Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

Day 95 clean.

I'm reallllyyy tired today. Been working extremely hard the past few days and have been really productive. I've got some competitions and assignments that I've been preparing for and they have taken a lot of energy and work. The next week is when all of the deadlines hit.

This morning I erection tested and got 100% hard from touch alone. Really I shouldn't have done that but when I'm tired and still half asleep I have less control.

I need to catch up on some sleep and rest and things will get back on track.

Tonight I've got a few keys tasks I'm going to finish off and then I'll try to rest and have an early night before a big day tomorrow.

Fuck porn. I'll come back here if I'm having trouble staying on track. I'm sexually activated today because of brief masturbation this morning so it's danger zone.

See you all soon.

 

[Ezel]

Watch out my man from any thoughts that could come back to hunt you down after that mo session. Be mindful and don't fall for any tricks that your mind might try to play on you.

You're doing a hell of a job cookie. Keep it up.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 96 clean.

Very sexual and pornographic dreams last night and rock solid morning wood. I'm pretty sure I'm playing with my dick when half asleep during the night.

Wasn't so good at staying of social media and of course there were some triggers.

Watch out my man from any thoughts that could come back to hunt you down after that mo session. Be mindful and don't fall for any tricks that your mind might try to play on you.

You're doing a hell of a job cookie. Keep it up.

Thanks Ezel. You're exactly right. And I've got to stay vigilant with social media because that could throw me off right now as well.

I have a competition today which has the potential to be quite stressful and then result in a crash this evening once I'm out on the other side of it. I have to be really careful today. Today could easily be a relapse day. I'm sexually activated from yesterdays playing with my dick and super sexual dreams + there's a lot of pressure today.

The goal today it to not look at porn and to not go looking for triggers on social media. I'll come back here tonight to check in and reaffirm my goals because I really want to get through today. I also won't touch my dick unless peeing.

Big day!

See you tonight.

 

[Blondie]

I also won't touch my dick unless peeing.

Just use your boxers to aim, that always works!

It's at times like this @cookiemonster, that you can almost get so scared that you might screw up, that it can actually make it worse. It's good to take a deep breath, and do something relaxing if you can find the time. Whatever that may be is up to you obviously.

Remember, if you're feeling really tempted, remind yourself that it's NOT pleasure if you instantly regret it. There's no fun to be had and nothing to be gained going down that dark path.

Best

 

[cookiemonster]

Just use your boxers to aim, that always works!

It's at times like this @cookiemonster, that you can almost get so scared that you might screw up, that it can actually make it worse. It's good to take a deep breath, and do something relaxing if you can find the time. Whatever that may be is up to you obviously.

Remember, if you're feeling really tempted, remind yourself that it's NOT pleasure if you instantly regret it. There's no fun to be had and nothing to be gained going down that dark path.

Best

Thanks Blondie. Yeah I'll figure it out.

I podium finished in the competition today which comes with big perks which is awesome.

I'm exhausted. Assignments and exams next week too hahaha. So I'm going to go have a rest and try to reset.

I'll see you all tomorrow morning. I've got to keep winning the battle against social media, it's made my life so good to be off it and off games on my phone.

Don't play with my dick or masturbate tonight. I don't have to overcome this forever, just tonight. It will get easier.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 97 clean.

Shocking sleep last night. Had lots of trouble getting to sleep and woke up at 4am. I gave up on trying to get back to sleep and watched YouTube for a couple of hours and then finally managed to get back to sleep. Honestly a big win for me, restless nights like that and letting technology sneak into the bedroom is a big risky moment. I got through squeaky clean.

I woke up with some precum in my pants.

I'm very tired today and cranky. Hard to focus on the work I need to get done. Normal after the poor sleep and the amount of work I've done this past week.

So what's the game plan? Nothing much changes hahah. Today the goal is a porn free and psub free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.

Honestly it is feeling a little hard to stick with no MO no PMO in the reboot recently but these things come and go.

