My "Hard 90" Journal

[TK-421]

Day 18

Day 18, take 2. I haven't checked in for a while. Things are going well. A part of me feels like I just need to "hang around" to get back to where I was before the stumble (at 58 days) and not put as much work in. In some ways the stumble was good for me because it reinforced the fact that as soon as I entertain any thought of using I am right back in the "Funhouse" and out of control. For me there is no middle ground. I am working on recognizing the unhealthy thoughts and fantasy that lead me to porn. I just cannot linger checking out any attractive women or titilating photos I encounter. One of the other posters on here suggested the 2 second rule, which works for me. If I see an attractive woman it is normal that I will notice her and find her attractive. I can acknowledge this thought, but if it is more than 2 seconds, then I am on the road to unhealthy fantasy and obsession. For me this can lead back to porn, which feeds the unhealthy fantasy and obsession. That's the cycle that I need to break free of. There is just no room for any of that in my vision of a healthy sexuality.

Hope all are well.

TK-421

 

[Chip]

It's easy to stumble, stay on your game and remember your in the 17-21 Day, "Tripper Zone".  When thoughts arrive, dispatch them quickly, no debate, no weighing your options, "Stick & Move"!

 

[TK-421]

On another journal someone asked about the similarities with my experiences with alcoholism and porn. In though I'd copy those comments here:

I've only recently come to see the similarities between alcohol and porn addiction. To be honest, I think I let the porn/sex become the replacement for alcohol during my sobriety. So, off the top of my head here are the similarities I see between me experiences with both types of addiction:

1. Both were very pleasurable at the beginning. I used to love tying one on with my friends. I loved both booze and porn pretty much from day 1 and couldn't see any good reason to not indulge.

2. Progressively things got worse with both. With booze, what started out as fun started to have periodic negative impacts on my life (DUIs, car accidents, problems with the cops, not doing well in school due to absences and hangovers).

3. Both negatively impacted my relationships (Booze with my parents and friends, porn with my wife and kids)

4. This is the big one - With both I experienced a gradual loss of control. With booze if I started out with one drink it inevitably ended up as a binge and all the negative consequences. With porn, same thing where I could start jerking off and find myself hours later wondering what happened to me.

5. Both are a form of escapism, a way to deal with stress and boredom.

6. Both are easy. It takes zero effort or skill on my part to get drunk or to jerk off to porn. Compare them to other activities that actually take some effort and skill, like learning to play an instrument, working out, playing sports, reading, etc.

7. Both caused me to feel depressed and confused, but I would still cling to them as something I "liked".

I'm sure there are more, but those are the main ones. The main difference between the two is that porn addiction is a solitary activity. When I drank I was generally doing it with others (although I know some people are solitary drinkers). The other difference for me is that it's very clear what booze is and what you have to do to stop drinking. With porn/sex, the line isn't as clear because of things like porn substitutes and the fact that healthy sex is something that is to be encouraged (there is no such thing as healthy drinking for me).

 

[TK-421]

It's easy to stumble, stay on your game and remember your in the 17-21 Day, "Tripper Zone".  When thoughts arrive, dispatch them quickly, no debate, no weighing your options, "Stick & Move"!

 

Thanks Chip. Absolutely it is easy to stumble. We need to remain vigilant and recognize the unhealthy thoughts and feelings as soon as the start to creep in.

 

[Delerium]

Right on, that's a good list of the cons of porn use TK.

 

[TK-421]

Day 20

Day 20, take 2.  Today I was reviewing a journal I was keeping over the period from November, 2015 to March of this year (until the time I discovered RN).  I was struck by how long I have been struggling and the desperation in many of my journal entries.  It makes me sad in many ways to realize how my life has been touched by addiction and how rudderless I have been at times. In other ways, however, the entries inspire me to find my way out of the darkness.  I'm happy that I have taken some positive steps, but know there is still work and withdrawals ahead.  It just reinforces what I said in my first entry here - I'M TIRED OF IT!  I DON'T WANT ADDICTION IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!!

I feel like I'm making progress, but also feel like I'm stuck in a rut in so many areas of my life. Too much thinking and analyzing and not enough action.  I have all kinds of lists and notes where I rehash the same things and make "action plans".  I'm often paralyzed my fear and this results in no action - afraid to implement real change.

