Road to freedom
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cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 102 clean.
Running a little late this morning so a short one.
The goal today is a porn-free, p-sub free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.
I'm hanging out with that girl and a couple of friends tonight.
See you tonight or tomorrow so I stay accountable. I'll come here as many times as I need to stay on track.
No games on phone today. No benefit to be found there.
And thanks for the encouragement guys.
Running a little late this morning so a short one.
The goal today is a porn-free, p-sub free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.
I'm hanging out with that girl and a couple of friends tonight.
See you tonight or tomorrow so I stay accountable. I'll come here as many times as I need to stay on track.
No games on phone today. No benefit to be found there.
And thanks for the encouragement guys.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 103 clean.
Day is almost over anyway. Just got to stay away from porn, porn substitutes and masturbation and we'll have another good one.
Things are going fine so far, I'll come back here if anything goes haywire.
See you tomorrow.
Day is almost over anyway. Just got to stay away from porn, porn substitutes and masturbation and we'll have another good one.
Things are going fine so far, I'll come back here if anything goes haywire.
See you tomorrow.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 104 clean. But a high risk day.
A lot to journal about today and a bit of a slip up to unpack. This morning I redownloaded some dating apps. Yesterday a friend of mine spoke about his current girlfriend who he met from a dating app. I left the interaction a little frustrated with my dating situation.
This morning I downloaded the apps and it completely fucked my day. I didn't go to the gym as I normally do and really I haven't done anything productive, just sort of compulsively floated in and out of the apps distracted and triggered.
There's no question that the apps are a porn substitute because I immediately started using them compulsively.
I'm amazed by how many attractive people there are out there and somehow none of them seem to cross my path? Although, there is probably an element of my frustrated brain just lashing out here in that comment.
I'm healed: my ED is gone (I'm assuming) because I have morning wood like every morning and get spontaneous erections basically anytime a woman touches me.
I really want to be intimate with a woman at this point and the fact that nothing is happening is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. It's not really like I'm taking the initiative to make anything happen either when I'm honest about it. I'm an attractive guy with my life together so I've got no reason to mope about.
I think I still have porn which is affecting my thinking because I really don't want to settle down with one person. Before I'm even in the game it's like the objective is breadth rather than depth. Although to be fair on myself, I haven't dated anyone in YEARRRS so it's not necessarily that strange for me to be uncomfortable with the idea of committing to a long-term, exclusive thing as soon as I'm getting back into dating.
There's this one girl I've been hanging out with who is super keen on me but the problem is she's more into me than I'm into her. I've basically refrained from letting the relationship develop because anything we do will probably be more significant for her than for me.
If I think back on what has happened today: I skipped the gym, did nothing all day, feel triggered and fog-brained and I don't know if there's anything tangible that you could say I got back in return. A pretty strong argument for getting rid of the apps and getting back on track.
A lot to journal about today and a bit of a slip up to unpack. This morning I redownloaded some dating apps. Yesterday a friend of mine spoke about his current girlfriend who he met from a dating app. I left the interaction a little frustrated with my dating situation.
This morning I downloaded the apps and it completely fucked my day. I didn't go to the gym as I normally do and really I haven't done anything productive, just sort of compulsively floated in and out of the apps distracted and triggered.
There's no question that the apps are a porn substitute because I immediately started using them compulsively.
I'm amazed by how many attractive people there are out there and somehow none of them seem to cross my path? Although, there is probably an element of my frustrated brain just lashing out here in that comment.
I'm healed: my ED is gone (I'm assuming) because I have morning wood like every morning and get spontaneous erections basically anytime a woman touches me.
I really want to be intimate with a woman at this point and the fact that nothing is happening is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. It's not really like I'm taking the initiative to make anything happen either when I'm honest about it. I'm an attractive guy with my life together so I've got no reason to mope about.
I think I still have porn which is affecting my thinking because I really don't want to settle down with one person. Before I'm even in the game it's like the objective is breadth rather than depth. Although to be fair on myself, I haven't dated anyone in YEARRRS so it's not necessarily that strange for me to be uncomfortable with the idea of committing to a long-term, exclusive thing as soon as I'm getting back into dating.
There's this one girl I've been hanging out with who is super keen on me but the problem is she's more into me than I'm into her. I've basically refrained from letting the relationship develop because anything we do will probably be more significant for her than for me.