I'll come back here today and many times as I need to stay on track.

I'm going to try and have a bit of a hybrid work-rest day. I need to get some things done but I'll try to take it easier than usual.

See you soon, keep me accountable!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 98 clean. 14 weeks clean.

The goal for today is porn-free, p-sub-free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing. This hard-line strategy has been working wonders.

I have an assignment due today. I want to work without getting distracted, maintain positive self-talk and take breaks.

The goal for the rest of the day is to stay off social media completely until after 5pm. I will not play games on my phone at all, there's no benefit even if I feel like I want to. I haven't played games on my phone since I committed to stopping (that was over a week ago) and it has been great. I would love to channel all of the time I lost on social media and games into reading and real rejuvenating rest.

No porn. No p-subs. No playing with dick. No games. No social media until after 5pm and then still keep it to a minimum.

Might seem boring and simple but these changes are legitimately changing my life and I'm very excited about these habits.

I will add 5-10 minutes of meditation into the mix in the late afternoon.

See you this evening or tomorrow morning. Thanks for reacting to my posts and replying from time to time, it helps to hold me accountable.

 

[Androg]

You're doing great!

 

[Blondie]

Looking good brother, two days away from 100!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 99 clean.

Out of nowhere urges are really high?

I had sexual dreams last night and at some point woke up with a really solid erection and then went back to sleep.

It's been a busy, intense, exciting week. I have one more hurdle to get over which is an exam in a couple of days and my brain this morning just went into procrastinating mode. I spent some time on YouTube thinking it might help to mellow me out but that didn't help. I guess I relearn the lesson that social media for the sake of distraction doesn't make you feel better.

My urges haven't been this high since... since what must be the start of the reboot? I guess I had sexual dreams last night and the stress of exams might be triggering an old coping mechanism. That means that today is an opportunity to further let those pathways decay and to reinforce more positive mechanisms for dealing with pressure. If I feel the pressure today and relapse I would be strengthening the pathways I am actively working to let decay.

Today is one of those more significant days where the potential for relapse is more real. I can't predict the future but it's good that I'm here because writing things out clarifies thoughts and slows things down enough for my sober self to come to the front.

Do I want to relapse? No. Why would I want to look at porn? There's something about it pulling me but it's really just simply my neurochemistry and neurobiology trying to get me to engage in what it mistakenly believes is a high-reward activity. In reality, I know it's really something which lowers my self-esteem, my energy, my ability to concentrate and my ability to connect with others and women. Which also means that in the long-term it will have extremely detrimental effects to my romantic relationships and eventually family.

What would be the "reward"? A temporary release of neurochemicals in my brain followed by disappointment, shame, frustration and a realisation that I have just engaged in something which I know is not good for me for the sake of some cheap dopamine.

Not worth it. That's the realisation I needed to "re-have" today.

Today will be tough. I can now go into it with clarity.

Today the goal is to not look at porn. Oh and most definitely to not look at porn substitutes, today would be the perfect day for me to let some borderline content slip through the cracks, NO.

How about masturbation? Well, how about this for an answer: since I'm not in control today, that means no masturbation for today. I don't have to do that forever but it's very easy to not do it for just one day so today it's off the table too.

No porn. No p-subs. No masturbation. No masturbation means no touching dick except when peeing because that's the easiest battle to win before things snowball.

I'll be kind to myself today.

Will be a big win if (when), FUCK, I make it through clean.

Will come back here today as many times as I need.

 

[Blondie]

You got this @cookiemonster!

Even reason you wrote down here just now is reason enough to never ever look at porn again.

 

[cookiemonster]

Going to bed now. Just got to not play with my dick, read for a bit, then get up tomorrow for a fresh start.

 

[Androg]

Going to bed now. Just got to not play with my dick, read for a bit, then get up tomorrow for a fresh start.

All the best with the exam!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 100 clean. Wtf?

Not sure if I had morning wood at some point in my drowsing this morning or if I'd grabbed my dick and made myself get an erection while half asleep but there was something there hahaha.

