Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

3 weeks clean. Day 21 clean.

Monday today. I feel bad. My mood is low. I feel ennui.

I got to the gym this morning and had a good session but then when I came back home ended up on social media for far too long. It's not really the social media which is the problem though. I just don't want to deal with the day and the low mood.

Well, all that can get fucked. We're grabbing the day by the balls now and feeling everything as it is fully engaged. Fuck porn. Fuck social media. They can get fucked.

I feel better already just writing this.

Yesterday my porn addicted brain activated a bit more than it should have. I felt it looking for any stimulation wherever it could find it.

The stakes are higher than they've ever been. Only one fuck up away from relapse. I also had sexual dreams last night and woke up horny. It took a lot of will power not to jerk-off as soon as I woke up.

Monday is a tough day for me apparently. After being at home all weekend I lose enthusiasm.

We're here again this morning to commit to a porn-free day. It doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't matter what's going on in the day, all of that will pass and the only thing which will be left behind is whether or not I looked at porn. The goal for today is to not look at porn and to keep starving out the addicted brain. Anything less is a clear failure by clearly defined criteria.

Win the day. That's all I have to do.

Fuck porn.. FUCKKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF GET FUCKED.

See you tomorrow morning to keep me accountable.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck I want to get over this addiction so bad. Get the fuck out of my life.

 

[cookiemonster]

I just read back through my previous reboot journal entries. Last year I had two 10 week streaks at the start of the year and multiple 2-3 weeks streaks intermittently throughout the year.

All I have to do is not look at porn and my life will become so much better. I hate porn.

That's not something I do anymore, that's not who I am anymore.

It feels like I want to touch my dick all the time, although that's not true, most of my day I'm busy doing other stuff.

The problem with me is as soon as I touch my dick it ends up turning into masturbating which then opens the flood gates to porn slowly but surely. In previous reboots it appears that around the 3-4 week mark I couldn't help but erection test. Am I doomed to repeat this? I'm terrified I'm going to fail this reboot. Not because it's actually something scary but because I've become fully aware of how much I want to beat this porn addiction and how many great things await me if I achieve this (and how a stunted life awaits me if I don't).

It's so hard. Some days it just feels so hard.

I don't think I can go back to porn. I mean, I can, because it would be so easy to do so. But, it's so empty. You don't even feel good afterwards. Relapse would be devastating. Winning each day is hard.

I'm tired. Got to get up early tomorrow. Don't touch the dick, especially when waking up, just get some sleep; that's the plan.

See you tomorrow morning.

Fuck porn. Too much to gain.

 

[Trisquel]

Hey man, you have some good reflections on your posts, those are very valuable.
I love your attitude, how you commit every day and set very clear goals, fighting one day at a time. Is inspiring, and I think I will start doing something similar in my journey.

Good luck, is not easy, but as you said, in the end we are going to be super grateful we didn't let porn come in. One day at a time.

Fuck Porn!

 

[cookiemonster]

Hey man, you have some good reflections on your posts, those are very valuable.
I love your attitude, how you commit every day and set very clear goals, fighting one day at a time. Is inspiring, and I think I will start doing something similar in my journey.

Good luck, is not easy, but as you said, in the end we are going to be super grateful we didn't let porn come in. One day at a time.

Fuck Porn!

One day at a time. Fuck porn!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 22 clean.

Feeling great today. Killer gym session. Going into uni now.

I am committing here this morning again to a porn-free day. Looking at any porn or porn substitutes or knowingly activating the porn pathways is a failure to achieve what I've committed to. Let there be no doubt.

The goal for today is a porn free day.

Fuck porn. It can go and fuck itself.

See you tomorrow for an update, keep me accountable guys!

 

[Blondie]

Fuck porn!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 23 clean.

I'm very tired today. Took a lot of will-power to not touch my dick while half-asleep this morning. Recently it feels like just seeing a woman is a potential trigger, my porn brain is that deprived of stimulation that it will happily trigger on almost anything.

The goal for today is a porn-free day. I am committing to that goal right here, right now. No porn, porn substitutes or intentionally activating porn-pathways in my brain.

Today has the potential to be a tough day because my energy is low but all we have to do is beat the addiction today and get to bed early tonight.

Fuck porn. It's honestly the worst. It sucks to have ended up addicted to it and in a position where it's actually hard to not watch it. I'm fighting two things at the moment: 1) not looking at porn, 2) not MOing and thus being horny.

Unfortunately MO seems to open the flood gates to porn for me so I'm fighting that too every day.

On the upside, no MO makes me quite motivated to pursue real girls.

See you tomorrow morning so that I am held accountable. No porn today is the goal. No porn. Porn can go fuck itself.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 24 clean.

Had to wake up early this morning and I was sleepy-grumpy. If I'm fatigued it's a perfect recipe for relapse disaster. When I got the chance I went back to sleep for an hour or two instead of going to the gym and I feel good again now that I've dealt with my sleep debt.

