My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks to everyone who has commented and supported me. It really helps.

The weekend went by with no problems at all. Very easy in fact. I'm feeling very good about where I'm at. 40 days today I believe and all good. So, no porn in 40 days. Hard to believe really. One MO during that time as basically an experiment that let me know it's better to stick with hard mode for at least the next 50 days. I'll see where I'm at around 90 days and then I'll determine if I want to stick with no orgasms at all or if I can go back to occasionally taking care of myself. I wonder if it would start me on a path back to porn and I certainly don't want that. I probably should just stay away altogether and try to get my sex life worked out with my wife. That is a tricky subject. I haven't shared my struggle with porn with her, but she is aware of my use. I pretty much ruined our sex life by constantly pushing her to have sex when she didn't want to and pressuring her to be more experimental. All probably based on my life of a porn addict. And of course, then PIED set in and that made everything so much worse. What a mess I've created. I don't know if I can salvage my sex life with my wife or if it will end with us going our own ways. However, I am putting that on the back burner until I can let my mind and body heal more. I still have a long way to go.

Thanks again for your help and comments.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar, congrats on the big 40! Re the road to your physical recovery, I think you're on the track to just let that one sit on the back burner. The body and mind have an amazing way of repairing itself ... just give it time. Well done again for your 40 days.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks for the encouragement Nick.

Today is going great, as did yesterday. My wife and daughter were gone all night and I had no desire to go back to my old ways. I used to watch the car head up the street and then I would head to my computer for hours of alone time. No more. The only thought I had was that I'm glad I have no desire to do it. I hope that desire grows stronger over time. I don't want to get sucked back in.

So besides that, full steam ahead. All good.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Congrats, guitar, on 40 days!

For the marriage, it may be a matter of working it out in communication about how you guys can go forward sexually. Maybe save this for when you're more 'able' to have sex (?).

I don't know if porn has to be a part of the conversation, but certainly admitting as to the pushiness, and the uncomfortable situations pushed on her in the past... Work it out to where you're 'serving' her in sex, and then when she is pleased, you 'get yours'. Of course without anything she's uncomfortable with...

It's kind of humbling as men, but serving our wife sexually creates that atmosphere of harmony.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Humbling to serve her? The opposite is true. Giving her pleasure is the manliest thing I can do. As I heal, the pleasure I giver her increases and so does mine!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks JJacks and Phineas for your responses.

Phineas you nailed what I was thinking. Right now when everything is still just starting to get to a better state of mind and body with myself is not the right time to attempt sex. I've had problems for far too long and I don't really even want to approach it until I'm feeling like I'm on the mend at least a little. I think I will apologies for all that I have put on her. That has to happen. I also will tell her that I no longer use porn. As I've stated before, she knows that I watch, I've made it clear in the past that is my right to watch it if I want and that I'm an adult and of course, this was also not a great thing for me to do and something else to apologize for. I've had a lot of anger when it comes to our sex life. It was great years ago. But, I kept pushing for more, making her more and more uncomfortable and then I would get angry that she wouldn't do what I want and that we didn't have sex enough, etc. I really made a shit show out of it. And, I turned more and more to porn. If she wouldn't have sex with me, I had the right to take care of myself. But boy did it go off the rails.

So now I have to heal myself and then try and heal our marriage. Let's face it. Not all marriages can be saved. We have a lot of history, a lot of it not great. We have a daughter and we love her and both want to be with her all the time. When she leaves for college in a few years will really be the test for us. But for now, I have to work on me to be better for them both. I want to try to be better to them right now as I'm dealing with this on my own.

I have to say though that I have really been in a bad mood for a couple of days. Feeling very blah and my body is feeling worn out and tired. No desire to look at porn and that is great, but I feel like doing nothing. I have to push through this weird downturn in my mood. Could this be part of my recovery? Maybe. Sounds like a lot of people have trouble with mood when they can't have their porn fix. I really didn't have much of it the first 30 days or so, but now it has set in. Hopefully it passes soon.

Sorry for the long post. Good to get it out here even if no one ever reads it!!!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Humbling to serve her? The opposite is true. Giving her pleasure is the manliest thing I can do. As I heal, the pleasure I giver her increases and so does mine!

Of course, 'humbling' being a matter of perspective. It's of course an honor and the epitome of manliness to serve and please the opposite sex, especially our wife.

Same. When she's pleased, I get more pleasure!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
But for now, I have to work on me to be better for them both. I want to try to be better to them right now as I'm dealing with this on my own.

