Rebooting trough self-parenting

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Day 14. Smooth sailing.

Looking forward to a new episode of the Expanse.

Also noticed Jordan Peterson is doing a book tour. Nice. Not really in the mood to spend money. But very nice to see.

 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am not looking for an accountability partner or anything like that. But if anyone would like to talk weather and P addiction feel free to PM me.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Tempted to peek yesterday, a bit horny, but am able to hold space for myself for this energies to clear. Not a big deal.

The proverbial 90 days. Is more like 900 days. But like they say, beggars can't be choosers. I'll take it.

To me it feels like 9-15 months sounds about right for the nervous system to regenerate after the intensity of P. P is quite intense on the nervous system. Intense over stimulation of the nervous and endocrine system.

Feeling like putting my mind "offline". I started to like just sound meditations where I don't need to process the words just feel the feelings.

Overall it looks like it took me about 1 year of solid psychology work to deal with some emotional traumas to the point now they don't effect me to a point I would need cope with this using P.

Now it looks like it might take up to 1 to 2 years for the actual nervous system to regenerate. Will see. Onwards and upwards.

Came across this keywords "Self-directed Neuroplasticity" some interesting psychology stuff came up but again don't really feel like engaging my thinking mind too much. Feeling like taking a break from all the mental stimulation.

Keep on surfing. Stay awesome!

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Right now I am focusing in making small changes here and there and doing my best to stay consistent.

For example. This is what I focus on now. Usually when I wake up I'd go to the bathroom, do my 5 min meditation, then go back in bed and be on my tablet to check emails, social media etc.

Well, I am thinking, instead of checking this stuff in bed on my tablet. Might as well get up and do it my computer as I am doing this now.

Small changes like this. Nothing drastic. Will see where this gets me. Time sure flies. Here I am on day 20. The urges are very easy to manage for me right now. Expecting to be tested again. At least at the 30 day mark.

Surfs up
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Well yet again I will post this: Urge surfing works.

Getting some P scenes showing up in my mind's eye, feeling a bit horny. Relax, Accept, Connect with the heart and Observe and Wait.

The wave always breaks. But wow, looks like this will be one of those days. The sea is rough, the waves are high, the storm is here.

Sail true to the heart compass. The wave always breaks.

Wishing everyone a good sail trough the holidays.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I've been thinking... why let say porn companies, tobacco companies, alcohol companies what is their edge at?

I'd imagine a tobacco company spends a whole lot of $$$ on psychologists and trying to get in peoples minds. How they think, what makes them tick, etc.

But on the other hand. People who consume. Such as us here. Porn addicts. Or smokers, etc. How much time did we spent on psychology? How much time do we spend trying to figure what makes us tick?

I am finding out. That I don't need to spend 10.000 hours on psychology. But there is a MASSIVE difference now spending at least 100 hours studying psychology than before of 0 hours.

0 hours vs 100 hours -> MASSIVE, drastic change
100 hours -> 10,000 hours -> not as a big of a difference than 100 -> 10,000.

The difference is a bit like owning no telescope vs owning a cheap ass 200$ telescope or owning 200,000$ telescope.

Also social media companies. We are dealing with self-enslavement trough psychology. Nobody is making us spend time on social media. Nobody is making us open porn sites. We do this trough self-enslavement.

This companies have invested so much in understanding psychology if they were doing astronomy, they'd have a 200,000$ telescope and a few people observing and cataloging stuff,

most people I'd say if their understanding of psychology would be compared to astronomy, they'd own no telescope and have no idea what is out there.

but what I am seeing on the forum with people who are having success, is practically everyone who I consider to be genuinely successful with the reboot is dealing with emotional trauma issues trough some modality which practically always has psychological understanding. In this regards and I consider myself one of people who is having success, the last run of 106 days wasn't luck. I attribute it my psychology work and my multi-dimensional work. Now if my understanding of psychology would be compared to astronomy, I'd be owning maybe a 2,000$ telescope with having some understanding of the night sky and knowing what is out there.

