Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

Finished work and am exhausted, but I know it’s important to recap on the day gone. That’s something I haven’t done well in the past, I’ve been very good in the morning and during the day but switch off at night.

I know if I’m ill at ease and being poorly disciplined, and craving comfort, something is wrong and addressing it is wonderfully healing. I’ve been communicating more with my ex, I’m not as afraid as I used to be to give opinions and it is really good for me. I have done a lot of non-communication in the past an it hasn’t helped anyone.

I’m looking forward to waking up tomorrow with 1 day down, back in recovery.

 

[Androg]

Day 0 PMO free
Craving 8/10

I’m hoping that I’ve learned from the past am and going to try again. I’m at work now so it does limit my access to online porn.

I have joined an online support group and have a better understanding of when I am off, I know I need to watch this and be proactive about my mental state, ignoring it until it goes away fails me badly.

I don’t feel perfect but I need to try again. I need to reflect on what porn has cost me, and what it will cost me if I continue.

wish me luck

Good luck!

 

[Percival]

Evening/night has always been hard for me too, and I've read that psychology suggests that it's because our willpower is much less at night, because it's as affected by (lack of) energy and tiredness as any other part ourselves.

Which means we have to be much more careful about limiting access to temptation when we know our willpower is weak (ironically, that's hard to do because...weak willpower!).

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free
Craving 7/10

it feels great to have an honest day’s recovery behind me. It’s also my first day back at work so I’m adjusting and am a bit tired.

It’s really nice to have a better mindset about my edgyness, I am being active in questioning what is behind my compulsions to drink to much coffee, have too much sugar, not have integrity, and think of porn.

I hope I can do better with my compulsions this time around.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free
Craving 8/10

Tonight I’m planning to do a bit of an impact statement on what porn does to me, I feel I really need to remind myself of it’s negative effects. I had 75 PMO free and as much as I had some struggles it was great and I grew as a person, but this has given me distance from the worst of my porn effects.

I have taken breaks in the past (not 75 days) and have regained something and felt better, when I’ve gone back initially it feels great and it takes a while for my anxiety to increase and my confidence to drop, I don’t notice it happening but all of a sudden I’m a anxious, inefficient mess again. I feel powerless and worried.

I can feel my progress has slipped quite a bit and while it feels subtle it is very dangerous. Without porn I’m strong at my job, I run my social group well and I can advocate and it feels rewarding, natural, and easy. When I’m stuck on porn everything is in question and life can really suck.

I loose my sense of control, power, and safety and the world feels darker.

Staying determined

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 still,

Wiped out after work but it was a mostly good day. I had a chain of emails from my ex, she’s not that well. I didn’t read much of them but I know I need to keep my distance from her, it’s tricky that we have a 15 year old son. It’s hard work but it’s good to acknowledge it.

I am enjoying more self awareness and have been doing some good written journaling, tonight I’m not doing a great deal as I’m spent, it often happens that I have a really tired day a few days into my swing.

I will try to do some exercise tomorrow as I helps me with energy levels and to break my routine. I think I need bed now.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 3 PMO free

feeling ok today. A bit mentally compacted as I try to keep up to speed with things while adjusting to being back at work, it’s important for me to moderate and set myself up so I can mentally slow down.

My ex has been busy sending emails, most of it I don’t read as it negative, circular, and non-productive. It’s a head ache but not something I can easily change.

I like my life a lot more when I slow down and not race. I can be too fast and needy sometimes, I have some lazy co-workers and while people like me much more because I work I feel my lazy co-workers have better mental health because they are less stressed. I need to moderate better, I need to be content with doing a good job and not desperately trying to prove myself.

I know recovery will take time, I fried my brain a fair bit. Every day PMO free is a victory.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 4 PMO free
Craving 7-10

It’s really nice to have a few day of recovery again, I have a lot of thoughts but I don’t dwell much on them.

I am more proactive in my life this time and am feel better for it. I hear that it good for recovery to throw yourself into some hobbies and things like that, that give you happiness to replace the dopamine that isn’t flowing from porn.

I do a social group as a hobby I’m passionate about, and it’s know if I use PMO I’m a different person socially. Much more clunky, nervous, anxious, stressed. PMO ruins so many of my hopes and strengths.

Work is going well but my mind was racing, I’ve worked two let go capture, clarity, and priorities and I’m better now. I have been poor at moderating in the past and that’s all in my control, when I take responsibility for it I run better.

good luck all

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 5 PMO free

I’m at work and it mostly good. My head can race too much with planning and thinking and it can leave my exhausted. Honestly my first week back at work is really hard energetically so I have to be vigilant. I’m not good at feeling closure sometimes and can feel stressed.

