hehe. I am going to stick to sci-fi for now, they are fun to watch and give me something to amaze over.
Return to reality
- Thread starter vidvan13
- Start date
Today was a tough day for me. Found no interest in work and kept getting distracted. Thoughts came and went and I let them be. Tried reading a book which kept my interest. Letting the day pass.
- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? being alone
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? evaluated the thoughts
- What am I grateful for today? holding on
- Day counter! DAY 36
SexualHealing
Active Member
That's a big, capital "NO" you wrote there for not using porn today! You're on fire
and you know it! Tomorrow is a new day my friend. May it be filled with tiny surprises 
☺Thanks for the encouragement my friend. That capital NO was a sub-conscious choice when I started this journey, but guess you gave it a meaning today. What does amuse me in your comments is your dexterity at using these cute smileys. I have tried and it is not my cup of tea, to find an appropriate one and keep clicking.That's a big, capital "NO" you wrote there for not using porn today! You're on fire
More power and joy you to. To a good day!For the first time in a very long stretch I found some pleasure while taking a shower. I felt the water on my skin like I have not felt before. I was pleasantly surprised.
- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? none
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- What am I grateful for today? listening to a great lecture by Karl Deisseroth.
- Day counter! DAY 37
I enjoyed the good weather today. It is great to enjoy fresh air. Gym was great today too. But I feel inhibited in approaching people. I will say a "hi" next time to people I see often. I saw my neighbor today from my window. I have seen her before too on her balcony. She was sitting lonely and looked sad. I wish I could tell her that I understand what she feels, if she feels that, but it is too far away to shout out. Love to everybody out there who thinks they are alone, you are not.
- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? none
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- What am I grateful for today? hanging on
- Day counter! DAY 39
SexualHealing
Active Member
Have fun this weekend and Happy 40!! Here's your cake
and steak 
!! I think you'll do great approaching people and saying hiiii. Something really funny happened recently...I'm naturally an extrovert and I've approached people and started conversations in so many different ways but this one here has been my favorite.. I was grocery shopping when I heard one of the employees had a severe case of the hiccups.. it was loud, it was funny to me, it had like a burping noise to it too
so for some reason he was wondering around the aisles I was. I've heard that you can stop someones hiccup by scaring them so I was like; this is my opportunity!! What's the worst that can happen, right?? So I thought, I'm going to find him by following his hiccups and then jump right in front of him and say... BOOOOO! I must admit, I did chuckle as I was masterminding this. So I did exactly what I planned.. he was coming around my aisle..I jumped in front of him and said BOOOOOO!! He jumped back and gasped. So I start laughing and I asked him if he still had the hiccups... He's like noo shit, the hiccups went away. So then we both started laughing 
and he's like, this is awesome, thank you; I've been trying to get rid of this for hours.. so then he just walked away all happy about it lol.Lesson of the day, some people will be open to connecting and others won't be, but it's worth a shot
That's a great story! Just shows how much love and joy you have in your heart. Thank you for sharing it.Have fun this weekend and Happy 40!! Here's your cake
I think you'll do great approaching people and saying hiiii. Something really funny happened recently...I'm naturally an extrovert and I've approached people and started conversations in so many different ways but this one here has been my favorite.. I was grocery shopping when I heard one of the employees had a severe case of the hiccups.. it was loud, it was funny to me, it had like a burping noise to it too
Lesson of the day, some people will be open to connecting and others won't be, but it's worth a shot
This weekend was great. I met my friend and explored the work she has been doing. She is tremendously creative. The new week starts and I feel very energized putting some more plan into action.
- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? none
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- What am I grateful for today? spending the week with my friend
- Day counter! DAY 40-41
I am starting to understand a very critical thing about recovery - the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, rather it is choice. This makes me think that, ideally, the day counter would run for ever, and eventually the real count losing much of its value. What is really important is the presence of my self, my inner genuine self, while I am making my choices - in those moment of temptations triggered by cues. What really matter at the moment of my choice is my intent and my desire to be my real self. The cue ultimately, is a habit element which needs to be replaced. It should lose its value as a cue eventually and become a symbol of the gone past, igniting new behaviors both in thought and physicality that connect me to my authentic self. I am glad that I chose my resistance wrist band as something I used for my pixel pleasures. Earlier it reminded me of my escape, but I have put in a habit to use it as a feedback when my thought process starts to go on the 'slippery slope'. Now I see it as an instrument of empowerment. I also, don't see myself using it forever. The more you stay away from your escape using your choice and not force, the more power you get over it - the positive feedback loop becomes more stronger. But I have to constantly remind myself that this is a journey and I need to be always vigilant, making it a habit, something I intend to cultivate as I travel this path.
I wanted to note in my journal that I had a wet dream this weekend. It is the 3rd time during my reboot. I don't remember who was in my dreams but the acts I remember. MWs are quite regular, but I do feel a lack of desire sometimes. No expectations here, simple observations with gratitude. I can't say I don't feel a desire to P at all, sometimes I do see my cues pushing me, but it has not been strong enough to counter my choice. I also notice that my constant reminder to my self of checking my intent has helped me tremendously to avoid all the pre-buildup habits. However I still find a certain 'type' of females attractive. I will evaluate and observe this in me more intently in the coming days. Finally, the support of this community and its members has been irreplaceable. @SexualHealing has been a source of inspiration and constant validation to me in my journey. I thank her for her love, care and good wishes she has shared with me, while valiantly fighting her battle. There are days when I feel lazy to report to my journal but I come back, because I know there will be at least one pair of eyes looking forward to it. Thank you my anonymous friend. Your support means a lot to me. To a good day and a week!
I wanted to note in my journal that I had a wet dream this weekend. It is the 3rd time during my reboot. I don't remember who was in my dreams but the acts I remember. MWs are quite regular, but I do feel a lack of desire sometimes. No expectations here, simple observations with gratitude. I can't say I don't feel a desire to P at all, sometimes I do see my cues pushing me, but it has not been strong enough to counter my choice. I also notice that my constant reminder to my self of checking my intent has helped me tremendously to avoid all the pre-buildup habits. However I still find a certain 'type' of females attractive. I will evaluate and observe this in me more intently in the coming days. Finally, the support of this community and its members has been irreplaceable. @SexualHealing has been a source of inspiration and constant validation to me in my journey. I thank her for her love, care and good wishes she has shared with me, while valiantly fighting her battle. There are days when I feel lazy to report to my journal but I come back, because I know there will be at least one pair of eyes looking forward to it. Thank you my anonymous friend. Your support means a lot to me. To a good day and a week!
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My musings and understanding of the wonderful book 'daring greatly' by Brene Brown has started. Here is the first installment: https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/4613.html
As I think more about this journey the more gratitude I feel for all the people and events while ultimately pushed me into confronting my habit. Some of them rejected me leaving me hurt, and some stood with me and showed kindness - thanks to all of them for paving the way to find my authentic self. The exploration continues.
- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? none
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- What am I grateful for today? beautiful squat form
- Day counter! DAY 43
SexualHealing
Active Member
What a beautiful and insightful post - thank you, I really appreciate it! I absolutely appreciate you! I'm grateful we've been able to connect here; we've been able to laugh, support, and encourage each other as well as be vulnerable and learn from each other's experiences. It feels good to share my pain with others, be compassionate with your pain, and know that we're not alone on this.