A bit long winded to say,

the companies who make addicting products understand psychology quite well. This is self-enslavement trough psychology. The good news is that we don't need to spend 10,000 hours studying psychology. Just something like 100 hours makes a huge difference. We can level the playing field.

Self-enslavement trough psychology can be fixed with liberation trough self-psychology work. Beat them at their own game. This has always been about controlling the mind. Stuff like cigarettes, porn, alcohol, this is all about domination of the mind.

Our mind is the battleground. We can win with peaceful means, like Ghandi. This is the best option. But we need to understand what makes us tick. Hack our own brains. It wouldn't really be hacking. Just understanding some basic concepts and practicing stuff like mindfulness etc.

Urge surfing WORKS! It really does. But it takes a little practice. As does understanding our mind.

Much love
EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member

Rowing vs Sailing. This is great comparison.

Sailing the reboot vs rowing trough the reboot.

When you’re feeling you cannot force, when you’re forcing you cannot feel. Love this comment on the YT video.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Relapse. PMO. 5-10 min to a vanilla-ish P.

It is like this addiction is rewinding backwards. Fetish B is no longer interesting to me.

I feel like rewire would be helpful at this time, but not quite sure where to meet someone. Well, it will happen when it will happen. In the mean time keep on trucking.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Wow, I am having massive urges, triggers, chaser after the PMO. Getting pulled to PMO to this 2 P scenes.

Yeah....nope. The one PMO I did is because I felt this overflow of sexual energy that I don't know how to ground yet.

Hm... I'll make myself some tools. Urge surfing works but like I am saying there is a whole lot of nuance to it for it to work effectively.

December report:
2nd HFO
, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.
3rd HFO, similar than the day before except I watched a little P with it
6th peeking soft P watching Watched arousing mainstream music video, snapped out of it before it escalated further
12th peeking P browsing Browsed some P thumbnails, didn't watch any videos, bored and tired out of my mind, just asking myself I used to get turned on by this stuff? It is not really turning me on per se, but there is still this knee jerk reaction. Like with video games, I don't play computer games yet at times I am looking for pc game recommendations on YT. Well it is what it is.
14th Wet Dream. Like I am watching P TV channels and using a remote to swap channels only to have a different P scene.
25th PMO. 5-10 minutes, watched just one P video.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Wet dream. Fetish A. Didn't wake up immediately after ejaculating in dream.

It was a bit bizarre dream. Like I am in bed with my best male friend (totally not sexual) then this girl showed up that did fetish A on me. Then I remember ejaculating in dream while the friend was next by. Then the dream sequence changed.

Feeling horny in the morning after the wet dream. Fetish A on my mind.

Ended up PMing to some fetish A - one particular video was on my mind that I PMOed to while I was in high school - this is like 20 years back! While PMing...I am like...WTF...this is yuck! This is not even turning me on. GTFO.
Then I PMed to some Fetish B. Again, this is not really turning me on. GTFO.
Then I PMed to some images of some MTV music presenter from the late 1990 and to some vanilla porn start I PMOed while in high school. Again, I am like wtf, I am not a kid anymore, I don't need to PMO to this.
Then I PMed to some image of a girl I like and know in real life. Again, I am like wtf, I don't need to do this.
Then I PMed to a vanilla sex fantasy with a waitress that was serving our table yesterday. Again...

then I just ended up MOing to just physical sensation.

It looks to me like I am rewinding the P addiction. I was short of PMOing to something like a bikini calendar photos or just still photos of women.

