My journey to be a better man.

[RunPierreRun]

Do we have to be comletly clean? The main goal is that the porn shall not control our life and ruin our sexual behavior.
Dont feel sick just because masturbating after a long tiring day.
My main goal is to live happily without shame, because shame is one of our enemies. And if I will fail once, I will try not to blame myself but understand that man marches on, tries, sometimes fails, then starts again.
The more clean days you have, the best.
Keep on my friend and dont let bad days dissapoint you, those are part of the project!

 

[Phineas 808]

Yesterday I stayed away and today I want to try and get back on track.

This roller coaster can be exhausting. I hope you are all doing o.k. Hang in there.

This 'back-and-forth' is understandable, Guitar, as you're seeking to correct your trend and reestabilsh control. You can even chalk up what happened as a reminder that porn is never the solution. It is the very thing that you're wanting to change about yourself, to be the better man that you already are inside.

Just walk on. It's a new day, and you're a new man.

 

[guitar1968]

I'm really in a bad place right now. I have been so back and forth on this whole thing and it's making me nuts. And, I have to say, my ED is worse than ever now. I think it's gotten worse since I came back and started with PMO again. I can barely keep an erection while watching porn until I find that one weird thing that works for me and I don't always find that one thing. That leaves me with a limp dick and feeling awful. I feel sexually dead. I hate it and I know it's because I keep being drawn back in.

I have to get back to that place where my mind shuts off to this. I'm an addict. It's plain and simple. But it can be so hard getting back on the horse when you've fallen off.

I have to stop trying and just start doing. I can't be this guy the rest of my life. I'm beginning to hate him.

I apologize for some of my language in this post. I'm very frustrated with myself right now and this is really the only place where I can get it out.

 

[guitar1968]

Do we have to be comletly clean? The main goal is that the porn shall not control our life and ruin our sexual behavior.
Dont feel sick just because masturbating after a long tiring day.
My main goal is to live happily without shame, because shame is one of our enemies. And if I will fail once, I will try not to blame myself but understand that man marches on, tries, sometimes fails, then starts again.
The more clean days you have, the best.
Keep on my friend and dont let bad days dissapoint you, those are part of the project!

I want to reply directly to this because of what I'm going through now. I always hoped that I could get back to being one of those casual porn users. Maybe once or twice a month have a quick PMO and be done with it. I tried that this year. I did o.k. at first. Then it started creeping back into a daily thing. At first after a good time away, I was able to get hard and ejaculate pretty easy, but as I started to get back to doing it every day everything went down hill.

So, for me, I don't know if I ever can be a casual porn user. I won't beat myself up for slipping once in a while, but I will be beat myself up for being completely drawn back into the madness. I feel like that's where I am again.

Everyone is different. I just can't seem to only do it once in a while even if I haven't for 6 months.

 

[Phineas 808]

I have to get back to that place where my mind shuts off to this. I'm an addict. It's plain and simple. But it can be so hard getting back on the horse when you've fallen off.

I have to stop trying and just start doing. I can't be this guy the rest of my life. I'm beginning to hate him.

Hey, Guitar. I know this place, particularly after 'doing good', and then falling off the wagon, or returning to where these behaviors become habitual again- it's difficult.

I believe in you, always have. I have faith that you can- and are- that man that you are deep inside.

If you need anything from me, pointers, advice, a listening ear, or however I can be of help, just let me know. You can PM me here, if you wish.

 

[guitar1968]

Thans so much @Phineas 808 you have been a big help already. Unless you can come to my house, follow me around, slap the phone out of my hand when I'm looking at women on Instagram and slap my hands away from my computer keyboard when I'm about to type in a porn site, I don't think I can ask more of you. Reading your posts helps a lot. Coming back here helps. Staying busy helps. Having a plan helps. I'm trying to formulate the plan right now. I'm in the hot and heavy phase of feeling like the only option is give in to it. The good news? I've been very busy since Tuesday. I think I can easily make it through the weekend. That will give me some days away from it. Then it gets tough. So, I'm not sure what my plan of attack is going to be. I'm sitting here typing this wishing I had just gone on to the porn sites. I hate to say it, but I feel the vibrations running through my body right now. I'm going to finish this post and head outside for a bit. It's an amazing Spring day. I might have to start counting days again. Making small goals. 7, then 14, then 30.... not sure yet. Give me the weekend to figure it out.

So, for now I'm going to walk away from the computer and try to breathe and relax.

Have a wonderful weekend friends.

 

[Phineas 808]

Awesome, Guitar! I'm excited to hear of this plan that you're now formulating. Somehow make it 'exciting' for yourself- transformative, challenging, and yet realistically doable. The small goals are a great idea, too. That's how I've restarted after burying myself in my addiction again, just small attainable goals, ever increasing, challenging myself to do better than my last run.

Social media has been a recurring weakness for me, and then once TikTok became part of it- that was like crack cocaine to me. But, changing these habits are affecting 'the habit' of P, PMO, and MO. So thankful.

Grateful to be of any service I can.

 

[TryingHarder]

Great posts, @guitar1968. Like you, I'm also a man in my early 50s who is trying to beat a 25+ year addiction. I see a lot of myself in your posts: similar age, circumstances, realizations, etc.

 

[guitar1968]

Well, I'm at 7 days no PMO. I guess that's a good thing. I'm going to do another 7 day goal for right now. If I get through this one, I'll double it. I was very busy this past week and I have a lot going on right now. It's helping a lot to keep busy. The urges were mild this past week as well.

