9 days no porn, 10 days no alcohol
There is a switch: This minute I feel more determined than ever to quit porn, the next minute I feel like I want the pleasure so bad and that the urges are signalling an awesome edging session. If I wait long enough, I might find something to send me back to the decision to quit. 1 hour later I want the pleasure so bad again.
You know, I feel like all this comes down to one word for me: Suffering. Actually three: Accepting the suffering. What do I mean by that? Urges, craving and the mental things the withdrawal gives me are suffering. It's suffering to experience urges but not act on them (forcefully denying myself the pleasure), it's suffering to experience the mental issues. There is a loop: The suffering (urges, craving, mental issues etc.), I relapse, they go away for a while, I feel "normal" (the normal I know), then the suffering again, the relapse again and the wheel keeps spinning. I'm walking in a circle, re-living the same fuckin thing. What's the name of that movie where the guy lives the same day? I live the same phase and I don't get bored of it. I don't get tired of it. I actually don't even see it. I mean, now I see it, but usually I don't.
All this is a mental game for me that when I lose it, I relapse and struggle to get back to it.
If the streak gets longer, I become "the most sexually frustrated man in the world." Noah Church has a funny (and very real) video with that title. I guess the sexual frustration comes from the fact that this is in our DNA, we are programmed to seek sex for reproduction, our genes' no. 1 job. But this society is too sexualized nowadays, everywhere you look you are reminded of sex, indirectly, through provocative images, be it pictures, advertisement or how people dress on the streets. Once I turn on the Internet, I'm at risk, once I go out the street I'm at risk, what's a guy supposed to do? Run somewhere in the woods and live like "The last of the Mohicans"? But I guess I would jerk off to flashbacks there anyway, get scared and run back to the "Concrete Jungle" because porn addiction makes you fearful.
The only way out of the loop is through "The Suffering".
Big Up!