Finally posting

searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Hey @Dungalef - just a quick one to say big kudos to you for getting straight back onto that horse. 200 clean days this year is absolutely phenomenal - why on earth would you let a brief lapse obscure that!

You're on the path to something special and are being such an inspiration for lots of us following your journey.
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Man, what an encouraging thing to sign in here and find! Thanks so much, @searching4good. It means a lot to have people like you invested in my journey, means more than it really feels like it should honestly haha. Don't really know you guys, and yet knowing you're following my journey and cheering for me is so encouraging.
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 2

Onwards and uupwards! Good day today. Worked away from home today with 0 incidents at all. There were definitely a few moments here and there where I found my attention drawn somewhere sexual, but managed to avoid chasing anything down. Also found my brain flitting occasionally back to the porn experience from a couple of days ago, but that's normal. Just processing life events, and I avoided turning it into fantasizing at all.

Mood was ok today, although I'm really tired. It's been a demanding season lately, partly because my wife has been stressed and on edge lately. We had a fun family Halloween time though; our kids were adorable in their costumes.
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 3

Going strong! Normally after a relapse my mind gets into a funk for a while...I notice it especially when my wife and I have sex. I just feel a bit...bleh, like I have a porn hangover. Well, this time I feel like I made a clean break right away! Had sex last night, and it was great, I was so mentally just present and relationally connected to my wife. 🙂

Had a few minor triggers today, just in the course of normal internet browsing. Eyes were drawn a couple times, and I was drawn into clicking once on a sketch article. But I resisted right away, it really felt like the reactions were just reflexive and as soon as my awareness kicked in I was in a good place and headed out right away.
 
First_step_thousand_miles

First_step_thousand_miles

Respected Member
Bro you are on the path. Keep it up, I too had a relapse back earlier this yr. Important thing is to get back in saddle, remember what you're fighting for, find activities to replace porn, and go about your life. The changes I've experienced w/ my erections in less than 6 months have been utterly magical. Let's go brother!!!
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Man, suddenly hit by super strong craving to revisit the stuff that I relapsed to. It's like my brain just started compulsively fantasizing about it and visualizing/mentally rehearsing what I would do. Pretty much the last possible stage at which I can pull back. I think I just avoided relapse by a HAIR by bringing it here instead. Not out of the woods, but making this decision to not pursue it right now was big, I think.

It's not worth it! Wasn't worth it last time, wouldn't be this time. I'd just feel like crap afterwards if I did it.
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 17!

Wow, haven't posted in a while. Not fully sure why, honestly. I've been lurking and checking stuff, and I think I wasn't posting partly because I felt like I needed to process how I was feeling about the series of near-relapses, and also partly because I just felt like I needed some breathing space in my recovery, if that makes any sense.

ANYWAY, here I am again. I survived the rocky period at the beginning of the month, just barely haha. I had quite a few near failures. The victory though is that instead of getting defeated, I problem-solved. Figured out the problem area, which was that I'd been spending a lot of time putting our baby to sleep which involved a lot of boredom, so I'd been browsing my phone during that time. And it often ended poorly, since I was in that "just browsing to kill time" mode. So I started leaving my phone outside of the room and reading on my kindle when I needed to sit with the baby, and just making a bunch more deliberate decisions about phone use. And I'm feeling now like I'm in a much healthier place. I was super surprised when I did the math and figured out I was on Day 17, actually. Really encouraging. :)
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
You too, @searching4good!

Day 21

Feeling super horny these last few days, but it's in a good way. My wife and I have had quite a few nights in a row when we've been wanting to have sex but have been foiled for one reason or another, and since I haven't O'd in quite a while I've definitely been feeling it. BUT this is the good kind of sexual energy, the kind that is channeled towards relationship and reality. And I've felt so good lately about where my mind has been at. Not having to constantly fight the temptation to ogle women in the street, not toeing the line with my behavior on the internet... I'm just feeling whole, and free, and good. 🙂 Not invulnerable, just good.
 
Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Just wanted to pause for a moment to recognize what I've accomplished.... This time last year I was struggling to go a single day without some trouble, and almost certainly viewed porn substitutes at least once a week. Now I've reached a point where 3 weeks clean feels like no big deal. That's pretty cool, and pretty encouraging!
 
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Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 23

Finding myself on my phone a bit more again lately. Gonna try and work on that. At the end of the day, though, no porn or porn substitutes so that's the main thing.
 
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Dungalef

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 29.

Coming up on a month! Wooo! It's pretty cool how chill that feels compared to when I started on these forums. Back then I felt like I was clinging onto my streak with white knuckles just to hang on. Now I feel like I'm able to just...not really think about it much. Relapse is always a danger, but it's nice feeling like porn doesn't take up constant real estate in my brain.
 
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