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cuppatea
Guest
Oh that is exciting, sounds like a positive step for a few reasons 
Its a process...I guess.
- Thread starter aquarius25
- Start date
aquarius25
Respected Member
Moving is a lot of work but I am so excited about it! I feel like there is some light at the end of the tunnel. It still hurts to see people all the time but at least I can tell myself that it won't be for much longer! I am thankful to be able to restart our family and our marriage.
Something at has been bothering me lately, not too much but it is just something that nags at me. Its some of the men on this forum. I feel so sad for the men with SO's who choose not to tell them. They have all kinds of excuses but the reality is that it is sad. Not only from a partners perspective that they have a right to know, and that honesty is a foundation to a relationship. It's more that they are just hurting themselves and making the reboot even harder. When I look at my husband and hear what motivates him its me in a lot of ways. When he fully realized just how much porn has had an impact on our family and our marriage realizing and seeing that hurt in me has completely changed the way he views porn. Its like seeing and fully owning his actions has made him completely turned off of it. He now associates porn with hurt and pain and its not appealing in any way. When these men choose not to tell their SO's they are robbing themselves of complete ownership of their actions and behaviors and from possibly the biggest motivation to quit. It feels like such a cop out.
I don't mean to be judgemental and I have tried to see thing from their perspective but I am really struggling to understand why they would choose more lies. Are there any men who can lend some insight?
Something at has been bothering me lately, not too much but it is just something that nags at me. Its some of the men on this forum. I feel so sad for the men with SO's who choose not to tell them. They have all kinds of excuses but the reality is that it is sad. Not only from a partners perspective that they have a right to know, and that honesty is a foundation to a relationship. It's more that they are just hurting themselves and making the reboot even harder. When I look at my husband and hear what motivates him its me in a lot of ways. When he fully realized just how much porn has had an impact on our family and our marriage realizing and seeing that hurt in me has completely changed the way he views porn. Its like seeing and fully owning his actions has made him completely turned off of it. He now associates porn with hurt and pain and its not appealing in any way. When these men choose not to tell their SO's they are robbing themselves of complete ownership of their actions and behaviors and from possibly the biggest motivation to quit. It feels like such a cop out.
I don't mean to be judgemental and I have tried to see thing from their perspective but I am really struggling to understand why they would choose more lies. Are there any men who can lend some insight?
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cuppatea
Guest
I see it as an extension of the addictive behaviour and thinking. Feeling that it's still ok to lie and deceive. I doubt many succeed at beating the addiction whilst they still operate that way, more likely that they just white knuckle abstinence and then relapse. It would be interesting to hear of anyone who has managed to recover whilst still lying, i just can't see it though personally.
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cuppatea
Guest
How's the moving plans going. Do you have a date for when you leave?
aquarius25
Respected Member
Hey thank you Cupatea for checking in! The moving plans are coming together. We are actually moving across the country. Its crazy but it ended up being the best opportunity for our business. We are flying out in two weeks to go check everything out. We own a start up lighting company and work with a vendor over there so being closer to him will help a lot and the fresh start will be a huge help to us and our family. We won't be able to actually move till probably March sometime as we have to finish a few things on our house and sell it. We will have to rent to start as we don't want to buy a house we haven't seen in person, lol. So there is just so many details to go over.
Right now we are on a trip out of town on an install in Sonoma (wine country). We drove down and took the time to talk about things. We are doing better but I think there are a few things that I will probably never get over and never understand. I am just trying to lean how to be ok with not understanding everything. I am starting to enjoy his company more and trying to focus on the future and the moment instead of focusing on the past. Its hard....really hard. I still have a difficult time understanding why it took him breaking his penis from porn overdose to get his attention. Using another woman's underwear to masturbate with repeatedly for years wasn't enough, viewing pictures of my friends while stroking his penis for over a decade wasn't enough. Only after realizing that it was the reason he had to take pill just to get hard did he finally start to work on things. He didn't even tell me, I had to come across panties 2 weeks later, he still wasn't ready to be honest. I have tried to put myself into his shoes but I just can't understand what would justify him to sit down in front of a computer, pull his dick out, grab his secret panties, search for just the right picture, and stroke himself until he orgasm. And repeat this process for an average of 6-8 hrs a week for over a decade of marriage. Its actually mind blowing to me. I am trying to get over this but it really doesn't make any sense. He is doing everything he can to not only beat this but also to support me. I ask him about it and why he would think that was ok to do, how he was able to justify that behavior for so long. Even he says he has no idea. I just don't understand. Knowing that he could just lie like that so for many years and do some pretty (sorry for my judgement and language but) pretty fucked up shit! Its so unsettling to me. I feel like I am one of those women that don't know they are married to a serial killer, lol. In all honesty he really is a great guy, good father, and he does love me very much. I just can't shake the questions of what is it that I don't know? Really hoping that this feeling will fade when I am not daily reminded of it by seeing all of my friends everyday. I know there will never be any official "closure" as long as I stay with him and I love him. SO I guess I just have to learn to deal with this feeling.
