Doing things differently this time

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 21 PMO free

It feels good to get 3 weeks up. Unlike other times in the past I didn’t plan this recovery attempt like the others, it was more like I need a detox for a few days and when I started to get my head a little out of the fog I could really see how bad things were with PMO.

I struggle with everything when I use porn and I can’t achieve much of what I set out to do, it really is not a good life.

I still have an questionable friend in my life who can cause me stress, I have some pretty good boundaries up and am better at explaining things but this really isn’t a friend. While things have been much better lately I had a email last night that set me off. It wasn’t anything that bad either, it’s just knowing this person doesn’t seem to understand me.

All up I think I’m doing well, I got a Garmin with my frequent flyer points a few months ago and it tells me I generally stressed and exhausted. I’m trying to improve the things that affect me and none of that happens if I’m using porn.

 

[sm01561944]

Day 2 PMO free

3 and a half years ago I was diagnosed with autism, it’s been really hard life really, I try hard not to get exhausted and tense but it takes such a toll sometimes. I want to recover and know it takes a lot of work but it is so hard to work out. If you’re push myself too hard I end up burnt out and distressed, and in that state it is very hard to keep up healthily discipline and routine.

I had 75 days of recovery in the past so I know I can do it. I need to make it a real priority to be tactical and not distress myself, there is a lot of advice out there that would be great if I wasn’t autistic so I have to really get the right support.

Thanks

How did you get diagnosed? I only ask because I was born premature and have ADHD and a very mild case of cerebral palsy when I stopped breathing after being born. I would like to check for this as well. Thanks for any advise.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

How did you get diagnosed? I only ask because I was born premature and have ADHD and a very mild case of cerebral palsy when I stopped breathing after being born. I would like to check for this as well. Thanks for any advise.

Hi sm,
I’m saw my doctor and asked for a referral to see a psychiatrist who could diagnose me. I had to try a couple of different psychs and one of them got me to have a separate evaluation that shows I fit the criteria for diagnosis.
Finding the right psychiatrist was the hardest part, once that happened it was pretty easy. I know they’re longer waiting list now but that’s pretty much it.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 22 PMO free

Woke up feeling exhausted today, I did some contemplating and meditation before work and have been feeling so much better. I need to really check in with myself sometimes, I can carry a lot of emotional weight and I can project a lot and be stressed by those projections. The truth will set you free.

I’m definitely as tired as you’d expect after working 2 weeks straight of 12 hour day, I have to keep the discipline up and am doing well. I really don’t want to lose what I’ve got after just 3 weeks, I’m loving being porn sober. This attempt is much easier than the last one, but I have to stay vigilant and keep the discipline.

Stay strong out there

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 23 PMO free

Woke up very early and couldn’t get back to sleep. Sometimes work knocks me around. Being exhausted is hard but I have time off soon. I start seeing my therapist later in the year and look forward to it, I feel my anxiety means work takes more out of me than it should.

Happy to be clean today, hopefully I’ll get a better sleep tonight.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 23 still

A kind of good day. I slowed myself down a bit and realised how much I project onto things, basically i stress myself out a lot. My work team are really nice and I’m enjoying that. I feel a little depressed but I think it will pass quickly.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 24 PMO free

Pretty rough morning, poor sleep, stress and a sense of depression. There have been some strong PMO thoughts too, in the past I would mostly try to just distract from the compulsion (and that’s an important thing) but now I am asking myself why I’m craving.

What’s effecting me is a little bit of work stress and run down, having a lot of things that do and feeling stretched, and the big one, my ex telling me that she and my son are being evicted from their rental. They will have options and none are wonderful but I think she may like the idea of staying at my place when I’m not there, this is a very, very bad idea for my mental health.

I think because I’m tired I’m more affected, and more vulnerable, it’s probably going to work out alright.

 

[Androg]

Day 24 PMO free

Pretty rough morning, poor sleep, stress and a sense of depression. There have been some strong PMO thoughts too, in the past I would mostly try to just distract from the compulsion (and that’s an important thing) but now I am asking myself why I’m craving.

What’s effecting me is a little bit of work stress and run down, having a lot of things that do and feeling stretched, and the big one, my ex telling me that she and my son are being evicted from their rental. They will have options and none are wonderful but I think she may like the idea of staying at my place when I’m not there, this is a very, very bad idea for my mental health.

I think because I’m tired I’m more affected, and more vulnerable, it’s probably going to work out alright.

Sounds like a tough situation. Be gentle with yourself.

Remember, the urge to PMO is the urge to find feelings of well-being. That’s a healthy urge. Unfortunately, PMO does not deliver what it promises. Stick to other ways.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 25 PMO free

I am have more cravings in the morning but they pass quickly. It helps so much that instead of only trying to distract and repress the craving I ask myself why it’s there. There are a few things happening that are affecting me.