We're avid readers of your journal, guitar! ;)

Yes, exactly. Healing for yourself first, and they'll reap the benefits as well.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Thanks JJacks and Phineas for your responses.

Phineas you nailed what I was thinking. Right now when everything is still just starting to get to a better state of mind and body with myself is not the right time to attempt sex. I've had problems for far too long and I don't really even want to approach it until I'm feeling like I'm on the mend at least a little. I think I will apologies for all that I have put on her. That has to happen. I also will tell her that I no longer use porn. As I've stated before, she knows that I watch, I've made it clear in the past that is my right to watch it if I want and that I'm an adult and of course, this was also not a great thing for me to do and something else to apologize for. I've had a lot of anger when it comes to our sex life. It was great years ago. But, I kept pushing for more, making her more and more uncomfortable and then I would get angry that she wouldn't do what I want and that we didn't have sex enough, etc. I really made a shit show out of it. And, I turned more and more to porn. If she wouldn't have sex with me, I had the right to take care of myself. But boy did it go off the rails.

So now I have to heal myself and then try and heal our marriage. Let's face it. Not all marriages can be saved. We have a lot of history, a lot of it not great. We have a daughter and we love her and both want to be with her all the time. When she leaves for college in a few years will really be the test for us. But for now, I have to work on me to be better for them both. I want to try to be better to them right now as I'm dealing with this on my own.

I have to say though that I have really been in a bad mood for a couple of days. Feeling very blah and my body is feeling worn out and tired. No desire to look at porn and that is great, but I feel like doing nothing. I have to push through this weird downturn in my mood. Could this be part of my recovery? Maybe. Sounds like a lot of people have trouble with mood when they can't have their porn fix. I really didn't have much of it the first 30 days or so, but now it has set in. Hopefully it passes soon.

Sorry for the long post. Good to get it out here even if no one ever reads it!!!
Wow Guitar lot's of similarities. The first paragraph is something I could have written.. WOW! Marriage is never easy but as it seems we both are realizing bring PORN into it doesn't help. Had a big fight with the wife this weekend and it stems from the pushing you mentioned above for sex and me convincing myself that I deserved the porn and it was her fault that drove me to it.. Like you said off the freaking rails!!! Mood swings have been apart of my 43 day journey but exercise and my faith have helped. Find your release. I am trying to be more caring and as you can see in my latest post had a failed attempt at sex over the weekend. Anyway praying for you and keep it up as it seems my moods are more aggressive if I have time to "think" myself into that mood. Plus I am trying to avoid alcohol as that caused major mood swings and big fight this weekend with the wife. Lessons being learned!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
This will be quick today. I'm spending a lot of time here reading and responding to everyone else.

Things are good. My mood is better and no urges to look at porn. Had decent morning wood this morning and that always feels good.

I'll do a longer post soon. Right now reading and responding to everyone else is really helping!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Wow Guitar lot's of similarities. The first paragraph is something I could have written.. WOW! Marriage is never easy but as it seems we both are realizing bring PORN into it doesn't help. Had a big fight with the wife this weekend and it stems from the pushing you mentioned above for sex and me convincing myself that I deserved the porn and it was her fault that drove me to it.. Like you said off the freaking rails!!! Mood swings have been apart of my 43 day journey but exercise and my faith have helped. Find your release. I am trying to be more caring and as you can see in my latest post had a failed attempt at sex over the weekend. Anyway praying for you and keep it up as it seems my moods are more aggressive if I have time to "think" myself into that mood. Plus I am trying to avoid alcohol as that caused major mood swings and big fight this weekend with the wife. Lessons being learned!
Great reply Jerry. I think we all have a lot of these same issues. It's great to write about them and it really helps me deal with the issues that I've brought about in my marriage. I can't take them back. But hopefully I can make up for them. I hope you can as well. Stay strong!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Another good week coming to a close. I have really had no problems with wanting to look at porn. I've been aroused some mornings and that feels good, but I also have no desire to MO at this moment either. I'm sure that will come and go. I do find myself at times slipping into daydreams about sex, usually based on past porn surfing. Not nearly as much as I used to, but I do feel myself starting to get turned on and then I work to focus on other thoughts. But again, this has been rare so it's not something I'm really struggling with.

Just feeling good in general. 43 days strong. I think hitting 90 days will be fairly easy. My goal is 6 months with no orgasms. As I mentioned previously at 30 days I did MO. I was testing the getting aroused without porn and without fantasy of porn. I was successful, but it was a bit more of a struggle than it should have been and made me realize that hardmode was the way to go. At least for 6 months and then I'll reevaluate.