Right now we are on a trip out of town on an install in Sonoma (wine country). We drove down and took the time to talk about things. We are doing better but I think there are a few things that I will probably never get over and never understand. I am just trying to lean how to be ok with not understanding everything. I am starting to enjoy his company more and trying to focus on the future and the moment instead of focusing on the past. Its hard....really hard. I still have a difficult time understanding why it took him breaking his penis from porn overdose to get his attention. Using another woman's underwear to masturbate with repeatedly for years wasn't enough, viewing pictures of my friends while stroking his penis for over a decade wasn't enough. Only after realizing that it was the reason he had to take pill just to get hard did he finally start to work on things. He didn't even tell me, I had to come across panties 2 weeks later, he still wasn't ready to be honest. I have tried to put myself into his shoes but I just can't understand what would justify him to sit down in front of a computer, pull his dick out, grab his secret panties, search for just the right picture, and stroke himself until he orgasm. And repeat this process for an average of 6-8 hrs a week for over a decade of marriage. Its actually mind blowing to me. I am trying to get over this but it really doesn't make any sense. He is doing everything he can to not only beat this but also to support me. I ask him about it and why he would think that was ok to do, how he was able to justify that behavior for so long. Even he says he has no idea. I just don't understand. Knowing that he could just lie like that so for many years and do some pretty (sorry for my judgement and language but) pretty fucked up shit! Its so unsettling to me. I feel like I am one of those women that don't know they are married to a serial killer, lol. In all honesty he really is a great guy, good father, and he does love me very much. I just can't shake the questions of what is it that I don't know? Really hoping that this feeling will fade when I am not daily reminded of it by seeing all of my friends everyday. I know there will never be any official "closure" as long as I stay with him and I love him. SO I guess I just have to learn to deal with this feeling.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well back to the grind. I am home and realizing just how much this experience has changed me. In some ways I have grown. I am better at handling situations and not blowing up. I communicate more and I am more aware of my emotions, but in other ways I am so much worse. I feel like I get overwhelmed a lot easier. I work thought the overwhelm better but still I get overwhelmed much faster than I used to. It is more of an emotional experience and the emotion is hard for me. I notice I am quite to put myself down more and if I am being completely honest I still have a lot less self worth than I used to. I know logically that I have worth, I know I am the only one that can controller this and yet it is almost an irrational thing. I just don't feel like I am worth anything. I don't see myself as attractive or worthy of love. I want to! I just don't. I have been trying to talk myself into it for a while but its hard. I feel like I am constantly reminded of the refection and realization that I do not hold my husbands attention. I know he loves me very much and says he is attracted to me, I just don't feel like he is "in love" with me. I bothers me because when I heard women talk like this before I would have been so annoyed but now it is totally me. This is the way I feel. It makes no sense. I just feel like my heart has been shattered. I really thought that by now I would have started feeling better than this.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Another thing I have noticed is how much my husband has changed. He really is slowing becoming the person I hoped him to be. There are still plenty of upsets but overall he is doing amazingly well. He hasn't relapsed and he really is trying to help me. I am not sure that anything will help except time. I keep coming back to the thought that it took 13+ years of lying to ruin this relationship, it will take most likely years to rebuild it. One thing that helps is knowing how committed he is to the process. I don't feel rushed to recover or judged if I am not where I should be. I just feel supported and that is really good.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Things are crazy but I am glad that I am managing them better. I am so excited for this move. We are supposed to go see more friends for a game night tonight. Of course there will be a few ladies that were on my hubby's M list. I can feel the anxiety build but now I just remind myself that this won't be for much longer. I will have some space soon. I don't want to be mad at my friends, as its really not their fault at all. I just want some space so I don't have to constantly think about this whole thing every time I leave my house.
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cuppatea
Guest
How did your game night go? I can only imagine how hard it must all be.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Hey Cuppatea, thanks for checking in! Um game night went ok...sorta, lol. I didn't do anything that would make them suspect but I defiantly drank my discomfort, lol. Over a bottle of wine in discomfort. I held everything in while at their house but as soon as I got in the car I was just fuming. I got a little feisty and not in a playful way. My hubby got pissed and we both went to bed without talking. I am going to limit myself to one drink when out in public and even at home for that matter because drinking just brings the upset more to the surface.
Lately I have just been feeling so stuck. This sounds terrible but I think I am actually jealous of my husbands progress and recovery. I can see how much he is improving and becoming a better person and I just feel like I am more negative, cynical and unhappy. I don't want to become a resentful crappy person but I don't know how to get out of it. We are working on moving and starting over to the best of our abilities. I can see he is doing everything possible and I do love him. I just feel so stuck.