I'm very sensitive to triggers at the moment. I was on reddit and getting a bit aroused by literal text I stumbled across. The trick is to not lie to yourself and recognize when something is tickling the old porn pathway, then to stop doing that so you can starve the porn pathways.

The stakes are very high today. Today could have been and still is easily a day when I could relapse. My job is to make sure that doesn't happen. Here I am committing again to a porn-free day. No porn, no porn substitutes, nothing which triggers the porn pathways. Seeking or willingly engaging with any of that content is to fail to follow through on my commitment.

My life is getting good again without porn in it and I want to keep it that way. It's hard to keep fighting every day but it's so worth it.

Don't touch my dick except peeing and showering and stay away from anything porn related.

Fuck porn. Fuck it. I don't want it in my life. It's not something I do anymore and it's certainly not who I am anymore, I've just got to keep my actions aligning with this.

See you tomorrow morning, keep me accountable! COME ONNN! FUCK PORNNNNNNNNNNNN.

 

[cookiemonster]

Pretty off day but no porn. Didn't do very well with social media and staying focussed today. This kind of behaviour multiple days in a row erodes will power and is a recipe for disaster. Time to go to sleep, don't do anything stupid, no touching of dick. We will wake up tomorrow and reset.

Fuck porn.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Pretty off day but no porn. Didn't do very well with social media and staying focussed today. This kind of behaviour multiple days in a row erodes will power and is a recipe for disaster. Time to go to sleep, don't do anything stupid, no touching of dick. We will wake up tomorrow and reset.

Fuck porn.

Maybe you could use a tracking app for your bad habits, I have one that measures a lot of statistics and helps me stay motivated to get better.

 

[cookiemonster]

Maybe you could use a tracking app for your bad habits, I have one that measures a lot of statistics and helps me stay motivated to get better.

I had an app blocker for a while. Now I've literally deleted all social media from my phone except YouTube. The problem is, that means that it's YouTube I spend too much time on. I get a lot of benefits from having YouTube on my phone though, I don't really get any from other social media apps.

I could consider deleting YouTube or pre-downloading videos. I watch a lot of constructive and educational content on YouTube.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 25 clean. Fuck porn.

Good gym session this morning. Going in to uni today. I've got a uni club activity I will attend in the evening and then a party I'll go to.

Being at a party and then coming home late, tired and with alcohol in the system could be a little problematic. I'll make a point of not drinking much.

I am committed to a porn-free day and here is me announcing that this morning. The goal is another day with no porn, no porn-substitutes or porn-pathway-activating activities. Fuck porn. Feeling great keeping it out of my life day by day.

I keep saying "fuck porn" and it's starting to become a platitude. I want to keep the fire in it, so maybe we'll change it up.

Porn is a fucking asshole.

See you tomorrow morning to keep me accountable. In fact, I'll try to remember to log on this evening with an update to keep me accountable. I cannot afford to lose this streak because of a slip up tonight.

 

[cookiemonster]

Fuck porn. Also, I want a girlfriend.

Goodnight.

 

[Androg]

Fuck porn. Also, I want a girlfriend.

Goodnight.

I hope you attract one.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 26 clean.

I am committing to a porn-free day again and announcing it to all of you guys to keep me accountable.

Things are going well. My body is undergoing a transformation from all the gym I've been doing and without the poison that porn is, my life is getting better.

That being said, relapse is always so close. All it takes is one fuck up.

Well, we're going to have an easy day because it's the weekend. We'll do a bit of uni work and such but we won't try to be hyper productive.

One day at a time. All I have to do today is steer clear of porn. No porn, no seeking, no porn substitutes, no behaviour which will feed the craving porn pathways.

I'm quite tired today which is always a potential danger. We will take it easy. The commitment has been made, any touching of the dick except showering or peeing and any porn-like behaviour is a failure to follow through on my commitment.

I'll see you guys tomorrow morning to keep me accountable, please keep me accountable. FUCK PORN! FUCK IT! LET'S KEEP IT OUT OF OUR FUCKING LIVES!

 

[cookiemonster]

Time to go to bed. Business as usual: don't play with the dick going to sleep or waking up.

Things are maybe slightly easier because I've broken the habit of looking at porn but I can feel I'm only ever a few untamed thoughts away from relapse and it scares the shit out of me.

I'm maybe starting to feel a little too comfortable in the reboot. Things are going well and I might grow complacent.

A key element of this reboot will be getting a girlfriend, it's been a while and I'm ready for it. But at the same time this poses its own risks. I remember around this time last year I had a 10 week long streak going, I had a sexual encounter with a girl which went well, but then it fizzled out and it kind of felt like I'd lost the immediate reason for rebooting.

