Its a process...I guess.

[aquarius25]

So an update on the cat front. These cones of shame make it very difficult for him to move around, feed himself, or do much of anything. Its been crazy. I have to syringe feed him water, hand feed him food and help him with just about everything, lol. This is a lot of work for a cat and during the holidays no less! Ahhh! We are hanging in there though and it looks like he is going to be fine. He gets the stitched out tomorrow and it couldn't come soon enough!
Merry Christmas everyone!

 

[aquarius25]

Well another Christmas has come and gone. Our cat is still in his cone of shame. We took him in and it just wasn't healing quite like they hoped so he has two more weeks and then if it still isn't there they are going to do another surgery. He is becoming a very expensive cat, lol. Overall Christmas was ok. The kids had a great time and my mom enjoyed having them stay at her house for a few extra days. We finally told the entire family that we are moving and it looks like it will be at the beginning of March when we load the truck. We found a house and are in the process of selling ours. I had a head cold on Christmas and asked my hubby for some decongestant. After I took them I started feeling super tired and found out he gave me the night time stuff. So I spend most of Christmas day in a fog. It was super frustrating because I really wanted to visit and see my family but I kept needing to go take little cat naps.

On Christmas eve when we were driving to my moms we got in a discussion that kindof dampened my mood with my hubby and I. I am trying to stay positive but I also must be honest that my feeling are still very hurt by this whole thing. It comes down to the fact that I am not his first choice. I just feel a bit unwanted. When we married I chose him. I desired him and he was my pick. He was what I wanted. After realizing everything about his addiction and how long it has gone on for I just feel really rejected. He never wanted me first. I was never his first choice. He always had porn. The women in his porn are better looking, skinnier and more of what he desires. At least that is how I feel. I feel like a consolation prize. I know he loves me very much but I don't feel like he lusts after me. He lusted after porn. I feel like second best. That really hurts. He says that isn't the case and he feels different now and that he does find me very attractive but the words loose their meaning when his actions show otherwise for a very long time. I think it also makes sex less exciting because the entire time I just feel like the consolation prize. I don't want to be anyone's second best. I want to be desired. I want to be their first pick. The funny thing is at this point I don't think he would be my first choice either because I wouldn't choose a porn addict. I feel like we are repairing the friendship but this part of the marriage is deeply wounded. I just really hurts to feel so rejected by the one person who meant the most to you. No matter what they say now it doesn't change the fact that it happened. Whats done is done. Now we just have to deal with the consequences together.

 

[aquarius25]

Just_Keep_Swimming, I had a talk with him today and we talked about this. He was trying to explain that he is attracted to me and I told him how its hard to believe considering the past behavior. He understood that completely and finally we both came to the realization that we just have to keep moving forward. We can't change the past. I know he is sorry and regrets his choices but we are here now. The only thing he can do is start doing what he can to make me feel like I am his choice now. I might not believe it at first but my hope is over time I can start to believe him. That is the only think I could think of to do. Just keep moving forward. I certainly don't want to go back.

 

[Gracie]

That is what we decided too, keep going forward.  We had a discussion about what caused the porn choice.  He said deaths in family.  I said so somebody dies and you think naked women?  I do not get that.  And I never will.  I had to take care of family stuff over a few months and he thought I chose that over him.  He thought he was losing me so that was why he chose porn.  Don't get that either.  Then you wonder is that the truth or handy excuse?  He did cry and say he almost threw it all away.  So in 15 years he never thought he was throwing it away.  Really?  So much hurt so lttle explanation or answer to why.  So move forward, keep talking and keep loving and accept the new relationship.

 

[aquarius25]

Gracie, thank you for the supportive words. Yes I agree, every time I dwell on the past I can literally feel all the hurt all over again. It consumes me for days. I have to choose to move out of it and start focusing on all the work being done in the present to allow my mind to move out of the funk. I know I need to ask him to be more verbal about his feeling for me but for some reason asking someone to compliment me ruins the compliment. Its like forcing a kid to apologize, it just doesn't feel sincere. I just want him to tell me on a regular basis for a bit how much I do mean to him and that he does find me attractive and I don't want to have to beg for spell it out for him. I feel like he should naturally want to say these things to me. When he doesn't it just makes me feel like maybe he doesn't feel these things. I am seeing just how raw, vulnerable, fragile, and insecure I still am. Long way to go in my recovery.

 

[Gracie]

We all feel that way.  It is harder for us I think in the long run.  So many things as time goes on are explained by the addiction.  And it is overwhelming.  Today on a program I watch a man said what he thought when he saw a young girl.  (Sexual).  My husband asked if I was okay and I said no.  You thought this too.  You fantasized about them touching you and you touching them.  You could look at a picture and be turned on, you had them hidden.  Then you took away my sex life.  For 15 years less and less sex.  While they got more and more. 

