Emptyroom
Active Member
Day 42.
I don't feel very safe. I feel that I am standing about 5 meters away from the slippery slope. The doomsday-clock is 25 minutes to twelve. To be more clear and less pretentious, I mean that I have had some minor urges.
It feels really scary but I feel that only a few thoughts or one or two mental pictures made at will would bring me to have serious urges. I feel like I am walking in a house of glass. Even though I feel fine right now, I feel like hell could break loose at any time. Somehow, I don't feel like I know how to prepare for the worst at this point. Maybe I am downplaying my own self-control. If I would relapse now, It would be my fault. I couldn't blame something outside of myself. I know that urges will come. If I don't prepare myself with that knowledge then that's on me. I should not blame external factors, those are like excuses to fail. I am strong and I can think ahead and save myself from doing terrible harm to myself. I just have to feel responsible and understand that I can control my actions.
I wish love to you all,
/J
I don't feel very safe. I feel that I am standing about 5 meters away from the slippery slope. The doomsday-clock is 25 minutes to twelve. To be more clear and less pretentious, I mean that I have had some minor urges.
It feels really scary but I feel that only a few thoughts or one or two mental pictures made at will would bring me to have serious urges. I feel like I am walking in a house of glass. Even though I feel fine right now, I feel like hell could break loose at any time. Somehow, I don't feel like I know how to prepare for the worst at this point. Maybe I am downplaying my own self-control. If I would relapse now, It would be my fault. I couldn't blame something outside of myself. I know that urges will come. If I don't prepare myself with that knowledge then that's on me. I should not blame external factors, those are like excuses to fail. I am strong and I can think ahead and save myself from doing terrible harm to myself. I just have to feel responsible and understand that I can control my actions.
I wish love to you all,
/J