You covered several points here that I can relate too. For example, the statement you made about growing out of the early habits/choices we make to keep us away from our escapes. This week I've thinking about my experience meditating. For a good 6 months back in 2009, I would say it was the happiest six months of my life, I was sooooooo into meditation because it will take me to very deep and profound states of self awareness, consciousness and complete connection with the universe and the world. Let me tell you how obsess I was with it.. I would wake up at 4am to meditate for a good hour.. fully immerse with no thoughts, judgements or the constant crap of thoughts that go through my head. While I was in college, I would head to my car to meditate for another hour during long breaks, i had an evening job so after my classes were over and before work, I'd head to my job's parking lot an hour early to meditate lol and finally before bed, yeap, guess what I was up too? You got it! Also, I would do everything from this state of mind. I would eat, think, breath, feel - mindfully. I fully lived in the present moment. For the very first time in my existence I felt, I believed that I was complete. For the first time P, M, people, places or things were not my priority. Six months later I went through a tramatic sexual experience and I have not been able to get myself to that state of being. These last 12 years I've been forcing, trying to get myself to something that once made me feel complete. So this last week, I decided to change my perspective to one that is close to what you're suggesting. That as we go through this journey of life, we must be vigilant about our specific escape and continue to make choices and habits that support us not deter us. My goal is to incorporate new habits and make new choices thag support this area of my life. Meditation was one of them, now I'm at a different stage in my life, time to incorporate new things.
And yea, the tracker is not a forever habit at some point.
Have a wondeful night
Thanks for sharing your thoughts @SexualHealing. Your episodes with meditation seem to have been very deep and sounds like something you really enjoyed and got meaning out of. I have found meditation useful, but never to the extent you described. I, probably, should spend more time into it. Trauma in our lives is almost never our fault and it was not yours, in your case. But you now have the power to see it for what it was and extend your power over your current response and how you are going to allow it to affect you. I look forward to this journey with you. Remember, I am going to follow you in your foot steps, one day behind - you are my guide.What a beautiful and insightful post - thank you, I really appreciate it! I absolutely appreciate you! I'm grateful we've been able to connect here; we've been able to laugh, support, and encourage each other as well as be vulnerable and learn from each other's experiences. It feels good to share my pain with others, be compassionate with your pain, and know that we're not alone on this.
You covered several points here that I can relate too. For example, the statement you made about growing out of the early habits/choices we make to keep us away from our escapes. This week I've thinking about my experience meditating. For a good 6 months back in 2009, I would say it was the happiest six months of my life, I was sooooooo into meditation because it will take me to very deep and profound states of self awareness, consciousness and complete connection with the universe and the world. Let me tell you how obsess I was with it.. I would wake up at 4am to meditate for a good hour.. fully immerse with no thoughts, judgements or the constant crap of thoughts that go through my head. While I was in college, I would head to my car to meditate for another hour during long breaks, i had an evening job so after my classes were over and before work, I'd head to my job's parking lot an hour early to meditate lol and finally before bed, yeap, guess what I was up too? You got it! Also, I would do everything from this state of mind. I would eat, think, breath, feel - mindfully. I fully lived in the present moment. For the very first time in my existence I felt, I believed that I was complete. For the first time P, M, people, places or things were not my priority. Six months later I went through a tramatic sexual experience and I have not been able to get myself to that state of being. These last 12 years I've been forcing, trying to get myself to something that once made me feel complete. So this last week, I decided to change my perspective to one that is close to what you're suggesting. That as we go through this journey of life, we must be vigilant about our specific escape and continue to make choices and habits that support us not deter us. My goal is to incorporate new habits and make new choices thag support this area of my life. Meditation was one of them, now I'm at a different stage in my life, time to incorporate new things.
And yea, the tracker is not a forever habit at some point.
Have a wondeful night
No pressure though : P- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? none
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- What am I grateful for today? the anticipation of an opportunity I was waiting for (more on it later, if it comes to fruition)
- Day counter! DAY 44
SexualHealing
Active Member
SexualHealing
Active Member
To perfectly follow in my footsteps, you must haveThanks for sharing your thoughts @SexualHealing. Your episodes with meditation seem to have been very deep and sounds like something you really enjoyed and got meaning out of. I have found meditation useful, but never to the extent you described. I, probably, should spend more time into it. Trauma in our lives is almost never our fault and it was not yours, in your case. But you now have the power to see it for what it was and extend your power over your current response and how you are going to allow it to affect you. I look forward to this journey with you. Remember, I am going to follow you in your foot steps, one day behind - you are my guide.
after every 30 day milestone. Many people stop following me because they are not consistent with their watermelon eating. Just a heads up.