Escape and never come back

Phineas 808

Phineas 808

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The true 'day 1' is when you decided this is not how you want to be, and made a decision that, no matter how long it takes, no matter how many retries and redo's we have to do, you were going to quit and escape from porn.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Unfortunately I relapsed today. I was feeling like it was going well but then I broke my no caffeine rule and relapsed. Apparently there is a science that can explain why for some of porn addicts caffeine increases urges and this is what's going on with me, caffeine increases my urges 1000 %. I've been saying I need to quit caffeine for recovery sake and I haven't done it yet because I have a degree of caffeine addiction... That's not an excuse for Christ's sake.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Why does the one affect the other? That's interesting... Could it be, and it's just a question, that for some reason coffee is some kind of cue (trigger) for you? Do you see any direct or indirect relation?

Or, it could be that... having told yourself that you should say, 'No' to coffee, whenever you have a cup, it compounds feelings of letting yourself down, not living up to good intentions or promises made to yourself to quit.

I know that for P-addiction, one of the things that keeps us relapsing is that we don't trust ourselves any more. Our will is weak, and we're too used to letting ourselves down, not keeping promises to ourselves- and so it becomes easier and easier to give in each time.

One way out of that is- first to realize that it's not by will-power, but second, if we're going to enlist will-power to help us to some degree, is to make little promises to ourselves- things we can keep. For example, "I'm going to make my bed every morning." If we keep that (or some other) small promise, we build up confidence in our ability to keep promises to ourselves.

Be well, Escape.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
Why does the one affect the other? That's interesting... Could it be, and it's just a question, that for some reason coffee is some kind of cue (trigger) for you? Do you see any direct or indirect relation?

Or, it could be that... having told yourself that you should say, 'No' to coffee, whenever you have a cup, it compounds feelings of letting yourself down, not living up to good intentions or promises made to yourself to quit.
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No, I've read somewhere that it does something in the brain, it blocks something that has something to do with arousal, I don't know the details exactly but it apparently increases urges, it's not just a trigger. Actually, I think I've read this somewhere on a forum from another porn addict that talked about the same thing. For as long as I can remember I can't get any caffeine without suffering with ridiculous urges for hours. That's why I wanted to eliminate it, to try to minimize the urges as much as I can.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
I know that for P-addiction, one of the things that keeps us relapsing is that we don't trust ourselves any more. Our will is weak, and we're too used to letting ourselves down, not keeping promises to ourselves- and so it becomes easier and easier to give in each time.

One way out of that is- first to realize that it's not by will-power, but second, if we're going to enlist will-power to help us to some degree, is to make little promises to ourselves- things we can keep. For example, "I'm going to make my bed every morning." If we keep that (or some other) small promise, we build up confidence in our ability to keep promises to ourselves.

Be well, Escape.
Click to expand...
Well, yes, that's very true. after years of constant relapsing, it's hard sometimes to think you can bust through everything now. And yes, like you're sayin, it's not about willpower, willpower comes and goes and it's also like a muscle, it gets tired eventually and doesn't do the job properly. Of course, like a muscle, you can exercise it to make it last longer but at the end you still can have so much willpower. One of the keys, I think, is to develop that kind of discipline, where you do the things that you have to do every day regardless of how motivated you are. Recovery is not just a phase, it's a lifestyle. The way I see it, we have to try to find some balance and avoid the extremes like being absolutely obsessed with recovery and waking up every day thinking: "I need to stay away from porn, I gotta stay away from relapse" and, at the other end, be too relaxed, too complacent, not paying enough attention and then getting hit when you least expect it. It probably has to work in the background, like an antivirus for Windows 10, being able to live your life but be ready to catch yourself when you want to get off road. Probably this is the ultimate recovery, I don't know, this is how I feel, but it takes work.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
No, I've read somewhere that it does something in the brain, it blocks something that has something to do with arousal, I don't know the details exactly but it apparently increases urges, it's not just a trigger. Actually, I think I've read this somewhere on a forum from another porn addict that talked about the same thing. For as long as I can remember I can't get any caffeine without suffering with ridiculous urges for hours. That's why I wanted to eliminate it, to try to minimize the urges as much as I can.
Click to expand...
And it's not just in my head, I had been experiencing this long before I even read that, that only confirmed to me what I had started to realize. I kept having problems with extreme urges out of nowhere and then I started to question whether it was the caffeine I had just ingested. One day I just did a search for that online to see if it was just me having this problem and another porn addict talked about the same thing, and explained some science for it (that I don't even know anymore).
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I PMOed yesterday furiously about 3 times because I was hangovered from the night before when I got drunk. Jerking off every day is really that simple: You are feeling how you are supposed to feel. After jerking off almost every day since January 11, I am a textbook example of low dopamine.

Rock bottom is really when you stop digging. Because you can always dig yourself further.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

2 days feels so little and slow because of all the fuckin instances when I had to restart from day 1. It becomes annoying.

Probably my biggest problem is my habit when I wake up. I have a long history (years and years) of "warming-up" with edging to flashbacks in the morning before moving on to do a PMO session just like junkies. And this is giving me problems any time I try to get some abstinence because when I wake up I get this brutal round of porn images in my head. Happened today as well when I woke up I was so close to actually doing the whole warm-up then get the fix thing.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I am so fucked up that I can't even remember how many days of no porn I have. Can you believe that? It should be 2 days, or something like that. I can't even remember my streak after 2 days, that's what it means to abuse this fuckin PMO every day. You reach a point where you are actually mentally ill. The struggle is real, I need to keep going and save myself. I'm very stressed out with a lot of things, binging PMO all day won't help me with that. As a matter of fact, it's made everything worse.
 
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