Lately I have just been feeling so stuck. This sounds terrible but I think I am actually jealous of my husbands progress and recovery. I can see how much he is improving and becoming a better person and I just feel like I am more negative, cynical and unhappy. I don't want to become a resentful crappy person but I don't know how to get out of it. We are working on moving and starting over to the best of our abilities. I can see he is doing everything possible and I do love him. I just feel so stuck.
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cuppatea
Guest
I have to limit alcohol too, I use to abuse it quite a bit in my younger years (binge drinking, and far too often), I found recently if we have any in the house I can't seem to stop at once glass. I think it's cos the first one helps me feel a bit better, then it's tempting to drink some more but of course you reach that tipping point where it just makes all the bad shit come to the surface. It's also suppose to be good to avoid alcohol when you have ptsd.
With you being stuck have you thought about doing counseling for yourself? This is all so much to go through, I don't think I could have coped without my counselor to talk to, she's really helped me deal with my emotions and she gives me the empathy that he can't. It's not a great substitute, but it is something, someone that gets it and knows how to respond and also how to help me peel back my own layers.
With you being stuck have you thought about doing counseling for yourself? This is all so much to go through, I don't think I could have coped without my counselor to talk to, she's really helped me deal with my emotions and she gives me the empathy that he can't. It's not a great substitute, but it is something, someone that gets it and knows how to respond and also how to help me peel back my own layers.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well I haven't been on for a while. My hubby and I flew out to the town where we are planning on moving to (we have never actually been there so we thought it might be a good idea, lol!) It feels a little crazy. For our business it makes perfect financial sense. Lots of opportunities and a much lower cost of living. Explaining it to friend and family is not problem for those reasons. We spent a lot of time driving around the town and really checking it out. While we were doing that I was thinking emotionally as to how I was feeling and it was really an interesting experience. Only when I was consciously choosing to take stock of my emotions did I think about my husbands PA. There were no reminders constantly in my face. There were no friends who I have an emotional attachment to that he used to PMO to for me to feel hurt from. I didn't feel like I was on the verge of tears every time we went out in public. In fact I felt the urge to be affectionate towards him. I felt really connected and enjoyed holding his hand on walks, making sure to sit extra close so our legs would touch. I just felt in love with him. It was fantastic to be reminded just how much I love him. I even thought about a few of my old friends and the realization that I won't be seeing them all the time, there was a part of me that knew I would miss them. It felt good to know I was going to miss them. I want to feel that and not be focusing on my husband masturbating to them. It just felt great to get some space. I felt like I could breath finally. Like we could be a family, a normal family. I didn't feel inferior to the other ladies I met there. I wasn't analyzing them and thinking about how my husband would prefer to masturbate to them instead of have sex with me. I just felt normal, and loved even. His willingness to do whatever it takes for us to be healthy has meant to world to me. The biggest thing I notices is that I didn't feel angry. I just felt relief and happy.
Now I know that it won't be like that every day. There will still be triggers and there was one when we were there. We went to tour a shop and on the back on the bathroom door was a calendar with skimpy ladies on it. It reminded me that we can move to get space from my friends that he PMO'd to but you can never escape P. I did watch him when he used the restroom to see what he would do. He didn't pay any attention to it when he walked by. I don't even think he knew I was watching. I asked him later and he said he just ignores that stuff. It didn't bring up old baggage or anything. I felt like we were moving to a new level in this process. I felt like it was a successful trip both for our business and for us.
Now I know that it won't be like that every day. There will still be triggers and there was one when we were there. We went to tour a shop and on the back on the bathroom door was a calendar with skimpy ladies on it. It reminded me that we can move to get space from my friends that he PMO'd to but you can never escape P. I did watch him when he used the restroom to see what he would do. He didn't pay any attention to it when he walked by. I don't even think he knew I was watching. I asked him later and he said he just ignores that stuff. It didn't bring up old baggage or anything. I felt like we were moving to a new level in this process. I felt like it was a successful trip both for our business and for us.
