Finally posting

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hero. Do not give in. Porn is like some snivelling manky drug dealer offering you a thrill as a trade. Don’t ever do the trade again. You inspire me.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Thanks, @GBS!

Day 31

Well, today was an utterly miserable day. Up 2+ hours last night with the baby, after a week of bad sleep already (both kids are sick right now). Wife is stressed, and today was a pretty bad day relationally with her too. Feeling discouraged, and exhausted, and stressed myself, and just worn out in so many ways.

And earlier today I spent some time looking at porn substitutes, which was super dumb. Google images on my phone, while I was stuck trying to rock a fussy kid to sleep. I feel good about how I handled it, how I got back pretty quick into the habit of leaving my phone out of the room and just reading stuff on kindle during those times instead. BUT I also am a bit frustrated that I went down that path at all, because it's so dangerous for me and it feels like it reset some progress. I was really enjoying that sense of not thinking about porn all the time, and this has definitely got my brain wanting to go down that path again. I'm not gonna do it, because like GBS said it's just offering me a thrill as a trade for...well, everything. But it's irritating that I opened up conversations with the drug dealer again.

Anyway, soldiering on. Thanks all for your support!
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 0

Well, here we go again. Pretty direct line from the issues yesterday to my relapse. Poked at porn substitutes, got myself hooked, then fought with my wife last night, and this afternoon I followed up with the stuff from yesterday and ended up fully relapsing on Reddit (with no O at least...) Enjoyed it, but in a shallow way, really not worth it. Up and at it again now. This has been a slap-in-the-face reminder of the dangers of "peeking."
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Haven't been having a very good time of it the last few days. Haven't really relapsed, but I've been browsing sexy stories on Reddit, and it's super bad for me and very borderline. Working through it right now, trying to figure out how to burn the ships. (@Ezel 🙂)
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 10

Not counting my actions last week as a relapse, partly because right now I don't really care about defining what exactly counts as a relapse. What matters is the progress.

Last couple of days have been much better, I feel like I might have managed to short circuit the problem, at least for now! Thinking in terms of neutral pathways has helped... It helps me not get obsessed with shame and guilt, but instead to just problem-solve.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Bleh, I gotta figure something out here. Been slowly degrading, behavior slowly getting worse and worse. Haven't binged, but in some ways this slow compromise feels worse, like an edging session protracted over weeks.
 

Simon2

Active Member
Yeah. Read some of your first posts. Remind yourself why you're here! The slow decay always ends in the same place, doesn't it?
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Thanks, @SimonM!

It's a tough thing to fight, no two ways about it. I think I need to go into a zone where I cut it out at all costs, knowing that I'll have some withdrawal. I'll feel for a while like there's nothing else interesting when I'm bored, but that's ok. I'll do things that are just kinda interesting for a while until my dopamine levels reset and I remember how to enjoy normal stuff without itching to constantly escalate to something sexual.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Thanks man, that means a lot! Great to have someone to do this with.

Home alone for a while this morning, same context that I've handled poorly the last couple of weeks. Checking in right away to acknowledge that, and committing to just riding through whatever urges come.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Relapsed again today. :rolleyes: Feeling pretty stupid and I can feel the despair clawing at me, but if there's one thing I've learned this last year it is that nothing is inevitable. You can always relapse, and you can always get back on the bus again. So let's do the latter.

Problematic behaviors that led to the relapse:
Did a pretty good job of not taking my phone into the bathroom or the room where I put the baby to sleep, because those can both be problematic. BUT I started slipping, and right now the pathways are so strong that every time I have my phone in the room in those contexts the urges are super powerful. I need to leave it out, or maybe sometime do a controlled exposure thing where I show myself I can resist it and give myself practice, but not yet heh. SO for now I need to be diligent about leaving my phone behind.

Started off with browsing Google Images, and stuff got fixed into my brain and I had a hard time letting go of the desire to see MORE. Which is really what this whole thing is about, hey? So, Google Images searches for anything even remotely sketchy is a big problem. Anyway, after I had been browsing images in the room, I was home alone so when I came out again I got the computer and started searching there, eventually ending up on reddit where I browsed nudes for like 30-40 minutes.

SO I've blocked reddit on this computer for now, and I'm considering blocking youtube as well if that ends up being a problem. I had all those blocked way back when, and unblocked them in the course of my recovery program, but I've been regressing and need to step up the restrictions again to protect myself. There's more internal stuff I need to process sometime, but it's hard to find time.

Basically, my family has a bunch of time and energy invested in a big overseas move coming up in a couple of months, and I'm super stressed (somewhere deep and subconscious most of the time) about lapsing far enough that I blow that up and am not emotionally ready for the move. I've been feeling so good about it all year, and it really sucks at the last second here to feel like I'm gonna blow it. That's a thing I need to face and deal with, and I need to show myself that I can do it. Because I can, I know I can, I just...haven't been.

And I haven't been posting here lately when I get urges either, which is dumb. Anyway, thank you everyone for your support, it means a lot.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
It's okay @Dungalef. I've been there, especially the google search thing, that's the first part of my ritual. 🤦‍♂️ All we can do is just keep on going.

but if there's one thing I've learned this last year it is that nothing is inevitable.
This is truth. Your life, even with a little bit of porn when you relapse, is considerably better than the alternative.

Have a good holidays.
 

searching4good

Active Member
Sorry to hear about the slip @Dungalef but the most important thing is coming back on here and getting right back on that path again.

Relapsing isn't inevitable - you are putting in that work to get to a better place and should be proud of that.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Thanks so much, @searching4good and @Blondie! Yeah, the slip sucks but I'm just focusing on moving forward. I've been battling this for long enough that I have tons of practice at just picking myself up and carrying on. Retreat isn't an option. It's just about trying to find the most effective ways to battle at this point, not about whether or not I'm staying in the fight. :)

So far so good today, being really strict with myself about trigger-mindfulness. Needing to treat myself like I'm really susceptible at this stage, 'cus I am. I'm used to the feeling this last year of being a little more in control, but for a time I need to back off and just assume my willpower is weak & the neural pathways are strong. And that's fine, I'll get back to where I was. Hopefully soon, but it'll take as long as it takes.
 
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