If I think back on what has happened today: I skipped the gym, did nothing all day, feel triggered and fog-brained and I don't know if there's anything tangible that you could say I got back in return. A pretty strong argument for getting rid of the apps and getting back on track.
Congrats on 104 days clean man!! Thats insane
Also i totally understand you when it comes to the apps. I went through the exact same thing and it can feel very frustrating. Truth is that if you don't pay for that app, you wont get many matches cause your profile won't be pushed further. That shit shattered my self esteem for a couple of days, until i found out that many girls go there just to get validation and they get bombarded with tons of likes which makes it very hard for them to choose one and actually follow through with a normal conversation
thats why most of them barely respond or just flake. And if you use the free app, you will have available only the not very good looking ones, which will act also very jaded from so many choices they have. The good looking matches you have are mostly blured and you need the premium version to see them. Im not saying that it wouldn't work out but all these girls see only numbers and images on the screen and can't sense your energy at all, so you have to rely on your texting game mostly. It makes you see everyone through a squewed lense. A friend of mine said i should look at online dating as a passive income. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but its useless to spend much energy on it honestly. It can't be further from the truth. You have way higher chances if you would just go to girls on the street and ask them out. It also builds character. And since you workout and are this far in the streak, many girls would give you a chance. Just don't take the online dating personal cause it's as far from reality as it can be.But this was just my experience with it.
I am also looking for ways to meet more girls. Not to just have sex, but to enlarge my horizons, so maybe we can give each other advice and keep accountable
cookiemonster
Active Member
I feel like shit going to bed tonight. Really not happy with how today went and very frustrated at my current situation in general.
Now I will go to bed, journal, read and let the day go. Tomorrow is a new day and this too shall pass as everything does eventually.
Goodnight and see you tomorrow.
Now I will go to bed, journal, read and let the day go. Tomorrow is a new day and this too shall pass as everything does eventually.
Goodnight and see you tomorrow.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @cookiemonster, I hear you about all of this. I can be real frustrating when others have a girlfriend and we do not. It's very easy to fall into the feel sorry for me trap.
Yes, this is a real problem with those apps, and it's something I would definitely be watchful of, but you alreadly seem mindful of that fact. In many ways, dating apps have commodified relationships and hookups, like porn has commodified women's bodies and us men's natural inclination to fall in love with our eyes. There's nothing wrong with them per se but there is a real gap between reality and just strolling and looking for that "perfect match" which is very similar to porn in that regard. And of course as you realized, your normal habits went right out the window which is a clear sign that something is off.
Fuck yeah!I hear you. Having a relationship or just a few positive experiences could really do you good right now. It is time to act, but dating apps could be the wrong choice.
Furthermore, another thing to me mindful of with those apps, is that unless you're in the top 80% of men when it comes to the looks department, you'll be practically passed over without even a moment's thought. Of course, I'm not saying you're not good looking (I don't know you!) but only you can figure that out by being honest with yourself and by the comments you've received (or have not received) from the opposite sex over the years. I'm all about being positive and having confidence, but when it comes to attraction (especially on apps), it's what the opposite sex thinks about us is all that matters in the end. And unfortunately, with dating apps, that is literally all you have to offer is your looks, all other factors that make us men attractive like body language, facial expressions, the way we talk and engage with a woman across from us, our charm or sense of humor, our passions and goals, have no bearing in just a picture, even IF we're really good looking! Thus, like @DmdsDmt said, I wouldn't let an app affect you.
This is probably true to some extent, but as you said, you haven't found anyone yet that really blows your mind, which I don't think is necessarily porn related. And if it's been years, then yes, "settling" down with the first girl you meet would not be wise. However, you do need to get out there and have some experiences, and that doesn't have to be all sexual experiences, but yes, just meeting people and seeing which ones really get you going. I think it's very easy to think black and white when it comes to this question, that is, is porn affecting me or not? I don't know if you've read my journal, but I've had the same "problem" but from the other side, where I question, is my current lady the right one for me, and is porn affecting these thoughts? I don't think in the end it's that simple, especially as you get further and further away from porn.
Yes, If you don't feel anything for that girl, I think it would be wise to move on. No reason wasting her time or yours! Nothing to feel bad about either.
Yes. I think you answered your question. Which is good!
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cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 105 clean. 15 weeks clean.
But a shaky couple of days with dating apps being a bit of a porn substitute.
Last night I had what I think was the longest and most "durable" (in the sense of the dream state being solid) sexual dream I've ever had. I woke up with precum in my pants. I still haven't had a wet dream where I wake up and I've completely ejaculated but this one felt close.