I think I’m due some exercise. I loose so much if I go back, I know recovery will take time but it’s better than the anxious mess I am when I focus on PMO. The mornings are the worst, got to distract quickly.

 

[Androg]

New work routines are always tough. It will get easier.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 6 PMO free

Right now the best thing I can do is get out of bed and move in the morning if I can’t engage with something that distracts me. Laying there with thoughts in my head. My relationship with my porn thoughts are changing, I think I used to consider them something terrible, but move I see them as a natural reaction to the current state I’m in.

If my brain replay something I have mentally fought it and this has made it stronger. I need to more just observe that they are there and do something else.

It’s been really nice to be free from PMO for these 6 days, i worried when I start this attempt that my cravings were too strong but I’m doing okay.

Work is good exhausting but I’m getting into my groove, I’ve got a bit of closure on little things that are on my to do list, that can really mess me up when my mind feels like there is no closure and order.

I think I’m going to try to meditate less, it often just sets up a space for PMO flashbacks to flood in. At its best meditation is great for me but not when I’m a bit vulnerable.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 8 PMO free

It was great to do some exercise last night, I feel like I’ve broken things up a bit. It’s take a bit for my brain to get used to work again after a month off. I wish I didn’t work 12 hour days, I’d have more energy to sort things out.

Sometimes I’m affected by how people are and what’s going on in the world, there is a lot of apathy, selfishness and hate in the world it can bring me down. It isn’t actually all doom and gloom but my head can take an existential dread ride and things can feel dark. Really I don’t think things are as bad as part of my predicts and it’s important to focus on positive things in the world and not just negative. Focus is powerful.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

I got a Garmin the other day and it’s been quite interesting to see what it tells me. Firstly that I’m pretty badly stressed, I have sort of understood this but when I see the graphs it gives me so much to think about. I know I can do things better to reduce my stress. There have been some huge outlier days where I’ve been super chilled and elements of those days are what I need to emulate.

I won’t be able to quit PMO if I’m ready to pop with stress, I feel like I have poor stress awareness because it’s been such a constant for me in life. I really value the self awareness that I have gained from this.

Second I’ve seen how badly I sleep, again there have been some exceptions but I generally sleep poorly and it is due to stress. I have done practical things to help (less coffee and screens etc) but the main reason is having things pent up inside. I am going to thing tomorrow where I’m hoping to get some advice with mens groups that I can go to.

I am feeling like my anxiety has come down enough for me to try another reboot. My self care skills have improved and I really need to take self awareness seriously.

I haven’t used porn today so tomorrow I’m hoping to post Day 1 PMO free here and start the journey again. What a shitty relapse!

 

[Percival]

Stress is absolutely a common reason for using porn: for a lot of us, porn works like a drug to numb whatever bad emotion we're feeling, and stress is one of thus. So, you're not at all alone in finding that stress leads you to porn. Same with sleep deprivation and anxiety. The good news is that you're recognizing those root causes and that'll help a lot with the porn.

Keep going!

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 1 PMO free

I like my recovery time in the past. I feel a lot more wise to emotions but I know I need to be so vigilant. If I let me stress and anxiety get on top of me for too long I will relapse.

I need to focus some energy on connecting to others.

good luck out there.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 2 PMO free

I have a sense of control in my life when I’m not using PMO that I lose when I’m in escapism. I’m looking at face to face stuff around me and there are some good options. Feel like my stress is a bit lower and my hope is better. Keen for recovery.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 3 PMO free

I really like the feeling on not using PMO. The morning seems to be the time where I get the most compulsions so I need to get focused quickly in the morning and follow my routine.

This time round I think minimising stress is a huge priority in my recovery, I have been so used to being stressed that I sometimes don’t know that I’m ready to pop and desperate for comfort. Stress reduction is crucial to my recovery, I need to genuinely look at what is affecting me and talk about it. While I have improved with that it’s far from perfect. I need some discipline and courage to make this work.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 4 PMO free

I was just listening to a Dr Trish podcast, talking about love, support, and mentorship etc. It’s painful to hear, I grew up with zero emotional support and have always struggled to connect to others, I’ve really felt alone all my life and it’s been so hard. I’m so guarded too, I try to let people in but I can’t. I have no trust.

Feeling down today but it feels appropriate and natural, I am planning a few calls on Monday to try and find connection, I feel I understand my defence mechanism pretty well and I have to honest with evaluating who to trust.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 5 PMO free

I was exhausted yesterday, feeling better this morning. I’m pretty disciplined around my sleep routine and my morning routine and it’s helping. I don’t always sleep as well as I would like but I’m improving.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 6 PMO free

Yesterday was a nice relaxing day by myself, that can be a little lonely though. I’m listening to podcasts about PMO recovery and find it very beneficial. I have to work hard to stay on track.

one step at a time.