I have a meeting tomorrow with someone to discuss the possibility of a position with his company. I don't want to get too excited or put too much pressure on myself, but I think this position would be a big start to moving out of much of the negativity I've been feeling.  I've been very unhappy in my job for the last 2-3 years and have not been able to find a way out without having unwanted impacts on my family - at times it feels I'm close to burnout though.

I'm renewing my commitment to getting past my porn and sex addiction.  I'm addicted. I don't want it in my life any more. Nothing else will make much sense and I will continue to be rudderless if I don't beat this.  Beating this addiction is my #1 priority.

One other thing in my journal entries that struck me was my foolish attempts to try to keep some form of porn in my life - trying to reduce or limit it to certain times or amounts. Trying to limit MO.  Trying to take a break for a set period.  Trying to only jerk off to photos of my wife.  I now know that none of this works and it was only the addiction trying to find ways to negotiate and rationalize with me.

Stay strong guys!

 

[fyg]

I hear you on paralysed by fear. A friend of mine (aka therapist  8)) said that by making some changes in your life, you'll reclaim some of your power (or reduce feelings of powerlessness [I'm not saying you feel that]). Have you seen Mel Robins' Five Second Rule TED talk? It's on youtube and one that I can recommend. It could help with decisions.

Also... You wanting P out of your life! (IN CAPITALS!!) If I may; and you may well know this Just to remember, the prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that tells us to do the important thing that is best for our goals (like giving up P) and the primitive brain wants us to survive, to binge on sugar (berries we may have come across as cavemen) or do whatever other potentially damaging stuff that doesn't serve us in modern times. Especially when hijacked by P, right?!

The book I'm slowly reading at the moment, The Willpower Instinct, tells us not to be too hard on ourselves, and that some neuroscientists go as far as saying we have "two people living inside our minds" regarding urges vs positive goals. Not that that is an excuse for us to act-out, of course not. But Kelly McGonigal (the writer) asks us to be aware of when we're making a will-based decision. Such as have the cookie etc! I won't say any more as I'm still learning lots too.

I'll leave it there and say... Let's get back to it!

Wishing you Good Luck with the interview, mate & Cheers!

 

[Chip]

Day 20

Day 20, take 2.  Today I was reviewing a journal I was keeping over the period from November, 2015 to March of this year (until the time I discovered RN).  I was struck by how long I have been struggling and the desperation in many of my journal entries.  It makes me sad in many ways to realize how my life has been touched by addiction and how rudderless I have been at times. In other ways, however, the entries inspire me to find my way out of the darkness.  I'm happy that I have taken some positive steps, but know there is still work and withdrawals ahead.  It just reinforces what I said in my first entry here - I'M TIRED OF IT!  I DON'T WANT ADDICTION IN MY LIFE ANYMORE!!!

I feel like I'm making progress, but also feel like I'm stuck in a rut in so many areas of my life. Too much thinking and analyzing and not enough action.  I have all kinds of lists and notes where I rehash the same things and make "action plans".  I'm often paralyzed my fear and this results in no action - afraid to implement real change.

I have a meeting tomorrow with someone to discuss the possibility of a position with his company. I don't want to get too excited or put too much pressure on myself, but I think this position would be a big start to moving out of much of the negativity I've been feeling.  I've been very unhappy in my job for the last 2-3 years and have not been able to find a way out without having unwanted impacts on my family - at times it feels I'm close to burnout though.

I'm renewing my commitment to getting past my porn and sex addiction.  I'm addicted. I don't want it in my life any more. Nothing else will make much sense and I will continue to be rudderless if I don't beat this.  Beating this addiction is my #1 priority.

One other thing in my journal entries that struck me was my foolish attempts to try to keep some form of porn in my life - trying to reduce or limit it to certain times or amounts. Trying to limit MO.  Trying to take a break for a set period.  Trying to only jerk off to photos of my wife.  I now know that none of this works and it was only the addiction trying to find ways to negotiate and rationalize with me.

Stay strong guys!

Very well put and honest.  You are making big strides, keep it up.