The magic recipe which has got me this far has been to come here every morning to commit to porn-free, porn substitute free days. If I'm being honest with myself, the introduction of dating apps yesterday hasn't been good for my reboot. This morning I had the strongest urges I've had to masturbate in the entire reboot for example. This isn't even to mention the fact that they're distracting me from the projects I want to work on and my ability to focus.
Despite this, after deleting them, I redownloaded them this morning. This isn't necessarily surprising. Sometimes we don't understand why we can't control our addiction, but that's exactly the concept of an addiction. There's also still a part of me which thinks that if I disabled them and just logged in for a few minutes at the end of the day to see "what has come my way", then it could be useful for generating real interactions and the much needed transition to being with girls. There may be some truth in this too.
At the end of the day, I think this is some form of bargaining with myself and I need to be kind to myself as I shift away from them. For example, the first step I can take is to commit to not going on them until after the work day. That's achievable.
I essentially need to build my resolve to make the decision to excommunicate them too.
I think if I keep leaning on this journal to navigate today and the next few days, then I'll make the right decision.
So therefore, the goal for today is a porn-free day and a porn-substitute-free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.
How can I make sure that the dating apps are not a porn substitute, given... well they kind of are? Well, I guess I can set a 10 minute timer and in lieu of scrolling through profiles, just respond to people who have contacted me.
No porn. No p-subs (meaning 10 minutes of just responding to messages on dating apps). No touching dick. No games on phone at all. No social media at all except messenger because that's just messages.
I can see the rationalisation of things I'm doing here, I just need to wean myself off dating apps. But at least I have a clear plan for today which should keep me on track for at least today.
But a shaky couple of days with dating apps being a bit of a porn substitute.
Last night I had what I think was the longest and most "durable" (in the sense of the dream state being solid) sexual dream I've ever had. I woke up with precum in my pants. I still haven't had a wet dream where I wake up and I've completely ejaculated but this one felt close.
The magic recipe which has got me this far has been to come here every morning to commit to porn-free, porn substitute free days. If I'm being honest with myself, the introduction of dating apps yesterday hasn't been good for my reboot. This morning I had the strongest urges I've had to masturbate in the entire reboot for example. This isn't even to mention the fact that they're distracting me from the projects I want to work on and my ability to focus.
Despite this, after deleting them, I redownloaded them this morning. This isn't necessarily surprising. Sometimes we don't understand why we can't control our addiction, but that's exactly the concept of an addiction. There's also still a part of me which thinks that if I disabled them and just logged in for a few minutes at the end of the day to see "what has come my way", then it could be useful for generating real interactions and the much needed transition to being with girls. There may be some truth in this too.
At the end of the day, I think this is some form of bargaining with myself and I need to be kind to myself as I shift away from them. For example, the first step I can take is to commit to not going on them until after the work day. That's achievable.
I essentially need to build my resolve to make the decision to excommunicate them too.
I think if I keep leaning on this journal to navigate today and the next few days, then I'll make the right decision.
So therefore, the goal for today is a porn-free day and a porn-substitute-free day. I won't touch my dick unless peeing.
How can I make sure that the dating apps are not a porn substitute, given... well they kind of are? Well, I guess I can set a 10 minute timer and in lieu of scrolling through profiles, just respond to people who have contacted me.
No porn. No p-subs (meaning 10 minutes of just responding to messages on dating apps). No touching dick. No games on phone at all. No social media at all except messenger because that's just messages.
I can see the rationalisation of things I'm doing here, I just need to wean myself off dating apps. But at least I have a clear plan for today which should keep me on track for at least today.
Many guys have experienced dating apps as porn substitutes. They permit constant erotic novelty. They are a way of "engineering" a steady dopamine stream. Engineered highs: Reward variability and frequency as potential prerequisites of behavioural addiction
I think you've figured things out for yourself.
I think you've figured things out for yourself.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Thanks for the comments guys and helping me think through where I'm at currently. It's helpful.
Today I'll try to put it back in the bag and then hopefully have that moment of commitment where I go: fuck it, banned from my life.
Congrats on 104 days clean man!! Thats insane
Also i totally understand you when it comes to the apps. I went through the exact same thing and it can feel very frustrating. Truth is that if you don't pay for that app, you wont get many matches cause your profile won't be pushed further. That shit shattered my self esteem for a couple of days, until i found out that many girls go there just to get validation and they get bombarded with tons of likes which makes it very hard for them to choose one and actually follow through with a normal conversation
But this was just my experience with it.
