ShadeTrenicin
Well-Known Member
Keep going friend!
It ends here.
- Thread starter downhillfromhere
- Start date
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thank you for the support!
Yesterday I was looking at some stuff I shouldn’t have. I got through it and quit looking, mostly because I can feel in me that it’s giving me nothing. There’s a really empty feeling there, where I would previously chase something, the novelty… and now it’s so apparently meaningless to me. I recall saying to myself “this is bullshit” or something to that effect
Even if I relapse - and I don’t mean to - something has already changed for the better. I think it takes a few weeks for people to either create or get rid of a habit, and even though with an addiction like this things will take a lot longer, I feel like there is just a new normal for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still tempted. But that’s part of training myself to put the phone down, not blocking any content but teaching myself how to make a better choice
I need to remember to work on my good habits to fill the empty space. Going to try and work on music more, and playing guitar.
Have been going for a quick run two times a week, working out a little before shower with a cold rinse at the end. Remembering to do some breathing exercises.
From watching porn for hours on a bad day to looking at some fairly innocent instagram posts feels like a huge change, but I’m not going to downplay the severity of looking that stuff up. It’s still feeding the part of me that still craves porn and will probably lead to a relapse if I’m not careful, or rather if I don’t stop doing it now.
Oh, it’s day 55!
Keep up the good work everyone, stay strong!
Yesterday I was looking at some stuff I shouldn’t have. I got through it and quit looking, mostly because I can feel in me that it’s giving me nothing. There’s a really empty feeling there, where I would previously chase something, the novelty… and now it’s so apparently meaningless to me. I recall saying to myself “this is bullshit” or something to that effect
Even if I relapse - and I don’t mean to - something has already changed for the better. I think it takes a few weeks for people to either create or get rid of a habit, and even though with an addiction like this things will take a lot longer, I feel like there is just a new normal for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still tempted. But that’s part of training myself to put the phone down, not blocking any content but teaching myself how to make a better choice
I need to remember to work on my good habits to fill the empty space. Going to try and work on music more, and playing guitar.
Have been going for a quick run two times a week, working out a little before shower with a cold rinse at the end. Remembering to do some breathing exercises.
From watching porn for hours on a bad day to looking at some fairly innocent instagram posts feels like a huge change, but I’m not going to downplay the severity of looking that stuff up. It’s still feeding the part of me that still craves porn and will probably lead to a relapse if I’m not careful, or rather if I don’t stop doing it now.
Oh, it’s day 55!
Keep up the good work everyone, stay strong!
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downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 58
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 59
Wanted to share this Youtube- video about processing emotions, found it interesting. Lots of helpful stuff here.
Wanted to share this Youtube- video about processing emotions, found it interesting. Lots of helpful stuff here.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
In my case, the first few weeks were definitively the easiest. I was looking up a lot of information on the subject, and keeping the reason why I’m doing this fresh in mind. I was feeling great, more sociable and relaxed, it was easier to talk to people and hear what they were saying.
The last month or so has been hardest for me. It has become easier to let my guard down, and have been feeling urges. Social anxiety is worse again, feeling a bit unsure and cold, struggling to use my voice properly when speaking. But I know things will go up and down, there will be good and bad days. Not giving up!
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Sadly, I think I have relapsed over the past few days. I was looking at some pictures on Instagram, and although I did not MO while looking at them, I did find that they appeared as mental images later on while I was masturbating. I didn't stop, and repeated it three times over the weekend/today.
I could try to persuade myself that this is a grey area and "get away with it" since I did not look at any porn or nudity, and I did not actually look at anything while masturbating, but I'm afraid this will keep happening if I don't hold myself accountable now. This was a substitute for porn, and it's leading me down a path I am done with. I need to hold myself accountable, and I need to be held accountable by anyone here who is listening.
I saw this coming, and I couldn't stop it happening. I think the only way to get back on the right track here is to reset my counter. I'm not starting over, in fact I had about two months of no porn or substitutes. A couple of days of making the wrong decisions is not going to undo that.
Tomorrow I will be back to day 1. I hope the rest of you are doing well, and staying away from this stuff.
I could try to persuade myself that this is a grey area and "get away with it" since I did not look at any porn or nudity, and I did not actually look at anything while masturbating, but I'm afraid this will keep happening if I don't hold myself accountable now. This was a substitute for porn, and it's leading me down a path I am done with. I need to hold myself accountable, and I need to be held accountable by anyone here who is listening.
I saw this coming, and I couldn't stop it happening. I think the only way to get back on the right track here is to reset my counter. I'm not starting over, in fact I had about two months of no porn or substitutes. A couple of days of making the wrong decisions is not going to undo that.
Tomorrow I will be back to day 1. I hope the rest of you are doing well, and staying away from this stuff.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 1! One more step in the right direction.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thanks man, appreciate it!
Day 2
Day 2
Restless Mystic
Member
Just completed reading your thread @downhillfromhere. I can pretty much relate everything you said with myself. Your sincerity is amazing. Definitely, You'll reap benefits more than you can imagine. I can suggest a small advice which may not agreeable to you.