December report:
2nd HFO
, started with a sensual meditation to connect with my sexuality but then I projected my own expectations and got carried away and fantasized about P. Ejaculated a little without touching myself.
3rd HFO, similar than the day before except I watched a little P with it
6th peeking soft P watching Watched arousing mainstream music video, snapped out of it before it escalated further
12th peeking P browsing Browsed some P thumbnails, didn't watch any videos, bored and tired out of my mind, just asking myself I used to get turned on by this stuff? It is not really turning me on per se, but there is still this knee jerk reaction. Like with video games, I don't play computer games yet at times I am looking for pc game recommendations on YT. Well it is what it is.
14th Wet Dream. Like I am watching P TV channels and using a remote to swap channels only to have a different P scene.
25th PMO. 5-10 minutes, watched just one P video.
25th Wet dream. Fetish A.
26th MOed to physical sensation after PMing first to fetish A, then festish B both feeling very unsatisfactory, PMing to some stuff I PMOed to while in high school, such as a mtv music presenter,...
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
After the MO later in the day. Some P scene came back.

I changed my approach. We can do left brain stuff -> apply logic and reason. Like source where this is coming from our belief system. We can ask ourselves some very good questions etc. Talk to our self as we would to a friend, etc.

But this time around. The P scene was about unmet need. The need for intimacy. This is my inner child's coping mechanism for unmet need. So the mental approach doesn't work.

What I did is I wrote a poem to my inner child. Hooponnopono style. I am sorry for not meeting the need for intimacy. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I did my best to be grateful for what is transpiring in my life. This is more of a right brain approach. Then I cried some and felt relieved.

Both left and right brain approaches are needed.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Some P thoughts in the morning. Also a lot more vanilla ideas. Also some very old P scenes came up that I saw like 15+ years ago. Rewinding this backwards.

Was able to just hold space for the thoughts and not engage with them much and just remind myself that I don't have to react or respond to this, just observe.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
December complete:

In the beginning of the month (3-4th) I player around with some tantra videos. I learned not to judge people who make P videos. I'd say subconsciously I felt some resentment towards this. It is gone now. I am able to relax more when hit with P thoughts.

25, 26th First a PMO one day and MO the next day.

So overall. Not the best month but not the worst either. I guess it is major improvement from PMPin daily then weekly, to now have PMO on monthly basis. Anyway.

Lots of P thoughts today. I am able to urge surf. I am just wondering. Is this it? Just not engage? Why do I want to engage with this?

My awareness is getting better. I am able to be more calm and relaxed while processing the trigger.

It looks like there are 3 different scenarios:

1. High Intensity - short duration triggers
2. Medium intensity - medium duration triggers
3. Low intensity - long duration triggers

I am noticing with holding space, it takes a whole lot of nuance to sail successfully. As different situation require slightly different approaches. Sometimes more left brained, sometimes more right brainer.

Well, I am keeping at it. This is what matters the most.

EW
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Relapse. 1x PMO. I got a bit overwhelmed with the new year stuff. I was very tired from a trip. The whole of yesterday one P scene was nagging me, and today the whole of today another P scene was nagging me. Long duration, low intensity.

Not a big deal. I'll figure it out.

I am ok with the relapse. I don't see how I could have improved the situation given my current state of being and the situation I am in and my past. I am exactly where I am suppose to be. I accept myself.

Obviously this is not where I want to stay. I believe I can do better.

I was tired. My space holding / urge surfing is a bit half assed, as I am very tired all the time. A bit of an excuse if I wasn't tired then I wouldn't have relapsed. Don't deceive yourself bro.

When the P scene was nagging me. I became aware of it. I just let it go. Like Aha, I am aware of it. I let it go. I don't need to engage with it. And repeat ... and repeat ... and repeat ... and repeat. But it was messing me up slowly. The wave always breaks. This is true. But in this case

what I could have done is a bit more elaborate meditation to clear myself.

I'll have plenty of chance to do this more.

EW
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
It looks like there are 3 different scenarios:

1. High Intensity - short duration triggers
2. Medium intensity - medium duration triggers
3. Low intensity - long duration triggers

Happy New Year, EW! Sorry about your recent struggles...

This is an interesting beakdown. Would you say that the more intense scenario is rooted in emotions, whether these are day-to-day, or even linking to past trauma?

For the longer duration, do you think that this is more due to habits (or responses to cues) that we've been inadvertently (or knowingly) engaging in- pro or con?

Wishing you well.
 
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