I woke up and my brain was instantly thinking about porn and it took me a moment to get bad visualisations out of my head.

I don't know why all of a sudden there's this resurgence but I'm sure it will pass soon and I'll be even further down the road to decayed porn pathways.

The goal for today is a porn-free, porn-substitute-free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.

I also want to make sure I don't turn to my phone or social media to procrastinate, instead I should just take a break and go for a short walk or the like.

See you tomorrow or tonight so that I stay accountable.

 

[Androg]

100!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 101 clean.

Short one because I have an exam.

The goal is a porn and p-sub free day. Got to make sure I don't masturbate either and also don't let things get out of had in some sort of coming down from the pressure of the last week.

When my exam is over I should come back here if I need to.

See you soon.

 

[Trisquel]

Congrats on 100days!

Yeah, idk, it can be weird, I guess. I once relapsed after 53 days (my longest strike). But you have a good attitude! Just keep going with the same mentality you have faced these trhee months. It may be helpful to go back to some post were you were feeling not so good and realized that you went through that in the end.
Maybe you can think about it as an exercise, you have to get through these urges to renew your strength and determination to get rid of P! Is gonna be easier every time.
Good luck!

 

[Androg]

How did it go?

 

[cookiemonster]

Congrats on 100days!

Yeah, idk, it can be weird, I guess. I once relapsed after 53 days (my longest strike). But you have a good attitude! Just keep going with the same mentality you have faced these trhee months. It may be helpful to go back to some post were you were feeling not so good and realized that you went through that in the end.
Maybe you can think about it as an exercise, you have to get through these urges to renew your strength and determination to get rid of P! Is gonna be easier every time.
Good luck!

Thanks. Really good advice. It does help when I go back and look through the journal and see all of the tough days I made it through.

How did it go?

Exam went well. I prepared well and things went as well as one can hope under exam conditions. You can only control what you can control.

Today I hung out with that girl I've been hanging out with and I had a good time. Today was a little more playful with more touch. We were hanging out in public so what I'm talking about really is just sitting together, her leaning her head on me from time to time, etc.. just closer proximity in general. I found myself getting erections from this stuff alone, I guess it's not so surprising given I haven't PMO'd nor MO'd for over 100 days. I also found when I went to the bathroom later I had a lot of precum in my pants. I guess sorry for details but it's interesting to document.

I'm going to bed a bit stressed tonight because of family stuff. I'll journal, read and then go to sleep for what will hopefully be an exciting day tomorrow.

I played games on my phone for maybe 45 minutes tonight. I guess I thought I'd relax after exams. To be honest I didn't enjoy it very much and didn't like how lazy it made me feel afterwards. I had the normal human reaction of recognising this and then just stopping. I'm pleased to say that I think I'm way less addicted to games on my phone than porn. I can control it basically. So I will go back to not playing games on my phone and committing to that each morning because it makes my life better. Plus there's no better test of whether I can control it by saying: okay, don't do it then!

Fuck porn. I can't believe that I could still relapse so easily this far out from day 0. At this point it would probably be a "curiosity killed the cat" incident but those are really when we just lie to ourselves and let things slip.

Not sure when I'll be turning the page to a new chapter. At this point it feels like I'm on a perpetual road of no PMO, no MO, but I do wonder when I'm going to be intimate with someone.

Goodnight. See you tomorrow. Don't play with dick in bed.

 

[Blondie]

Right on @cookiemonster.

Today I hung out with that girl I've been hanging out with and I had a good time. Today was a little more playful with more touch. We were hanging out in public so what I'm talking about really is just sitting together, her leaning her head on me from time to time, etc.. just closer proximity in general. I found myself getting erections from this stuff alone, I guess it's not so surprising given I haven't PMO'd nor MO'd for over 100 days. I also found when I went to the bathroom later I had a lot of precum in my pants. I guess sorry for details but it's interesting to document.

This is fantastic news.

Keep on keeping on.