Hey thank you Cupatea for checking in! The moving plans are coming together. We are actually moving across the country. Its crazy but it ended up being the best opportunity for our business. We are flying out in two weeks to go check everything out. We own a start up lighting company and work with a vendor over there so being closer to him will help a lot and the fresh start will be a huge help to us and our family. We won't be able to actually move till probably March sometime as we have to finish a few things on our house and sell it. We will have to rent to start as we don't want to buy a house we haven't seen in person, lol. So there is just so many details to go over.
Right now we are on a trip out of town on an install in Sonoma (wine country). We drove down and took the time to talk about things. We are doing better but I think there are a few things that I will probably never get over and never understand. I am just trying to lean how to be ok with not understanding everything. I am starting to enjoy his company more and trying to focus on the future and the moment instead of focusing on the past. Its hard....really hard. I still have a difficult time understanding why it took him breaking his penis from porn overdose to get his attention. Using another woman's underwear to masturbate with repeatedly for years wasn't enough, viewing pictures of my friends while stroking his penis for over a decade wasn't enough. Only after realizing that it was the reason he had to take pill just to get hard did he finally start to work on things. He didn't even tell me, I had to come across panties 2 weeks later, he still wasn't ready to be honest. I have tried to put myself into his shoes but I just can't understand what would justify him to sit down in front of a computer, pull his dick out, grab his secret panties, search for just the right picture, and stroke himself until he orgasm. And repeat this process for an average of 6-8 hrs a week for over a decade of marriage. Its actually mind blowing to me. I am trying to get over this but it really doesn't make any sense. He is doing everything he can to not only beat this but also to support me. I ask him about it and why he would think that was ok to do, how he was able to justify that behavior for so long. Even he says he has no idea. I just don't understand. Knowing that he could just lie like that so for many years and do some pretty (sorry for my judgement and language but) pretty fucked up shit! Its so unsettling to me. I feel like I am one of those women that don't know they are married to a serial killer, lol. In all honesty he really is a great guy, good father, and he does love me very much. I just can't shake the questions of what is it that I don't know? Really hoping that this feeling will fade when I am not daily reminded of it by seeing all of my friends everyday. I know there will never be any official "closure" as long as I stay with him and I love him. SO I guess I just have to learn to deal with this feeling.