Anyway, I'm so ready for porn addiction to be a thing of the past. I'm ready to move on in life, get a girlfriend I enjoy spending time with and be intimate with without porn coming in and fucking with things.

Journaling daily and committing in the morning to steering clear from porn has been helping.

I just looked back at the approximate 4 week mark in my first reboot. I erection tested around this time and my dick was working again, so it's safe to assume I have a working dick again. But after erection testing I started getting urges to jerk off and sexual energy rose. If I steer clear of erection testing this time it will make things a lot easier.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 27 clean.

Woke up pretty tired today. I went to the gym and had a pretty good session. I had a slow morning and spent too much time on YouTube. YouTube is turning into the enemy.

I'm now in a much better place and set up to enjoy the rest of the day and move through some tasks to progress important projects.

Fuck porn. It's still tough honestly. With me, the easiest thing is to just fight any sexual thoughts at inception. It's so much easier for me to simply not touch my dick and never engage in sexual thoughts than it is to stop myself once the ball gets rolling. So my strategy remains the same, don't touch my dick other than when showering or peeing; gently brush away all sexual thoughts.

I'm feeling a bit of "fatigue" from the reboot. I've gone almost a month now without masturbation, orgasm or any stimulation - I think that builds up a bit of sexual energy which is hard to manage. Historically at this point in previous reboots I've started "erection testing". At first it was to check whether my dick worked but then it really just became an excuse for some soft masturbation. Then the masturbation led to increased urges which eventually led to relapse.

I don't know what my game plan should be. I guess it's obvious, just keep doing what I'm doing. Commit to a porn-free day publicly here on the forum (and to myself) and keep starving the porn pathways and not arousing myself by touching my dick.

At this point in the reboot I start to feel "cleaner" and healthier again. I have confidence that I won't have ED when with a female and I have a natural sexual energy which pushes me to want to interact with women. The thing is I'm not like a lot of people around me my age. I've had sexual encounters but never penetrative sex. I now feel 100% ready to go and pursue these things but I don't want to do it with just anybody. A lot of people seem to fuck anything which moves (both guys and girls do this these days) but that behaviour doesn't really appeal to me.

Anyway, I won't get too caught up in contemplating the big picture. I will continue to take things one day at a time. I can feel how easy things can slip. How a sexual thought will slip into my head and how my brain just wants to latch onto it and lead me down the wrong path. The stakes are really high today just as ever. Today could be the day I relapse if I'm not careful. Let's not let that happen. I am committing right here, right now, to a porn-free day. Anything which activates the porn pathways will be avoided today. If I fail to do this then I'm failing to follow through on the commitment I'm making right now.

It's simple. No porn-pathway activating behaviour today. All we have to get through is today. Today is all that matters.

Fuckkkk don't let me relapse. Porn is not something I want in my life anymore. It's not a part of my life anymore. It's not something I do anymore because it's just not congruent with who I am and who I am becoming. It has no place in my life.

Porn is the enemy and we have to beat it. It's my life which is at stake.

Fuck me it's hard and I'm scared.

See you tomorrow morning and maybe this evening. Keep me accountable. FUCK PORN! PORN CAN GET ABSOLUTELY FUCKED.

 

[Androg]

Good luck. Stay strong, and trust that you'll connect with someone when it's time.

 

[Trisquel]

I had an app blocker for a while. Now I've literally deleted all social media from my phone except YouTube. The problem is, that means that it's YouTube I spend too much time on. I get a lot of benefits from having YouTube on my phone though, I don't really get any from other social media apps.

I could consider deleting YouTube or pre-downloading videos. I watch a lot of constructive and educational content on YouTube.

I try to watch YouTube only on my laptop, not in my phone. I also have a 5 min timer for the app (that's the minimum my phone allows).
It doesn't always work, and I still watch YouTube on my phone, but it has reduce for sure the time I spend there.

 

[cookiemonster]

I try to watch YouTube only on my laptop, not in my phone. I also have a 5 min timer for the app (that's the minimum my phone allows).
It doesn't always work, and I still watch YouTube on my phone, but it has reduce for sure the time I spend there.

I could do this too. And then anything which I really want to watch on my phone I can use the 5 minute grace period to download it so I can watch it offline.

Good luck. Stay strong, and trust that you'll connect with someone when it's time.

Thanks, good advice.


It's the end of the day now. A little bit too late. I'm going to go overseas to study later this year again and I've been chatting with some people who live there to try to make some friends in advance but it takes a bit of extra time out of my day. Today wasn't a bad day, better than a lot of Sundays can be, but I'm quite unsatisfied. I have a lot I want to accomplish and I never seem to get it done. I guess that's life, as long as I keep beating porn addition it's a good day. I can get more done if I spend less time on my phone. Now business as usual, go to bed, do some journalling, read for a bit, then get some rest without playing with my dick when falling asleep or waking up.