And, I still love him.  We have rules and boundries.  But it is such hard work.

 

[mobilfreak]

Me and my wife read the book "the five love languages". It made big difference in our marriage.

Can highly recommend it!

 

[aquarius25]

Yes I have read the love languages book. The funny thing is through this process my love languages have changed a bit. I have always been an acts of service and quality time. I never used to need words of affirmation or gifts or anything. Now I am finding that I do need those things very much. Its a weird feeling as I am not used to needing this. I really think it boils down to needing to be pursued by him. Needing to know that I mean enough that I am worth the effort for an extended period of time. Just as he went through all the hoops and jumps for his addiction I want him to put that same if not more effort into me. Into earning my trust again, and building our relationship. I really need that right now.

He is getting ready to go on a work trip for a big job. He went on a job similar a few years ago before D-day. Its about 3 hrs away and in the town him mom lives in, so he stays with her. The last time he went he would come home on the weekends or we would visit him. At the time I didn't know about his PA and his PIED was very bad. Apparently he was jerking off everyday when he got back from the job, at his mothers house!!! Anyway when I would see him on the weekends I wanted to have sex and connect and it just wasn't working. He didn't have access to the drugs he was taking to gain an erection (I had no idea he was even taking them) so he couldn't get it up at all. At the time I thought it was me. I felt so horrible about myself. I would cry after we left. I didn't want to put more pressure on him so I didn't want to tell him how upset I was. I was taking care of the kids during the week all alone, managing the house, homeschooling, the business and everything all while feeling like crap. We did that for almost 4 months! Now I know it was all because he was looking at porn. Having him go back to this job even for just a few weeks is bringing up so many emotions and anxiety! He will be working 7 days a week so we won't see him on the weekends and he will be gone for about 2-3 weeks. I am going to be left home to maintain the rest of life, kids, business, work, packing the house, fixing last min repairs myself so we can list it to sell, and all the other aspects of life. I really thought I was doing pretty good maintaining a positive attitude and now I just feel like its all crashing down. I am just going to try to stay out of my head and try to focus on the tasks at hand. Trying not to get overwhelmed by everything. I keep reminding myself, this too will pass.

 

[mobilfreak]

sorry to hear that u dont will be able to be together and u need to do much of the job by yourself.

Anxiety is really a hard thing to come over, what so ever is causing it. The things u are feeling are not strange, it seams all natural and direct healthy in my opinion.  Feelings is something good, even if we feel sad, anger or anxiety. the feelings tells us something and that we need to vent and take care of. Often life is coming in between and hinder us from taking time for these feelings and deal with them. I cant understand fully your emotions and feelings, but i can tell u it can be better, and it will probably will, as long as he quit PMO.

One thing I have learned from my anxiety is that i need to stay at my half of the field. A relationship is always two sides, and when we are close to someone, we often (well at least for me) want to go over on the other person half and help them. We call it love and caring. But imagine a goalie in soccer, who start to go from his space and start to tell the midfield how to play. He may have right and be correct about his opinion, but he will risk to fail at his own work, if he concentrate to much on what the midfield should or not should do..

U and your husband are in the same team, even if it not always feels like it. Me and my wife have come up with some rules, and we have been working hard to vent our emotions when needed. Its okey to feel what ever we feel, and we can act upon our feelings as adults, and talk about it. My wife need to tell me if she is sad or lowly. And i need to do the same. Its not easy when u feel betrayed.

When my wife was cheating on me during one of my deep depressions, i was devastated. We talked about it and then i made up my mind to forgive her. After that i did my best to show my love to her, because i believed she was feeling like she didnt have the right to be loved by me. I believed that if i not do my work to support her and make sure i show my 100% love towards her, it will be more difficult for her to come over her feelings. But i never stepped over the line, she needed to do her things. She needed to make the decision and make the actions to stop seeing her lover. So she changed her phone number, quit her job, even if she didnt have a new one. And then she started her "new life".

What i wanna say to you is that dont feel guilty for not doing enough and like its on you that he PMO. Its his responsibility. and make time with your man and set up a new life together, do your part, and if he fails, sit down again and make a new plan, that better fits your lives. One of my favorite quotes are "if u do the same thing today as u did yesterday, u will get the same results as yesterday, if u want another result, change your actions" and Jim Rohn "If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree."

U cant stop him from PMO, and he cant help you with your feelings. We all grow from within, and when we are in balance with ourselves, we are able to enjoy life even when bad/sad things happens around us. The best advice I can give is to find a way to love yourself and that will help u recover and feel more happy in life. Its not good for anyone who relay on other people or things for their happiness.  Your husband need to stop seek happines thru PMO as someone need to stop work and buy stuff for happines. Or as for me, i need to stop focusing on have close best friends, like i need them to be happy.

U are doing great, and its all fine to be anxious, sad or angry, its part of life and it tells u something. Whar does it tells u?