 

[TK-421]

Day 22

I'm renewing my commitment to making positive change in my life and putting the stumble from three weeks ago behind me.

The interview yesterday went really well and I am 90% sure that there will be an offer coming in the next couple weeks. I am not overly religious, but I did pray for strength and guidance with respect to my job and finding my way out of an incredibly negative situation - it does feel like my prayers may have been answered and a huge weight lifted. Very much looking forward to to implementing more positive change in my life.

TK

 

[bob]

TK-421,

Sounds like you are doing well. Onward and upward!

Peace

 

[TK-421]

I hear you on paralysed by fear. A friend of mine (aka therapist  8)) said that by making some changes in your life, you'll reclaim some of your power (or reduce feelings of powerlessness [I'm not saying you feel that]). Have you seen Mel Robins' Five Second Rule TED talk? It's on youtube and one that I can recommend. It could help with decisions.

Also... You wanting P out of your life! (IN CAPITALS!!) If I may; and you may well know this Just to remember, the prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that tells us to do the important thing that is best for our goals (like giving up P) and the primitive brain wants us to survive, to binge on sugar (berries we may have come across as cavemen) or do whatever other potentially damaging stuff that doesn't serve us in modern times. Especially when hijacked by P, right?!

The book I'm slowly reading at the moment, The Willpower Instinct, tells us not to be too hard on ourselves, and that some neuroscientists go as far as saying we have "two people living inside our minds" regarding urges vs positive goals. Not that that is an excuse for us to act-out, of course not. But Kelly McGonigal (the writer) asks us to be aware of when we're making a will-based decision. Such as have the cookie etc! I won't say any more as I'm still learning lots too.

I'll leave it there and say... Let's get back to it!

Wishing you Good Luck with the interview, mate & Cheers!

Thanks for the comments. I did check out the Mel Robbins TED talk and thought it was good. A lot of my difficulties are when I feel like I have to choose between bad options or where I need to make changes that involve risk (career change for example and not knowing how things will work out or afraid to just quit and potentially harming my family because I couldn't "hack it" at my job"). I had been looking for about 2 years and hadn't found anything suitable. It's been an incredible source of stress and negativity in my life. I am very hopeful that this can be a turning point for me, especially when combined with the changes I am making around porn and sex.

 

[bob]

TK-421

some neuroscientists go as far as saying we have "two people living inside our minds" of course not.

This is a great observation. I chuckled when I read this as this is how I feel at times.

 

[fyg]

Thanks for the comments. I did check out the Mel Robbins TED talk and thought it was good. A lot of my difficulties are when I feel like I have to choose between bad options or where I need to make changes that involve risk (career change for example and not knowing how things will work out or afraid to just quit and potentially harming my family because I couldn't "hack it" at my job"). I had been looking for about 2 years and hadn't found anything suitable. It's been an incredible source of stress and negativity in my life. I am very hopeful that this can be a turning point for me, especially when combined with the changes I am making around porn and sex.

I'm glad you liked the video. I've had similar experiences with making decisions. I've made some big decisions before now, but for me with decisions in general, it's that I let time run down, and then my options become limited. But, I'm aware of this!

Sounds like good things are happening in your life TK-421. Thanks for sharing as it's motivating for me to see other RN Bros making positive moves!

Plus, the combination of changes you're making, as you say. I can see that is empowering.


Cheers!

 

[TK-421]

Day 26

Day 26, take 2. I'm on my way to see my counsellor to complete my Step 5.  It's taken a bit longer than I would have liked (mostly due to scheduling) and I am looking forward to completing this step.  The subsequent steps deal with making amends to the people I have harmed by my actions. In many ways I'm looking forward to those conversations, but I know they may also be difficult and I will have some doubts about what to say and how to say it.

I do feel like I'm in a good space. A bit less stress at work and I feel like I am back on a good path. I was reading William's thread again recently and I am motivated to make my recovery stick. I just no longer want addiction - and all the negativity that goes with it - in my life anymore.

