Day 84, no po, no mo(hardmode).
I played with fire yesterday like never before.
I don’t know why this is happening but I can hardly find any motivation to do anything.
Actually, I don't do anything with my day that’s worth mentioning.
Is it some withdrawal symptom or am I just lazy?
My brain can’t find joy in anything meaningful I like to do or plan to do.
Just after minutes of doing something, I would feel a terrible headache and stress rushing through my head and close the laptop or leave the task and go watch youtube or go do something that’s not useful.
Which brings me to yesterday when I let my guard down.
Yesterday night I was on my phone with no one around, watching some soft white underbelly interviews, featuring some drug addicts and how drugs messed up their lives.
And all of a sudden urges started occupying my head with past porn scenes and twerking and dancing videos. I was so weak I couldn't resist, actually I tried and fought but in the end, I gave in.
I’m not going to lie, I watched twerking videos one after another, that’s how it started.
My heart was beating so fast, my penis was rock hard, the typical signs that come before a relapse.
I wanted to relapse so bad that I searched one of my favorite porn stars on youtube, but nothing sexual came up, just some interviews with her.
Then I thought about this journal and the fact that I’m going to break the streak of 80+ days and start all over again.
It’s the only thing that kept me from relapsing yesterday, if it wasn’t for this journal I would be binge-watching porn right now like a 13-year-old boy.
After all the fighting that was going on inside my head, I finally came back to my senses, and closed youtube and watched an anime instead, I didn’t finish the episode I was so tired and frustrated I just put my phone down and slept like a baby.
What started this in the first place is the fact that I don’t do anything with my day that could benefit me and learn from.
This last month I became so lazy, is it a withdrawal symptom? I don’t know, I just want it to hurry up and do what it's got to do and leave my brain. Is it because of Ramadan? I highly doubt it, because Fasting during Ramadan can have positive effects on one's physical and mental wellbeing. This can include weight loss, improvements to metabolic markers, potential improvements to hepatic health, and reductions in feelings of stress and anxiety.
Ramadan was one of the things (with journaling) that kept me from relapsing yesterday, even though I finished yesterday’s fasting at sunset, that doesn’t mean that Ramadan is over, it’s a month-long religious practice.
I’m glad it happened because it showed me how counterfeit I am, it’s not okay to watch porn in Ramadan but it’s okay to watch women twerk. This thought is what helped me yesterday in putting the phone down before it’s too late.
Man, I have to do better than this.
With 6 days left to complete the 90 days of no PMO challenge, I have to be strong and push through it.
It doesn’t mean after I complete the 3 months challenge that I'm cured for good, in fact this is where I have to be cautious the most.
Because if I learned anything from my ex-attempts to quit porn is I always relapse after 4 months or 3 months of the reboot.
So the real challenge for me is not going to the top it’s staying at the top, which means I can abstain from porn but how much can I keep it up and leave it once and for all?
That’s the real question? And the only person that can answer it is me of course, with time I will tell…
We got this fellas, and be strong.
Peace.
Ezel.