 

[aquarius25]

Well thing are going..not sure if they are better or worse, they just are. We are now over the holidays and can focus on getting our house sold. We moved into a "fixer" a few years ago and have done quite a bit of work to it so we are definitely getting some decent gains but there is still a lot of projects left to finish. Also we have to remove about half of our stuff so the house will "show" better to potential buyers. Of course my hubby leaves tomorrow for the traveling job. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. We connected a bit over the weekend and even had sex. It was ok. I am still trying to get comfortable in my own skin when we are together naked. It has made it almost impossible for me to orgasm with him. My mind keeps straying to the realization that for years I wasn't his priority, when all the while he was mine. That is not something you want to be thinking about during sex, lol! Also I wonder about a hundred times when we are kissing if he is thinking about me or porn? I really hope that this changes with time. I am tired of feeling second rate and frankly like crap. In the meantime I have a lot of things to occupy my time! I will have to do all kinds of house projects from roofing, painting, moving lots of heavy furniture and getting carpet installed in the bedrooms, moving a ton of heavy metal from our shop all by myself. Plus all the homeschooling and keeping up with the business. Its all a little overwhelming but I am looking forward to the day we get to move! I have distanced myself from a lot of my friends that they hardly call anymore. They just think I am too busy for them (which I am pretty busy) but mostly I just don't want to see them because it hurts so much. One of my closest friends is the hardest. She is a truly amazing woman and now every time I see her all I picture is my husband sitting there starring at her with his cock out. I even feel jealous of it! That is so pathetic. I still feel uneasy about him traveling again. He has to take his computer with him and he is pretty much over porn even being tempting, plus he is going to be working a ton but I still wonder. I wonder if he is lying about everything and is actually looking forward to getting a break from his family to go and PMO every night. I wonder if he has and still is this entire time and I just don't know about it. I wonder if I will every be able to fully trust him again, to fully believe when he tells me about his progress. I really do love him, and I think he is a good person but I have to say this experience has changed the way I see him. It has left deep scars. I hope that we can make it through this and still be able to continue loving each other.

 

[aquarius25]

Honestly the doubts are all in my head. Oddly I feel split in two. He is doing everything he can. He said he could even leave his computer at home but that just adds more stuff on my plate. I feel like he need to take it so he can get our accounting caught up and start the taxes. He said he wouldn't hook it up to the internet if that made me feel better. He plans to check in every day/ several times a day. He also said he wouldn't wipe any history on the computer and I could check everything when he returned so I can see everything he has done. His phone is connected to mine on the cloud and he lets me look at it anytime I want. He said he would close anything on their either and he lets me put whatever restrictions I want on it. He really is doing a good job. He is willing to do anything I want/need. At this point I am the problem if we are going to be absoutly honest. Its true. I feel like my mind is split in two, my logical side. The side that knows he isn't even interested in porn. It came up on conversation with some friend a few weeks back and the look on his face was one of complete disgust. The idea of porn make him sick at this point. I know he just wants to do what ever it take for however long it take to get our family and marriage back. But then there is this emotional side. That is where all of the doubt lives, the hurt, and broken trust, the second guessing. That is where it creeps up and takes over sometimes and I just feel like a mess. Trying to allow myself to experience these emotions so they are not repressed yet also keep them in check so I don't run away with them is a tricky balance. This really is a long process.

 

[aquarius25]

Well my hubby has been gone for two days now. Of course the night he left we got hit with a snow storm. I love snow so it was exciting but the added things to do has made it a bit more stressful. I have been moving a lot of furniture and in the snow (super slippery) is making it harder. Glad I work out regular cause otherwise I wouldn't be able to do this! We have been burning through more wood which requires staying on top of the fire and moving and spitting wood more often. On the plus side I am noticing all the little things that he does for this family and I am appreciating them at a deeper level, lol. I love how he brings me coffee in the morning! I had to call him last night to ask how to set the alarm on the coffee maker, I had never done it before. I can see all the little ways he says I love you every day. I can see all the small acts of service that make up my daily life and tell me how much I mean to him. Its nice to appreciate those things.

 

[malando]

What a nice post! I don't have anything to add to that other than it made me smile.

 

[aquarius25]

Looks like the hubby's job is going to be a bit lighter than initially expected and he will be able to return home on the weekends, that is a plus. The kids are crazy excited. We are a very close family as we work both work together from home, we home school our kids together and spend a lot of time together. It baffles me sometimes how he managed to find the space to PMO all these years living in such closeness, lol.