I do recognize that I need to continue to recognize porn subs and my compulsive behaviours. They can seem innocent enough at the outset, but I now recognize and acknowledge how damaging they can be for me. Things like seeing an attractive athlete during the Olympic coverage - then wondering about her, googling her to find out more about her and looking for photos of her. It can all happen very quickly - the reality is that I am acting out on compulsive behaviours (I would never do something similar with a male athlete). I used to do similar things with porn stars - would love to know who they were in real life or would search for information about former porn stars to see what they were doing now. I still don't completely understand the behaviours - I think the thrill was trying to not make these women anonymous. Part of my porn habit also included chatting with real husbands about their wives - a similar behaviour I think - just wanting to know more about these women and getting turned on by it.

I'm glad to be moving past the PMO Mania (Chip's term, which I like). It can only be described as madness. I continue to seek out healthier behaviours. I don't want addiction in my life anymore.

Cheers to my fellow rebooters.

TK-421

 

[Chip]

Day 26

... Things like seeing an attractive athlete during the Olympic coverage - then wondering about her, googling her to find out more about her and looking for photos of her. It can all happen very quickly - the reality is that I am acting out on compulsive behaviours (I would never do something similar with a male athlete). I used to do similar things with porn stars - would love to know who they were in real life or would search for information about former porn stars to see what they were doing now. ...

TK-421

This is something I can really identify with, I did that so many times.  Your right it starts somewhat innocent and then blossoms into something ugly.  Something I've tried to make a habit of now, is when I have an urge to "Google" someone, before I do, I stop and ask myself "why"...  Why am I pursuing this person?  Is it because they are interesting or because I liked the way they look and I'm secretly hoping to find more?  If I'm really honest about it, I just don't do the search.  Now I find it is becoming reflex to check myself before I set off searching anyone.

 

[TK-421]

Day 31

Day 31, take 2.  I haven't checked in for a while. Things are going well. I'm really starting to recognize the power of being aware of unhealthy thoughts as soon as they pop into my head. As soon as I recognize a thought that leads to fantasy, lust, obsession or porn I make an effort to redirect my thoughts. These are thoughts that lead to the "dark side"...maybe not in the moment, but if I let those types of thoughts bounce around in my head, before I know it I'll be back in the madhouse. I think it was Boo who said something about how he felt like he was changing in his heart - I can really relate to that too.

I have also found in helpful lately to associate all of the negatives with porn use, rather that thinking about the immediate pleasure. Towards the end, my preferred outlet was chatting with other guys on Kik (a chat app). There was a forum people could go to find others that were available for chatting in real time - that forum attracted people of all sorts (even far beyond my own tastes) and I remember someone coming on and posting something along the lines that the people there were "vile and disgusting".  She was right. Now when I think back, I think that my choice is to be like someone like William, who I admire for his insight and desire to help others or like the vile and disgusting men who frequented the Kik forum. For me the choice is so obvious that it should not even be something to consider. So for me the choice is to be a principled man with integrity, or to go back to the way I was. For today I am choosing option #1.

Keep going guys. Let's take our chains off.

 

[Chip]

Awesome!  You have chosen wisely.  I love your avatar.  8)

 

[TK-421]

Day 33

Day 33, take 2. Nothing really profound to say today - just wanting to check in.  I feel like I am on a good path. I don't know if others experienced the feeling of knowing when they were going to make it, but that's how I would describe my current mindset. I know I have the counter going and even state the days in my posts. I suppose I like to know where I'm at, but I also know that once I have changed in my heart that the days will just start to tick up on their own. I was reflecting on the fact that 2016 has really been a year of change (perhaps RN should have a "Class of 2016" distinction for rebooters). I have been clean for much of this year, with me discovering RN and YBOP at the beginning of the year. I am grateful for the opportunity to put all of this behind me and finally get towards living a life without addiction.

Keep on going!

TK-421

 

[Honest John]

Day 33! Congratulations sir! I love the name "TK-421", very clever! I think these counters are a great idea, I wish they had existed years ago. Keep up the good work. 

 

[fyg]

That's great to hear TK-421. I wanted to post. I'm not where you are right now; things are flat and frustrating for me at the mo' but I think that's due to external pressures.

At the same time, I wanna celebrate your and other RN Bro's paths. Keep up the good work man

edit: tired this eve and made a botch of first draft  :