Not much more to say right now so I'll just say stay strong everyone. Have a great week.

 

[guitar1968]

So, I was doing well for a week but yesterday later in the day I went to one of the sites that gets me going. I started down the path. I didn't finish and felt angry that I started. Ugh. It never gets easier. So, today starts another 7 day goal. Let's see where I am next Wednesday.

Off we go....

 

[Phineas 808]

So, I was doing well for a week but yesterday later in the day I went to one of the sites that gets me going. I started down the path. I didn't finish and felt angry that I started. Ugh. It never gets easier. So, today starts another 7 day goal. Let's see where I am next Wednesday.

Off we go....

Good job on disrupting it, not completing it. Onwards and upwards, Guitar! You got this, brother!

 

[JerryTX]

Guitar glad to see you back on here. This journey is a tough one and I haven't been without struggles in 2022. We both have come a long way and what's important is your diligence and persistence to battle this addiction. In the past year we both have learned a lot and one of the things I read was porn addiction usually is over a year process to fully beat. That can be demoralizing when you think about it but it does give me a sense of reality. I want to be completely done with P! I choose to fight and I know I will win! Stay strong and glad to see you on here!

 

[guitar1968]

Back for a quick check-in. Things aren't great. I'm still giving in way too much. It might be once or twice a week at this point. Sometimes I make it two weeks. So, way less than in the past, far more than I would like. I would like to just forget about it altogether. That hasn't happened yet. I think it's always good to check back in here and try to stay focused. I have a lot to keep me busy over the weekend and that will be helpful to keep me away from the computer and all that lies within.

Have a great and successful weekend everyone.

 

[TryingHarder]

I'm still giving in way too much.

Keep trying, Guitar! Relapses happen, and we just have to do our best to be stronger. But as a psychologist once told me, every time we relapse, we have to start the reboot clock over again. One step forwards, two steps backwards. It's not easy, but I always think about that. Stay busy with other things, do whatever you can to disrupt your regular habits and routines that lead you back to porn.

 

[guitar1968]

I'm here today after having a PMO session yesterday that just left me feeling awful. There was very little pleasure in it and I truly felt like I did not want to continue. I'm very off again on again right now and I hate this feeling. I'm stuck somewhere between where I was PMO every day to maybe once or twice a week. I just need to be done with all of this.

So, I'm here again today. I will keep trying to get past it and to start getting some decent streaks going again. I need to not be constantly thinking about sex and porn.

That's all for today. Good luck to you all.

 

[Phineas 808]

You can do it, Guitar! I remember when you first joined RN back in June of 2021, and the focus and tenacity that you had.

Put your foot down. Draw a line in the sand. Begin to make your sanity, your health, your freedom from controlling behaviors your number 1 priority again.

You deserve this, Guitar! You deserve to be free, to look yourself in the mirror and see a man in control of himself looking back.

 

[JerryTX]

100% agree with Phineas! I have had some setbacks this year and so far I am back on track! Remember what got you (and I) to and through those long streaks of last year! We can and will do it again!

 

[TryingHarder]

Things aren't great. I'm still giving in way too much. It might be once or twice a week at this point.

Been there, done that. Time to restart the clock and start over again. Remember the displeasure you felt as yet another deterrent not to slip back into addiction again. You can do this!

 

[particularly_respecting]

Guitar, I am a little younger than you (mid-thirties) but I went through your journal and I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the struggle being self-employed and working from home
I hope you find the strength to "draw a line in the sand" like Phineas said and make this positive change - you will thank yourself later
Stay strong!

 

[guitar1968]

Thank you all for the support! It is much needed. So far, so good since my Tuesday post. Of course, it's only Thursday. But I'm hanging in there. I'm back here and I'm feeling good about things. The weekend is almost here and that is usually a good time for me. I'm not at my computer all day and I try to keep busy with other things. I just need to get a multi-week streak going and hopefully let some of the nerves settle down.

Here's what keeps happening...

I get finished with a project, a phone call, a zoom meeting, etc. and my instinct is to open my private browser to take a porn break. These haven't always led to masturbation, but it's like a reward for getting something done. In the past few weeks when I've resisted the urge to not look I seem to have almost a physical reaction to it. A nervousness in my arms and chest, a jittery feeling in my body, maybe even a little depression. I've never been a drug addict or alcoholic. I've done them both, enjoyed them, but never felt the need for them. I could go weeks without a beer and never think twice about it. But I imagine what I'm feeling is a bit what a drug addict or alcoholic would feel. Last year during my long streak that went away. I didn't feel that draw every moment of the day. That's what I'm seeking. A calmness in my mind and body. I just had a terrible case of it and decided to come here instead.

Here's what my plan is to try and beat this back a bit.

1. Pick up the guitar instead of opening a browser. It helped a lot last year.
2. Meditate. Even just for 5 minutes. Try to calm the body.
3. Stretch or do some short yoga moves. I could use that anyway. I tend to workout in the evenings after eating. Just doing a little bit mid-day would probably be great.

That's the plan for the moment. Let's see if I can come back to you all on Monday and say I had a good weekend. The wife and daughter will be out both on Friday and Saturday night, but again, I can usually control on the weekends much better.

Keep strong one and all and again, thank you all for you kind words.