FlyPhoenix
Active Member
DepressedAndOut said:
*Trigger Warning (felt it necessary to mention some specifics of my acting out)
Hey man,
My problem is the opposite, I have probably slept with over a hundred prostitutes in my life and only about 5 "normal" girls, consensual encounters, which escalated to 'trans' escorts and 'trans' porn, which is apparently becoming more and more common in this fallen world.
I felt I was also hopeless, and that I would not be able to make love to a "normal" woman, because the attraction to trans porn and sex was so strong.
As I read the YBOP website I came across HOCD, which I realise is exactly what I had. When I decided to hand my life over to the Lord in 2014 I had stopped having sex with escorts, and thankfully never since, God-willing.
However, I've still struggled with PMO, MO and P. The last time I PMO was about 1.5 months ago, and the last time I looked at stimulating material (Jerry Springer reveals) was about 20 days (whatever my counter says).
But, the solution for me, was to continue to hand my life over to God, and if I relapsed, to not beat myself up, because that leads to long binges. I really believe that a PMO slip is better than a full on binge. Although I might have the shame still, it is better for my reboot to keep the slips down to short bursts, if they happen at all, pick myself up and continue with recovery, attend meetings, speak to other addicts, pray, do service and continue to do "step work" focus more and more on solutions, rather than the problem.
In order to gain more sensitivity in the body and especially sexually, I have done several things, including but not limited to the following this:
1. Meditation - with "kegel" exercises, which is light contractions of pelvic floor as you breathe in and releasing as you breath out. Make sure to breath gently and through your abdominal centre, which is just under your navel, do not move the chest, keep the breathing in the base. Read up on this and maybe do some "chi kung" exercises from books, online or classes if they are available in your area, this is probably the most powerful thing you can do to strengthen your sexual energy and overall energy in your body.
2. Touch therapy - alone or in a long-term, loving relationship. Like I?ve mentioned, take time in a meditative state to use your hands to gently touch and experience everyday objects, like rocks, flowers, trees, moist grass. Be present and relaxed, do not try to rush the process. With a partner, spend time getting to know each other, forget about sex, just spend time touching not-erotic zones, like hands, arms, give each other back rubs, and keep it at that without going all the way. In fact, you can put a rule upfront that you won?t have sex, and won?t even kiss. For me, this took so much pressure out of the ?dating game? that, when we eventually had our first kiss, a few months into our relationship, and had sex a few months after that, we had a deep knowledge of each other, and we trusted each other, that if I could not perform, we already had a solid relationship and I knew that she wanted to be with me. But by that time, we already had a strong attraction to each other. Those months will give you a good idea, as you do all the other activities of recovery that I?ve noted above, as to how much physical attraction you have for each other. It will also give you incentive to work harder at your programme.
I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to have a programme of recovery, from as many angles as possible. Remember, we put huge amounts of energy and time and scheming into our active addiction, we need to put in just as much or more into our recovery. The only reason you will not do whatever it takes to recover, is fear, which is natural. But don?t let it paralyse you, just take one step at a time, one day at a time, do something each day that will strengthen your recovery.
