Holding the Fool (me) to Account

[Blondie]

Day 62 (and, I reminded myself yesterday, about 87 days with only two encounters with P - the end of my binge haze infested life is almost 3 months away - that actually makes me sort of proud of myself - I won't let that go to my head though).

I understand this Simon and can completely sympathize with it. On one hand, it's good to look in the mirror and be proud of the man you see, however, I've been here before, so I know I can't get too cocky either!

It's a balancing act to be sure.

Congrats on day 62 - three months is right around the corner.

 

[Simon2]

Just another day when I won't be looking at P. My focus is on not even letting the option enter my mind. I feel a physical pull to satisfy the craving (achy privates mostly and a bit of a lack of ability to focus), but in my mind there is zero chance right now of going there. I'm just not letting that option exist. I know from past experience that that kind of resolve can vanish in an instant - and has for me when I've had streaks of over 100 days (though that was years ago) - so this is certainly something I have to be vigilant about from moment to moment when I am in a triggering situation.

I long for a time when I won't be thinking about the fact that I'm on day whatever of a clean streak. When I am just clean and not worried about losing a streak. One day...

Going on a date tonight, which is nice.

Day 64

 

[Simon2]

Good day today. Progress on some important fronts professionally. Date night last night that ended well. Today I'm feeling very charged, if you know what I mean, but I shall save it for my wife.

I have been a guy who was on a forum for a few years with an initial long streak and then a string of short ones without ever seeming to get over the hump. Where I kept trying but didn't do. This time I want to do as the last line of this really great poem my counselor shared with me once:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Good day today. Progress on some important fronts professionally. Date night last night that ended well. Today I'm feeling very charged, if you know what I mean, but I shall save it for my wife.

I have been a guy who was on a forum for a few years with an initial long streak and then a string of short ones without ever seeming to get over the hump. Where I kept trying but didn't do. This time I want to do as the last line of this really great poem my counselor shared with me once:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

That's a great poem!

 

[Zeile]

Hey Simon, I just read through your pages and wanted to say thank you. Your honesty and strength and the support provided by others is inspiring. I’m early in my quit, but your writing has upped the game for me. I can never go back. I want to reach that place where I can look back on myself two weeks ago as broken. To have to be crazy to go back. Right now, I’m just not looking at porn, but I know bigger changes await. Thanks!

 

[TryingHarder]

Great work, Simon! Glad the date night went well, therapy is helping, and you're in a good space.

 

[Simon2]

It's been a long time since I was this attracted to my wife. Interesting and great! I always told myself P had no impact on my attraction to her, though I could tell this spring that something was off - when I was truly in the pits of hell.

Procrastinated a lot today, but unlike in the past I was very firm with myself that P was not an option for that. Instead I watched dumb facebook videos and read my book. Not great either but I'll take it... I wonder if I had to be so truly desperate a couple of months ago to finally put a different kind of effort into my recovery. This feels way stronger than any streak I've done before. I am more certain I can keep it going. But for sure the last two years were the worst in terms of the content I accessed. It will take a while before my brain's pathways start to truly fade... Better keep that in mind.

Day 65

 

[Blondie]

This is fantastic Simon.

Congrats on day 65.

I always told myself P had no impact on my attraction to her, though I could tell this spring that something was off - when I was truly in the pits of hell.

When we're in the pit of hell, we'll tell ourselves anything to keep the "magic" flowing.

Thank god we woke up from our madness!

Keep it up.

 

[Simon2]

I realized a couple of days ago that I still had a twitter account that I'd used to be connected to the sex industry here. I also realized that I was emotionally attached to it and did not want to lose it. Not a good sign.

It's been deleted. Logging in right now did get my heart rate up and I DID check out one profile for a very brief time. It was dangerous to log on there. But it's gone. Another bit of weight removed.

Day 66 - looking forward to spending it outdoors pursuing a hobby I love.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

I realized a couple of days ago that I still had a twitter account that I'd used to be connected to the sex industry here. I also realized that I was emotionally attached to it and did not want to lose it. Not a good sign.

It's been deleted. Logging in right now did get my heart rate up and I DID check out one profile for a very brief time. It was dangerous to log on there. But it's gone. Another bit of weight removed.

Day 66 - looking forward to spending it outdoors pursuing a hobby I love.

It's amazing that we can have almost romantic attachments to such things. Good call in deleting it. Since the beginning quitting I have had a number of little shocks, a link here, a photo there - it's not always a 100% clean break. But dealing with it makes us stronger.

 

[Simon2]

One more day and I'm going camping for 5 days. I'll be away from electronics, which will be a really nice break.

Went to the pool with the kids today and that was tricky. My eyes definitely roamed a bit, but I managed to not ogle. Taking off my glasses helped too lol.

Almost 10 weeks. A long way to go yet to make this the rest of my life. Maybe it looks right now like this is easy for me. I joined here and have been clean ever since. The truth is that I have been trying to quit since 1995. Have paid thousands to a counselor (she's great) between 2007 and 2014, was on another forum (throughtheflame, now dead) from 2013 to 2016, had accountability software for a few years, and then totally crashed and burned the last two years.