I have been chipping away and my mile long list of things to do and while boxing a bunch of stuff I came across an old CD of pictures I had taken. It was actually a gift for him since he really likes vintage pin ups girls. I had a friend a while back who did a ton of professional quality pin ups pictures of me with props and everything. At the time it was a lot of fun and I have to say I am kinda proud of how great they turned out. Now I just feel like it is porn. It has left me feeling like I don't know what to do. I really like some of the pictures. None of them are naked (as most of the tasteful pin ups  from that era were completely clothed). I don't know if I should throw this away for keep it? I certainly don't want my husband to masturbate to it, although I really don't think he would. He is pretty much committed to no masturbating period. Still I am at a loss.

 

[aquarius25]

JKS, yes I think you are right and I will keep them. Thanks for your support!

Well the hubby left today. This kids are not handling it well. They have been crying almost every night when he is gone. They loved having him home for the weekend but saying goodbye is always hard. I have been reading some of the other journal on here in the other categories. I just have to say how amazingly helpful they are. Reading mens accounts, and hearts regarding improving their lives is very motivating. On the other hand there are a few that seem to be focused on just sex. On wanting their penises to work and not much more. I think a few months ago this would have been upsetting and hard for me to read so I am glad to report that it isn't bothering to me anymore. I just feel sad as they are missing so much and when you only focus on fixing the symptom without finding the root cause will only bring them back to more symptoms. I can see how my progress is improving. There are still things that come up. Most of the things lately that have been bothering me are when I am out and about and not prepared and run into one of my husband big facebook PMO ladies. Of course they have no idea that my husband liked to "rub one out" to pictures of them. I just end up feeling so uncomfortable, insecure, and hurt when I see them. I haven't been going to the gym as much as I felt that my reason for going had changed a bit. Before all of this I was going to improve my health and to be able to do more with my life by being more physically fit. Lately it has changed to wanting to be more sexy, and I spend my time comparing myself to the other women who are there and who my husband masturbated to. I was going about 10 hr a week to work out and then I coach another 5. So lately I have cut back to 4 or so hrs per week. Of course now I feel lazy and then I run into all of these women and I just feel like crap. In addition we weren't able to have sex this last weekend and even thought my rational mind knows that he isn't going to go back and look at a bunch of naked women, there is a part of me that is scared. I want to be further than this, and I feel ridiculous for still having this feeling but to be honest I am still here.

 

[aquarius25]

JKS, you are absoutly right. I have been working on breathing and meditating. I usually try (when I have a moment) to stop and acknowledge the emotions I am feeling and then work through a breathing exercise to help move past them. The first part of knowing what I am feeling and letting myself accept that is it there is key. Right now we are in winter and we have had some crazy ice storms. It has been perfect (I love winter). I have been going outside where it is so cold you can see your breath. I imagine myself literally breathing out the feeling of hurt, anger, and everything else that comes up for me. Then I see myself breathing in love, empowerment, kindness, forgiveness (for myself and others). Seeing my breath when I exhale is actually helpful because I can see a visual for this supersize. I know it sounds silly but it has been oddly helpful in those moments of overwhelm.

Today has been better. I when to the gym this morning and decided I was going for myself, not for my insecurities. When I started feeling insecure I acknowledge that it is coming up and I tell myself I am a badass chicka and I don't need anyone making me feel less that amazing, lol. Its just not helpful to anyone. Plus I did pretty well at my workout. I ran half a mile and deadlifted 180 lbs 77 times in just under 9 1/2 mins! What better way to empower yourself then lifting heavy weight. Feeling pretty good now. I have to go back and coach this evening and I am getting my mind in a good place so I can be encouraging to others and not get stuck in my own head. Plus the long list of stuff to do on the house is still ever present and I am continuing to chip away at so I don't have to worry about being bored, lol.

 

[aquarius25]

Ok today has been hard. I have been feeling not only overwhelm but also loneliness. I feel like all the the responsibility of the house work is on my shoulders and I really wish that I had not just help but also the company. I love my kids but they are less than helpful in some ways. I miss my best friend and partner. Then today I was splitting some wood and stacking it in front of the house and I fell in on the icy steps. I thought I have broken up all the ice in the walk way but apparently I missed a spot and BAM! It really hurt! I had to coach tonight and even with lots of ibuprofen my tailbone still hurt a ton!!! Well I am hoping that tomorrow is better cause I have way too much to do.

 

[kook__]

Plus I did pretty well at my workout. I ran half a mile and deadlifted 180 lbs 77 times in just under 9 1/2 mins! What better way to empower yourself then lifting heavy weight.

Just wow. You really don't need to compare yourself with others
Hope you are healing well.

 

[Fight or Flight]

Hope you are feeling better aquarius25..

 

[aquarius25]

Today was better. I had a friend come over and help me paint and my mom even came down and helped a bit too. It was nice to have someone help me. I have been feeling like everything is on my shoulders so it was nice to have some people come to help. I am getting really excited about our move in so many ways! We finally have a place to move to and that is a huge relief. Its nice to know where we will be driving the moving truck too, lol! Looking forward to getting this house on the market!