I'd suggest you to try full hard mode. No P, No M, No O.
I'd suggest you to try full hard mode. No P, No M, No O.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thank you Restless, that's good to hear. Sometimes I doubt that things are moving forward, but I have to keep the good things in mind. Things are shaping up. 
Will definitely consider your advice about no MO as well... I have been thinking a bit about it. Also if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you could share what difference you feel it makes in recovery.
Will definitely consider your advice about no MO as well... I have been thinking a bit about it. Also if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you could share what difference you feel it makes in recovery.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 3
Went out for a run tonight, and was greeted with a cold wind and rain. The bad weather made me happy in a way, because I know the more I struggle the better I'm going to feel the next day. A presentation at work makes me incredibly nervous for days beforehand, but gives me an incredible boost for a day or two after. New experiences or things that take me out of me comfort zone are so incredibly good for me, and I should chase that a lot more.
I get so comfortable in my daily routines that are the same day in and day out. But unfortunately the life slowly seeps out of me if things are "normal" for too long. And it's so incredibly hard to get out of that comfort zone unless I'm forced to do so. So I'm going to have to find some ways to force myself. Thinking of taking a class in something, to try to regularly get out there and do something new. Not sure what yet.
I've got some urges now. Stronger than when I first started. But I know this is good for me. I need to keep going.
Loneliness has sort of subsided lately. I'm wondering if it has a direct connection with my relapse.
Went out for a run tonight, and was greeted with a cold wind and rain. The bad weather made me happy in a way, because I know the more I struggle the better I'm going to feel the next day. A presentation at work makes me incredibly nervous for days beforehand, but gives me an incredible boost for a day or two after. New experiences or things that take me out of me comfort zone are so incredibly good for me, and I should chase that a lot more.
I get so comfortable in my daily routines that are the same day in and day out. But unfortunately the life slowly seeps out of me if things are "normal" for too long. And it's so incredibly hard to get out of that comfort zone unless I'm forced to do so. So I'm going to have to find some ways to force myself. Thinking of taking a class in something, to try to regularly get out there and do something new. Not sure what yet.
I've got some urges now. Stronger than when I first started. But I know this is good for me. I need to keep going.
Loneliness has sort of subsided lately. I'm wondering if it has a direct connection with my relapse.
Restless Mystic
Member
Thank you @downhillfromhere.Thank you Restless, that's good to hear. Sometimes I doubt that things are moving forward, but I have to keep the good things in mind. Things are shaping up.
Will definitely consider your advice about no MO as well... I have been thinking a bit about it. Also if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you could share what difference you feel it makes in recovery.
I'll try to explain my understanding towards that.
Personally I happened to know about Porn addiction like 10 years ago. Read articles on YBOP, etc... At that time when i tried to reboot i started exactly like you. No to P but M, O +.
As you know I couldn't succeed. Eventhough it helps rewiring & detachment of O from P, i consider there are significant pitfalls.
In my personal opinion, i consider M itself as an unnatural stimulus. Isn't it? Ejaculation should happen with/by a partner around.
If we don't need women to achieve an orgasm, why would we try to engage in a conversation with them? We simply avoid. Because deep down we don't need women for sexual gratification because we did M &O with or without P.
Abstaining from M, pushes you. When you feel real women are the only way to sex, we have no option but approach them. As you mentioned that you have anxiety, this will definitely help you to widen your capabilities.
You'll get that macho only with PMO abstinence.
On my personal side, if it helps, i think I'm able to make a conversation with women easily when I'm completely abstinent. It's the confidence that makes difference. It doesn't matter whether flirting / romantic/ casual. I'm a socially inept person as well. But, PMO abstinence makes the situations less scary, gives 'let's face it' kinda attitude.
Finally there's no harm in trying. Give it a try and feel for yourselves.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
I have to say that you make a very compelling argument here. I did abstain from MO the first couple of weeks after learning about porn addiction, and there was a significant change in me, socially, especially towards women.
It was like I was less afraid, listening more and being able to respond more naturally. I have been thinking about that, wondering if it was a coincidence or simply linked to stopping PMO. But there is a chance that change came from stopping MO as well.
It makes a lot of sense to me. And I have to say that engaging in MO on my own doesn’t really give me much value on its’ own. I mean I’m imagining being with a woman, but I would so much rather actually be with someone for real. That’s a big part of why I’m doing this in the first place.
I’m going to try it, see if I can do without that release for a while. Thanks for the suggestion!
Restless Mystic
Member
Thumbs Up
. Keep Posting. Eager to hear the progress. On a side note, you have fantastic writing skills. You should write a story or something.
downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Thumbs Up
Thanks so much, that's really nice of you to say. It's a strange coincidence you should say that, just a couple of days ago I started trying to write a bit late at night just before bed, in order to try to work on my creativity and "daydreaming". I listened to a podcast about this, and I realized how rarely I actually daydream or imagine things happening - things that are positive and stuff that I want to experience. I have a tendency to ruminate, worry about things and imagine things going wrong. This could be a great way for me to start thinking more positively about what might happen in life, as well as training my creativity.