I am also looking for ways to meet more girls. Not to just have sex, but to enlarge my horizons, so maybe we can give each other advice and keep accountable
Couldn't agree more with the sentiment here. Look I got some degree of interest on the first day so it's not like it's a complete waste of time. But given my previous porn addiction it's a more sensitive thing to be doing than maybe for other people.
This is the perfect summary of where I'm at.
And we need more of this basically haha.I am also looking for ways to meet more girls. Not to just have sex, but to enlarge my horizons, so maybe we can give each other advice and keep accountable
I need to just drag my more primitive mind into coherence with what my rational mind is telling me.
Today I'll try to put it back in the bag and then hopefully have that moment of commitment where I go: fuck it, banned from my life.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Much better day today but far from what I'm capable of.
I will now go to bed, journal, read and go to sleep without playing with my dick. I don't have to do that forever, just for now just while I get myself back under control.
Right now I'll commit to not checking social media until after the work day and not checking the dating apps until after the work day.
I'm moving back in the right direction.
I will now go to bed, journal, read and go to sleep without playing with my dick. I don't have to do that forever, just for now just while I get myself back under control.
Right now I'll commit to not checking social media until after the work day and not checking the dating apps until after the work day.
I'm moving back in the right direction.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 106 clean.
The goal today is a porn-free, porn substitute free day. I won't touch my dick unless using the bathroom.
Dating apps are increasingly under control, I won't look at them at all until after the work day and then only for 5-10 minutes without scrolling through profiles.
No porn. No p-subs (meaning 5-10 minutes of replying to messages on dating apps and nothing else). No masturbation. No games on phone at all, they're banned. No social media until after the end of the work day and then still keep it to a minimum.
That's the attack plan.
See you tonight or tomorrow so that I stay accountable.
Feels good to be slowly getting back on track.
The goal today is a porn-free, porn substitute free day. I won't touch my dick unless using the bathroom.
Dating apps are increasingly under control, I won't look at them at all until after the work day and then only for 5-10 minutes without scrolling through profiles.
No porn. No p-subs (meaning 5-10 minutes of replying to messages on dating apps and nothing else). No masturbation. No games on phone at all, they're banned. No social media until after the end of the work day and then still keep it to a minimum.
That's the attack plan.
See you tonight or tomorrow so that I stay accountable.
Feels good to be slowly getting back on track.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 107 clean.
Still kind of using dating apps as a porn substitute though. I'm not jerking off to photos or anything, but deep down I know it's probably not doing me any good. It's a real shame because if my use wasn't compulsive and they didn't mess with my ability to concentrate, then I think it would be a net positive. I've got someone's details off the app and I'll put more attention into pursuing that, they seem enthusiastic. For the rest of the day I won't use the apps at all.
The goal for today is a porn-free, porn substitute free day. That means no dating apps for the remainder of the day. I won't touch my dick unless using the bathroom. I won't play games on my phone at all. I won't check social media for the next couple of hours at least while I get things done.
I'm far from where I want to be in terms of productivity and the past few days haven't been ideal for my reboot but hopefully it will lead to some real encounters and rewiring, then I can shrug this off.
See you all soon, thanks for reacting and commenting on my stuff. It helps to keep me accountable and be reminded I'm not the only one fighting against this stuff.
I'm a 22 year-old guy who had 10 years of normal sexual development stolen away by the porn industry and I'm doing my best to transition into real human intimacy, I still don't really know what I'm doing. It's easy to get down on yourself and be discouraged. I'll figure it out.
Still kind of using dating apps as a porn substitute though. I'm not jerking off to photos or anything, but deep down I know it's probably not doing me any good. It's a real shame because if my use wasn't compulsive and they didn't mess with my ability to concentrate, then I think it would be a net positive. I've got someone's details off the app and I'll put more attention into pursuing that, they seem enthusiastic. For the rest of the day I won't use the apps at all.
The goal for today is a porn-free, porn substitute free day. That means no dating apps for the remainder of the day. I won't touch my dick unless using the bathroom. I won't play games on my phone at all. I won't check social media for the next couple of hours at least while I get things done.
I'm far from where I want to be in terms of productivity and the past few days haven't been ideal for my reboot but hopefully it will lead to some real encounters and rewiring, then I can shrug this off.
