
But again being honest to myself, I still have a long way to go in order to achieve true manhood. In my strong times nowadays, I do not resort to porn substitutes at all any more, but in my weak times I still do. This is mostly when I am angry with my wife. It seems automatic. When I am really angry, I just need to return to pmoing. It really seems like automatic. This is why running and working out has been so important to me because it seems to reduce this.
So my goals for this year are:
Always be assertive, I show to myself that I am not a pussy, and actively live through hard moments and do not run away from these moments, accept these moments as part of life. And also observe myself more in moments that seem to be tense. Focus more on male things in life.
My wish is that I can do regularly meditation.
My personal goal is also that I will be able to do just male stuff for one day without a break, just like cleaning up. When I was young, after two hours of cleaning up, I would have just resorted to porn. But nowadays, it is really my dream that I can do male stuff without resorting to pmoing?maybe this is hard to explain?but in my heavy porn usage time, after 1 hour of like household work I would get bored and started thinking about this wonderful porn collection on my pc?.and thus stopping to work?but as a real man I do not want to do this. I want to be able to tidy up and clean up stuff in the house. Because cleaning up is a good way to go through the emotions?..and thus also clean up the brain?..so I hope I will be able to clean up the emotions a lot this year?.
I also realized that after binging to porn, I also sometimes like to binge to eating sweets ( I am running a lot so it doesn?t matter), but this has also been a revelation to me- sometimes I have these moments where I just want to eat for 2 hours and afterwards I feel gross about it?..
Anyways my biggest goal is to face life as it is, make the best out of it and be able to face difficult situations as well. Really face them. Best is to just fuck bad situations. Not give up and indulge into porn to forget them. Also when sex with the partner for some reason doesn?t work out, do not resort to porn substitutes. Resort to meditation.
I just really hope I will become a very strong man as a opposed to a wanking pussy. In Particular in difficult situation. Not give up. Be strong.
So indeed I also have to say that this community is good and reading other stories helps a lot.
I would say that porn and prostitutes never totally controlled me because I have way too many dreams in my life that I want to fulfill, but I can definitely say that it played a huge role. At least time wise which makes me sad.
Here is the time I spent on porn. From the age of 15-25 every day around 1 hour on an average. This is almost 4000 hours on wanking. This is a lot of time.
I frequented quite a lot of prostitutes before 30. But with prostitutes, it is weird ? I never had any bit of guilt about it. I actually did quite enjoy it. But I spent too much money on it. I could have bought a brand new Mercedes for that amount. When I calculated that number, I did get worried. Before being 30, I would also sometimes just go out on my to pick up women with average success. But this is statistics of course ? if I try to pick up 100 women, eventually there is somebody who says yes?so I did not care about a no?.
But deep in my mind, I knew that prostitutes and porn was a way to fill a void. I actually I longed for a relationship with deep love for a long time. But I did not find my wife until I was 32.
Also when I was young I did get bullied. So porn was a way to forget.
My personal most important lessons have been for myself that probably the most magic is meditation to me. When I do meditation, I really notice how my brain calms down. Sometimes nowadays when I am on the train, I even try to do breathing exercices?.
Or one time I remember I had a serious discussion with one of my family members. When the fight was started, I remember I started counting my breathing and I really noticed how my emotions got more intense?..
Another problem for me that in the past, I did not dare to be assertive enough. However whenever I had been or have been assertive I felt quite good about it. Recently I was very assertive and the other person even apologized to me.
But back to the topic of porn ? I really realized what damages it does to the brain recently. I had gone back to pmoing (not porn but light substitutes) and binging for a couple of hours during one night. The next day I felt like a piece of shit. Also I knew I had certain things to do, but I just didn?t want to do them. I knew I had to phone somebody but I just would not phone that person. So porn has to some extent turned me into a lazy person. Or after jerking off, I never wanted to brush my teeth.
Apart from meditation, a lot of books on manhood were a strong revelation to me. It seems like common sense, but the nature of a man is to fight for something. During my high usage of porn time, I did not fight for something. I just wasted my energy. But as a fulfilled man, I must have goals in my life that I want to work for.
So nowadays when I do work on my apartment, like building something, I feel better about my manhood.
But again being honest to myself, I still have a long way to go in order to achieve true manhood. In my strong times nowadays, I do not resort to porn substitutes at all any more, but in my weak times I still do. This is mostly when I am angry with my wife. It seems automatic. When I am really angry, I just need to return to pmoing. It really seems like automatic. This is why running and working out has been so important to me because it seems to reduce this.
So my goals for this year are:
Always be assertive, I show to myself that I am not a pussy, and actively live through hard moments and do not run away from these moments, accept these moments as part of life. And also observe myself more in moments that seem to be tense. Focus more on male things in life.
My wish is that I can do regularly meditation.
My personal goal is also that I will be able to do just male stuff for one day without a break, just like cleaning up. When I was young, after two hours of cleaning up, I would have just resorted to porn. But nowadays, it is really my dream that I can do male stuff without resorting to pmoing?maybe this is hard to explain?but in my heavy porn usage time, after 1 hour of like household work I would get bored and started thinking about this wonderful porn collection on my pc?.and thus stopping to work?but as a real man I do not want to do this. I want to be able to tidy up and clean up stuff in the house. Because cleaning up is a good way to go through the emotions?..and thus also clean up the brain?..so I hope I will be able to clean up the emotions a lot this year?.
I also realized that after binging to porn, I also sometimes like to binge to eating sweets ( I am running a lot so it doesn?t matter), but this has also been a revelation to me- sometimes I have these moments where I just want to eat for 2 hours and afterwards I feel gross about it?..
Anyways my biggest goal is to face life as it is, make the best out of it and be able to face difficult situations as well. Really face them. Best is to just fuck bad situations. Not give up and indulge into porn to forget them. Also when sex with the partner for some reason doesn?t work out, do not resort to porn substitutes. Resort to meditation.
I just really hope I will become a very strong man as a opposed to a wanking pussy. In Particular in difficult situation. Not give up. Be strong.
So indeed I also have to say that this community is good and reading other stories helps a lot.