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downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
On a sadder note, I'm afraid I have to say that I relapsed again. It was a full relapse this time, with porn, twice in one night. Feels pretty bad. But I know I just need to get back up and keep going. Failure is part of learning.
I won't go into detail here, but a couple of things happened throughout the day that weakened me to the point I couldn't resist. I'm also pretty sure I thought something along the lines of "I already relapsed a few days ago, this will be fine this one time". I decided to look someone up online I knew would really get me going. I knew exactly what I was looking for, and got it done without much distraction. Then shortly after I did it again.
To look on the bright side, there wasn't really any novelty chasing involved. It was straight to the point, so at least I didn't waste a huge amount of time. And right now, it feels like I'm a little bit back to where I was, when I was so incredibly committed to turning this around for good. I want that dedication back. I need to do more reading on the subject, keep reminding myself. Spend more time on these forums.
I didn't expect things to become this difficult now. I was almost coasting along those first weeks, but then something changed. I lost control over what I was looking at online, started searching for things I shouldn't. I need to start cutting down drastically on social media, and not let myself slip even a little bit. It started so small, but ended with a full relapse.
Day 0
Now for what steps I'm taking to replace PMO with other things I can focus on and spend my time mindfully on. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm setting aside some time every day to just write - daydreaming, making stories, journaling, or just writing about my day. Going to work on looking for the humour in the things that happen.
I'm aiming for around two hours every day, and I will also spend some of this time on making music, playing guitar, making 3D environments/characters on the computer, listen to music. Things that I know make me feel more fulfilled and happy, but that I just don't get around to doing most days. I think that setting aside those couple of hours will help me just get going.
I'm also going to continue to work out twice a week, and go running at least once a week for 30-45 minutes. This stuff is so good for me, and so far I've managed to stick to it most weeks.
That's it. Again, it ends here.
I won't go into detail here, but a couple of things happened throughout the day that weakened me to the point I couldn't resist. I'm also pretty sure I thought something along the lines of "I already relapsed a few days ago, this will be fine this one time". I decided to look someone up online I knew would really get me going. I knew exactly what I was looking for, and got it done without much distraction. Then shortly after I did it again.
To look on the bright side, there wasn't really any novelty chasing involved. It was straight to the point, so at least I didn't waste a huge amount of time. And right now, it feels like I'm a little bit back to where I was, when I was so incredibly committed to turning this around for good. I want that dedication back. I need to do more reading on the subject, keep reminding myself. Spend more time on these forums.
I didn't expect things to become this difficult now. I was almost coasting along those first weeks, but then something changed. I lost control over what I was looking at online, started searching for things I shouldn't. I need to start cutting down drastically on social media, and not let myself slip even a little bit. It started so small, but ended with a full relapse.
Day 0
Now for what steps I'm taking to replace PMO with other things I can focus on and spend my time mindfully on. Like I mentioned in my last post, I'm setting aside some time every day to just write - daydreaming, making stories, journaling, or just writing about my day. Going to work on looking for the humour in the things that happen.
I'm aiming for around two hours every day, and I will also spend some of this time on making music, playing guitar, making 3D environments/characters on the computer, listen to music. Things that I know make me feel more fulfilled and happy, but that I just don't get around to doing most days. I think that setting aside those couple of hours will help me just get going.
I'm also going to continue to work out twice a week, and go running at least once a week for 30-45 minutes. This stuff is so good for me, and so far I've managed to stick to it most weeks.
That's it. Again, it ends here.
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downhillfromhere
Well-Known Member
Day 1
Man, feels kind of strange to be back to day 1 again. But hey, it's not about the numbers, it's about the attitude that changes towards something better.
I went for a hike with my dog, just trying to focus on breathing properly and being mindful of the things around me, the sounds and everything. Going to work out for about half an hour now, then allow myself to relax for a bit before dinner. Around 8 or 9 I will sit down and to something creative, whether it's writing or anything else. I'm looking forward to it, just taking some time for myself to improve on something over a cup of tea and some music.
If I feel any urges, I think I need to come back here and just write about it, get it out of my head that way. But right now I'm feeling pretty good.
Hoping all of you are doing well, and staying strong!
Man, feels kind of strange to be back to day 1 again. But hey, it's not about the numbers, it's about the attitude that changes towards something better.
I went for a hike with my dog, just trying to focus on breathing properly and being mindful of the things around me, the sounds and everything. Going to work out for about half an hour now, then allow myself to relax for a bit before dinner. Around 8 or 9 I will sit down and to something creative, whether it's writing or anything else. I'm looking forward to it, just taking some time for myself to improve on something over a cup of tea and some music.
If I feel any urges, I think I need to come back here and just write about it, get it out of my head that way. But right now I'm feeling pretty good.
Hoping all of you are doing well, and staying strong!