See you all soon, thanks for reacting and commenting on my stuff. It helps to keep me accountable and be reminded I'm not the only one fighting against this stuff.
I'm a 22 year-old guy who had 10 years of normal sexual development stolen away by the porn industry and I'm doing my best to transition into real human intimacy, I still don't really know what I'm doing. It's easy to get down on yourself and be discouraged. I'll figure it out.
I feel this very deeply, as I am 22 myself.
I started P at age 10, more or less. All my sexual development went to the trash all these years. And I'm in that same path of trying to figure it out and develop a healthy sexuality.
I really get down and discouraged, and I feel like givin up from time to time. But I'm learning to accept these states and let them go. The important thing is to keep walking and getting better one day at a time, I guess. Tbh I also feel lost and not knowing what I'm doing. But I guess it all comes down to committing to recovery everyday, one day at a time.
Good luck, Cookie! You are not alone and there are people with a similar experience.
cookiemonster
Active Member
I spent all afternoon and evening with the girl I've been hanging out with.
We watched a movie, cuddled, made dinner and made out a lot.
We didn't progress things further physically because she's made it clear that she would want to wait until being in a committed relationship and I've made it clear that I'm not ready to commit yet.
Following this I'm going to pursue that dialogue more directly and make sure we're on the same page regarding expectations not just physically but also with how the relationship might progress generally.
We watched a movie, cuddled, made dinner and made out a lot.
We didn't progress things further physically because she's made it clear that she would want to wait until being in a committed relationship and I've made it clear that I'm not ready to commit yet.
Following this I'm going to pursue that dialogue more directly and make sure we're on the same page regarding expectations not just physically but also with how the relationship might progress generally.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 108 clean.
I've deactivated the dating app accounts and deleted the apps. I was waiting for this moment to come. Now it genuinely feels like there's too little to gain and too much to lose. It basically comes down to me wanting the time and mental space to work on the projects which matter to me and which make me enjoy my days. The integrity of the reboot is an important consideration but in this instance it's funnily enough the second reason.
And thus the dating apps join the list of banned items hahah. If in a few months I decide I want to give it another shot, then sure, but for the next extended period of time, they're off-limits.
The goal today is a porn-free, p-sub free, dating app free, video game free day. They're all banned, all day.
Social media is to be kept to a minimum and only checked after the work day.
Back to the magic recipe which has got me this far.
Yesterday evening did me some good. Some genuine affection and that sort of feminine healing energy women can share, or whatever you want to call it, was a nice pick-me-up.
I've deactivated the dating app accounts and deleted the apps. I was waiting for this moment to come. Now it genuinely feels like there's too little to gain and too much to lose. It basically comes down to me wanting the time and mental space to work on the projects which matter to me and which make me enjoy my days. The integrity of the reboot is an important consideration but in this instance it's funnily enough the second reason.
And thus the dating apps join the list of banned items hahah. If in a few months I decide I want to give it another shot, then sure, but for the next extended period of time, they're off-limits.
The goal today is a porn-free, p-sub free, dating app free, video game free day. They're all banned, all day.
Social media is to be kept to a minimum and only checked after the work day.
Back to the magic recipe which has got me this far.
Yesterday evening did me some good. Some genuine affection and that sort of feminine healing energy women can share, or whatever you want to call it, was a nice pick-me-up.
cookiemonster
Active Member
We're in this together man, we'll figure it out. Thanks for the support
Blondie
Respected Member
Rock on @cookiemonster. I think this will be good. 
Glad you enjoyed that feminine energy. It truly can save us men in the purest sense of that term.
Best
Glad you enjoyed that feminine energy. It truly can save us men in the purest sense of that term.
Best
ADFECTATIO
Member
Hei Cookie! Congratulations to your more than 100 days streaks. I love to see you doing so good! All the best
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 109 clean.
Thanks for the encouragement guys.
We will keep it nice and simple today. I want to have a good day, what does that mean?
No porn. No porn substitutes. No dating apps. No games on my phone. I commit to that this morning.
And let's do an experiment, I'm excited just at the thought, no social media.
Bold moves today!
See you tonight or tomorrow morning so that I stay accountable.
Thanks for the encouragement guys.
We will keep it nice and simple today. I want to have a good day, what does that mean?
No porn. No porn substitutes. No dating apps. No games on my phone. I commit to that this morning.
And let's do an experiment, I'm excited just at the thought, no social media.
Bold moves today!
See you tonight or tomorrow morning so that I stay accountable.