Day 53, monk mode (no po, no mo).
Thanks
@FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 for reaching out, I'm doing okay brother. You keep doing what you do best champ.
Yeah I know, long time no see. Finally, I have some time now to write since I'm done with this semester's exams. From 6 modules I validated 5 modules, and only one came back, but I passed the catch-up exam just two days ago and I did great in it. Not bad I guess. Hard work pays off sooner or later, you just gotta keep pushing and don’t hold back.
These past 3 weeks were satisfying in a sense, i don’t know how to describe it cuz even though i would spend the entire week monday to Saturday from 9 to 5 studying with a friend of mine in the college library till our backs and necks started to hurt, and after we are done for the day, i would go back home and feel this happiness and satisfaction and put my head on a pillow and tell myself you did great today man, well done.
It’s so beautiful knowing that you gave it your best shot and gained this well-deserved normal level of dopamine because of the meaningful work that you have done, instead of pressing the porn easy button several times and you can still feel this emptiness that eats you inside and feels like shit.
The addiction is still there, I can feel its presence, still lurking in the shadows and showing his ugly filthy head from time to time. I’m not done yet as far as I’m concerned, to put it in other words since college is closed now for over a week, i’m going to spend it at home. You know the drill it’s going to be tough.
Just 2 days ago urges started creeping in, porn flashbacks, insta models, search terms you name it. I didn’t give in to them that easily. I know better now.
They were tough honestly, thank god he didn’t let me down and give up on me. Every time I felt I was about to let go, I would put my hands up and pray to Allah.
The Preserver, The Protector, The One who protects whatever and whoever He willed to protect. The Maintainer, The Guardian, The Feeder, The One who has the Power. The Reckoner, The One who gives satisfaction. The Sublime One, The Beneficent, The One who is attributed with greatness of Power and Glory of status save me from my evil self…
I know I'm in a tough spot because of my religious beliefs, isn't like I'm a good practitioner, because I'm not, if I were I wouldn't go this porn path and end up where I am. But that’s okay, sometimes you gotta fall down before you get back up…
On 1 February this year, i completed a full year since i joined the forum it was a hell of a journey with downs and many ups. Thank god i kept track of the fortify app throughout this whole year, when i checked it 3 days ago, i was shocked tbh.
From the whole year, I only relapsed 11 times, so that leaves me with a solid 354 days of no pmo, and a large portion of it was on monk mode. Not bad I guess lol.
And to my surprise on that same morning I had a wet dream, my third this time. My wet dreams timing are on a whole other level, just when I start to get worried if they were late or there is a major rebooting event or I'm about to say to hell with it, they would show up and restore hope in me.
But this isn’t over, you have to keep your guard up. Especially because I think that my flatline is over, with the whole urges that are showing up inside my head, and the frequent fully erected morning woods I’m having, and the 50+ days of no masturbations or any stimulations…
Man, it’s hard, i envy a lot of you guys tbh, a lot of the guys in here who passed the 90 days mark and beyond have outlets to release that sexual energy whenever they see fit, i don’t know if i’m the only guy in here who’s trying to pull this impossible task of leaving porn and masturbation without including a woman in this process, i may need to adjust my approach along the road and come up with a solution to this, but so far i’m good.
I heard this saying that sexual energy is like a fire, you need to keep it in check, if you keep meeting its overwhelming demands it will burn you to the ground, on the other hand, if you neglect it completely it will go away and you will freeze to death. So the only option is to find that sweet spot and keep it burning so you can stay warm.
That’s it for me today, as always thanks to all the members. Your encouragement and support mean the world to me honestly.
Peace.
Ezel.