Stay strong friends. I'm feeling so much better now that I'm not wasting my life on porn.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
I do find myself at times slipping into daydreams about sex, usually based on past porn surfing. Not nearly as much as I used to, but I do feel myself starting to get turned on and then I work to focus on other thoughts.

I've found myself doing this periodically, and I'm like, "Why is it that I'm fantasizing now? Am I habitually trying to take care of some stress or deeper emotion?"

The good thing here is that you're mindful about it. When we're mindless, we simply slip into old habitual patterns of behavior, but you're aware, and thus deal with it. That's good.

Keep up the good work, guitar! (maybe one day I'll get to hear your music ;) )
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Keep up the good work, guitar! (maybe one day I'll get to hear your music ;) )
Well, my music is out there on every streaming service and youtube and beyond, however, that would blow the anonymity situation and I'm not there yet! Maybe some day. But I need much more time before I'm ready to come out of the closet so to speak.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar ... very glad to hear you were able to pull out of your recent funk and finish the week strong. I must admit, although my "blah moods" are less often these days, I still get them (this last week I was feeling fairly flat, listless, kind of wiped ... with not much motivation to do much). I am finding just accepting it for what it is and just riding it out with no stress or self-imposed anxiousness helps. It is still night and day better than the old days of being a slave.

Keep doing great Guitarman!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Hi All, I took the long weekend off and didn't post or reply to anyone but I'm back now!

So, overall great weekend. I didn't have any urges to look at porn. Now, I did sleep in all three days of the holiday weekend and when I was in those early morning, half asleep, half awake kind of situations I had very porny dreams. I also had a decent amount of morning wood along with them. I'm happy to have the erections, but it is very easy to slip back into the porn fantasies and I don't want that to lead me back to actual porn itself. Luckily that didn't happen and I really didn't feel like looking at porn at all. I am however getting a bit of an itch to have an orgasm. Again, I didn't and want to really stick to my guns here and see if I can make six months.

So for now, all is well. 47 Days with no porn and very pleased to have gotten this far. I have to say it has been easier than I thought it would be, but I have quit for a while before and it's just as easy to slip back in. That last time I made it about this far, I was tracking, but not journaling. I have found coming here most days, reading what everyone else is going through and emptying my soul out on the table to be very helpful. I know this is all anonymous, but it still feels like I've finally told someone. I've actually admitted to my problem. I'm not alone. I'm not bad because I'm addicted. This is very easy to get addicted to.

Stay strong one and all. We all have the ability to quit and be the people we want to be.
 

CoolBreeze

Active Member
Hi All, I took the long weekend off and didn't post or reply to anyone but I'm back now!

So, overall great weekend. I didn't have any urges to look at porn. Now, I did sleep in all three days of the holiday weekend and when I was in those early morning, half asleep, half awake kind of situations I had very porny dreams. I also had a decent amount of morning wood along with them. I'm happy to have the erections, but it is very easy to slip back into the porn fantasies and I don't want that to lead me back to actual porn itself. Luckily that didn't happen and I really didn't feel like looking at porn at all. I am however getting a bit of an itch to have an orgasm. Again, I didn't and want to really stick to my guns here and see if I can make six months.

So for now, all is well. 47 Days with no porn and very pleased to have gotten this far. I have to say it has been easier than I thought it would be, but I have quit for a while before and it's just as easy to slip back in. That last time I made it about this far, I was tracking, but not journaling. I have found coming here most days, reading what everyone else is going through and emptying my soul out on the table to be very helpful. I know this is all anonymous, but it still feels like I've finally told someone. I've actually admitted to my problem. I'm not alone. I'm not bad because I'm addicted. This is very easy to get addicted to.

Stay strong one and all. We all have the ability to quit and be the people we want to be.
Big Congrats on 47 days Porn Free.
 

Joel

Active Member
So for now, all is well. 47 Days with no porn and very pleased to have gotten this far. I have to say it has been easier than I thought it would be, but I have quit for a while before and it's just as easy to slip back in. That last time I made it about this far, I was tracking, but not journaling. I have found coming here most days, reading what everyone else is going through and emptying my soul out on the table to be very helpful. I know this is all anonymous, but it still feels like I've finally told someone. I've actually admitted to my problem. I'm not alone. I'm not bad because I'm addicted. This is very easy to get addicted to.
Great stuff, Guitar. That all sounds really positive.
 
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