Don't be me. Don't wait this long to seriously quit. Don't try, but do. Trying never worked for me. This time I hope it's different. Why? Because I'm here yes, but I think if there IS a fundamental difference, it may be just how deep down the hole I was at rock bottom. My lies were hellish. I shoulda been able to take this seriously without that, but here I am. Fuck you porn.

 

[Blondie]

Have a good camping trip Simon!

 

[Simon2]

I'll be gone for about 6 days now. Off into the Canadian Wilderness. I look forward to the break from the digital world. Stay strong everyone! Together we can do this!

I'm exactly 10 weeks into my this journey. Quitting for the umpteenth time, but for the last time.

 

[Simon2]

Well, I'm finally back on here.

I have been away and since I've come home haven't really thought of P much. I did have a triggering event at a concert I went to - boob flashing - which in the past would have made me want to "capitalize" on the trigger. I haven't though.

It's going to be a very busy next couple of weeks. Stressful too. That's good as I won't have much time to get into triggering situations, on the other hand it's bad as stress always increases the urges. P is not an option.

It's been 77 days.

 

[GBS]

Glad to have you back. We missed you. 77 is a massive number and it’s going up, right?

 

[Simon2]

Thanks @GBS!

It is getting to be a big number. I feel right now though, that the number really doesn't matter that much. I am not in a mode where I am trying to stretch it for as long as I can, but for the first time, I think, I am truly committed to just not let it be an option. In these 77 days I have felt a lot of physical urges, pain, lack of focus, etc. However, not once have I actually hovered with my fingers on the keyboard thinking of typing a certain search term, or hovered over a link, thinking of clicking it. I just haven't allowed for any of it at all. I hope it's a sign that this time CAN be different.

Today my balls hurt. Because I am home and the computer is here and I've often given in here. But I am not in danger of giving in today. I am just annoyed that it still causes so much discomfort and wondering how long it will last. I AM still doing some things that I should stop to make this go faster - I often touch myself (just sitting there - putting on a bit of pressure etc) and once in a while I MO - sometimes to take the edge off the pain - which works, but always makes the following days a bit worse again. I would progress faster without MO...

Day 78

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Thanks @GBS!

It is getting to be a big number. I feel right now though, that the number really doesn't matter that much. I am not in a mode where I am trying to stretch it for as long as I can, but for the first time, I think, I am truly committed to just not let it be an option. In these 77 days I have felt a lot of physical urges, pain, lack of focus, etc. However, not once have I actually hovered with my fingers on the keyboard thinking of typing a certain search term, or hovered over a link, thinking of clicking it. I just haven't allowed for any of it at all. I hope it's a sign that this time CAN be different.

Today my balls hurt. Because I am home and the computer is here and I've often given in here. But I am not in danger of giving in today. I am just annoyed that it still causes so much discomfort and wondering how long it will last. I AM still doing some things that I should stop to make this go faster - I often touch myself (just sitting there - putting on a bit of pressure etc) and once in a while I MO - sometimes to take the edge off the pain - which works, but always makes the following days a bit worse again. I would progress faster without MO...

Day 78

I stopped MO at day 68 of no PMO (now on day 54 of no MO) with some similar issues. Reading back on my personal journals, my urges were all over the place. It was chaos for a while. And the lead up to 90 days of no PMO was difficult for me, but now I feel comparatively great. So it definitely can help.

I hope it's a sign that this time CAN be different.

Things ARE different!

 

[GBS]

That’s all brilliant news. @SimonM - the pain is obviously normal and manageable without MO. I am so thrilled that porn is receding. The brain has half given up. I also agree that the numbers are sort of irrelevant and you’re probably in a similar place to me even though my number is bigger. I slightly wonder how those who relapse at 100+ days fell for it. Once you have got this far surely you have learned the power. I think those who don’t go hard core are probably the likeliest to give in.

 

[Simon2]

I've fallen at 100+ days before. But leading up to that I did a lot of borderline stuff. Looking at bikini pics, YouTube videos, etc. In other words, I didn't truly say no to porn. I wanted to be free of it, but I continued to allow it to be an option. So I was constantly fighting my will. And my will power eventually caved.

This time I am realizing that if I allow myself any borderline stuff, it won't last. So none of it is an option. I just don't allow it to happen. I don't think "oh man I want it so bad, maybe I could just looks at a bit of...". That's also why I don't think porn blockers work for me ultimately. If I need those, eventually I'll find a way around them. This time there is only one blocker. It's my ironclad commitment to just not go there.

Now let's not get cocky. This shit could still get me at any moment, if history is any indication! But I feel different in my commitment. I think I finally understand what it means to "take a different road", not just avoid the hole in the old one.

 

[Simon2]

Had a few very stressful days. In the past that would have led to binging for sure. I am feeling the physical urge more whenever I get stressed. And I'm touching myself too much - almost unconsciously, even as I'm writing this.

Wrote an old accountability partner and my councelor to let them know I've figured something out... how to walk down another street. But I know there will be days coming up when the addict will tell me that a little bit of pleasure can't hurt. The further away the P gets, the easier it is to forget the misery it always brings. I recommend re-reading the beginning of every journal. Mine now almost sounds like a different person - but that guy could come back if I let him.

Day 81