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cuppatea
Guest
Sounds like a really positive step for you both and your family. That's a great step with your friends as well, being able to think about the friendship foremost.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well overall things are getting better. I have been focusing on the true concepts of forgiveness and working on truly forgiving him. I know he is sorry, I know if he could he would go back and change everything, but we can't do that. All we can do is work forward. I feel like I have all of this hurt in me an I don't know how to get it out and let it go. I think the act of consciously telling myself that I am forgiving him, this hurt will slowly fade. The concept of justice and restitution have been in my head and I am realizing that those are human concept that aren't real. We humans have decided that they exist but in reality if you look at nature, thing are fair. This world isn't a "fair" place, its broken. I am a christian not in a religious sense but in a true relationship. I don't abide by rules but I choose to live for a purpose. I am learning how to carry that into this healing process. I am learning that if I hold my husband to the standard of what is fair, I am the one who suffers the most. This situation is not fair. If I wanted him to "pay" then my children would pay too by living in an environment with that hostility. Our relationship would never heal and in the end I would still never feel even and better. You cannot erase this hurt and there are no works that can heal it. Only forgiveness will allow me to let go and have peace. If I choose to constantly analyze his past behavior and elevate myself above him. By telling myself that he did this and I would never (even though these are the facts) if I harp on them I start to build an entitlement in my heart. That just brings division into our relationship and that too will create the same horrid environment for our family and do nothing to help my healing. So I choose love. I need to take the example set before me and humble love and serve my husband, trusting that God will come along side me and fill in when I am empty. I need to trust that my choosing to forgive and love that the pain will fade and be replaced by peace. I know that this is a daily choice and it is very difficult. I am not becoming a doormat, I am not enabling, I am not serving out of fear. I am doing so out of love, for my husband, for our family and for myself. This I believe is what we are call to do. Through this process I hope to fall in love with him again and for the first time. He is a new man and I feel pretty changed myself. I hope our new selves will love each other more fully than the previous ones.
aquarius25
Respected Member
I don't know a bout wise but thank you for the kind words.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Well over the weekend we participated in a marriage workshop Friday and Saturday. It was put on by a local church and it was called The Art of Marriage. It was really great to connect. It gave us a roadmap of some good questions to ask and some great things to think about. Overall I felt that we were already starting a lot of the things they were suggesting and it was good confirmation to know we are on the right track. It was nice because they didn't have group conversations but we would just have conversations with our partners, that way we didn't have to talk all about our crap with everyone. I really appreciated the privacy! The biggest thing I took away was how much I really do love my husband and how incredibly important forgiving his is, not just for him but for me too. Half way through we had to write each other love notes and it was really nice to hear and read his heart. I will treasure that letter forever! I feel like we aren't over this and we still have a long way to go but lately we have been having more good days than bad and I am really appreciating that.
On a completely different note the weekend took an unexpected turn sunday when we had to rush our cat into an emergency vet hospital for surgery. He had been bit about a week ago and it was healing great but apparently he had developed an abscess. Yuck!!!! His skin started turning blue.....like a smerf situation for real! Of course the kids were upset. They had to do surgery and now he is home with 16 stitches and lots of morphine. The look of the stitches creeps me out!!! Like super yuck!!! I am glad that I have my husband who is able to be strong that the things I am not. We do make a good team. Now if I could just get this stupid cat to lay down and sleep! He keeps wanting to walk everywhere and he keeps bumping into everything because of his cone of shame! I am thinking to glue some festive holiday garland to it just to make him look more ridiculous. Is it bad that I kinda love him wearing this thing? It's so funny and after $800's of vet bills I feel like I could use a good laugh, lol. I know I am horrible.
On a completely different note the weekend took an unexpected turn sunday when we had to rush our cat into an emergency vet hospital for surgery. He had been bit about a week ago and it was healing great but apparently he had developed an abscess. Yuck!!!! His skin started turning blue.....like a smerf situation for real! Of course the kids were upset. They had to do surgery and now he is home with 16 stitches and lots of morphine. The look of the stitches creeps me out!!! Like super yuck!!! I am glad that I have my husband who is able to be strong that the things I am not. We do make a good team. Now if I could just get this stupid cat to lay down and sleep! He keeps wanting to walk everywhere and he keeps bumping into everything because of his cone of shame! I am thinking to glue some festive holiday garland to it just to make him look more ridiculous. Is it bad that I kinda love him wearing this thing? It's so funny and after $800's of vet bills I feel like I could use a good laugh, lol. I know I am horrible.
aquarius25
Respected Member
Boy this cat thing is really taking my time. In addition to all the other craziness of the holidays we have my son's birthday on the 16th, our wedding anniversary on the 17th, and now I have to feed my cat by hand and syringe feed him water because with this cone of shame he can't really get to the bowls. I also have to do hot and cold compresses 3 times a day and give him pain meds and antibiotics too. O man its nuts! On the plus side I am pretty happy to see we are making it to our anniversary. There was a few weeks there where I wasn't sure if we would to be honest. It will be officially 13 years of marriage and 15 years together. I was really young when we got married (20). I don't think either of us really knew what we were getting into but I am glad to see that we have come this far. Hoping that 2017 is full of a lot more joy and happiness than 2016!
aquarius25
Respected Member
Hey thanks, Just_Keep_Swimming! Yes it has been nuts but overall its getting better. I am learning that the first step is up to me and my attitude is my own responsibility. I can't control my husband but I can control myself and I can choose the quality of life I want to live. It has made such a big difference in my daily life! I hope that you are doing well also! Many blessings on your holidays and may 2017 be a year of re-connection with you and your partner!