I’m at work for 3 weeks at a time, it’s a bit challenging at times. I have 6 days left until I go home and I’m exhausted, I’m feeling doubtful at the moment about expectations on me, I’m autistic so it can be harder for me to read what is expected of me. Everyone likes me and I am told I do a good job, and part of that is because I am so dam insecure about things that I push myself hard. Objectively i know I do a really good job, but emotionally I’m insecure. I can’t wait to get back into therapy in December.

I’m doing some good disciplines though and am feeling grateful. I saw another post about how so much of our sexual desires are about distraction from anxiety and depression. It feels so true to me, I don’t know how purely healthy MO can be, I like being PMO free.

Thanks

 

[Androg]

Hang in there! You're doing great.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 26 PMO free

Pretty good place today. I feel like my brain is getting better and I like it. I lose so much when I use porn, my life gets harder and darker. I’m getting much better at relaxing which is actually very important, if I just sit around being tense I will need to release that tension some how. I can have hours of downtime that aren’t the least bit relaxing, I’m looking forward to my relaxation time much more Han in my last recovery attempt.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 27 PMO free

Late post today, very hectic day, which was good until I got irritable right at the end at a co-worker. It’s really no big deal and just a sign of exhaustion.

I’m pretty good, I have porn thought come and feel I handle them better than last time, I’m still pretty early on in the brain rebooting thing so I know I need to be patient and keep doing the right things. I’m listening to a meditation to stop porn every day, as well as posting here and doing journaling and affirmations. I often listen to recovery podcasts and do walks and exercise. I know there are other things I can try but I feel like I’m keeping it realistic.

4 more shifts of work before I head home for my break, I’m so glad I’ve not relapsed out here and it’s actually not been too hard. In a relatively good place

 

[Qwertyxyz]

28 days PMO free

Today at work was much calmer than yesterday but I was certainly feeling wiped out from the day before. I’m very glad to stop now and relax. The morning was mess for compulsions but they passed.

I’m really looking forward to getting home and doing things that I want to do, porn took so much hope, energy, and potential from me. It’s a terrible addiction that made me very unhappy. Here’s to a better future.

 

[Percival]

You're doing great!

Porn is indeed like drugs or alcohol: it makes you feel worse, but you keep doing it because you feel better and forget your trouble for a little while. It takes strength of character to change that, whereas all it takes to relapse is to give up.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 28 PMO free
4 weeks

Got a little confused with which day I was on but I know Tuesday is another full week clean. I’m learning to relax more easily and that is so important for me, I have been so tense most of my life.

I have 2 days to go until I have 3 weeks off so I’m happy for that. I’m certainly tired and a bit frayed so I need to stay aware and vigilant. I’ve certainly had some compulsive thoughts and need to remember my brain is healing and I am early on in recovery.

I’m looking forward to doing some proactive life stuff when I get home, I love what I can do when I’m PMO free. Considering giving up coffee when I’m a bit further along in recovery, I think it might affect my anxiety and sleep, but not just yet.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 28 still

Long day, I’m tired now and need rest. I can sort of feel my brain trying to revolt a little but I’m staying on course. I know rewiring takes time and I have to be careful not to feed the cravings.

My mental health seems better and I like that. I really want to get to 90 days

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 29 PMO free

Dealing with fatigue. Feeling a bit stretched but I’m ok. Some compulsions this morning but they passed. Enjoying my clean time.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 29 still

One more day at work than I’m home. Today was interesting, I wanted to MO in the morning but held off. I thought about it and realised how much rewiring my brain needs to do, I’m pretty stressed and haven’t built up my mood regulation.

I feel very clunky socially when I’m this and that gets in the way of me expressing myself and connecting to others. I realise how much I can project onto others and how that causes me stress. So I’m waiting out the stress, comforting myself until I can get home and regain my energy.

 

[Androg]

Day 29 still

One more day at work than I’m home. Today was interesting, I wanted to MO in the morning but held off. I thought about it and realised how much rewiring my brain needs to do, I’m pretty stressed and haven’t built up my mood regulation.

I feel very clunky socially when I’m this and that gets in the way of me expressing myself and connecting to others. I realise how much I can project onto others and how that causes me stress. So I’m waiting out the stress, comforting myself until I can get home and regain my energy.

Enjoy your break! You are doing very well.

 

[Qwertyxyz]

Day 30 PMO free

I’m feeling better today, I’m trying to not get too fatigued. When I’m fatigued my social anxiety goes up and I don’t connect with others, this is bad as I need connection to talk about my experiences and feel validation and understanding.

I realised I drop the habit of taking a bit of extra time in my day to stop and reassess, not a long time, but it helps me slow down and get out of ‘must get work done’ state of mind. I find taking time to stop, comfort myself, and slow my brain makes me much more efficient, calm, and happy.

Managers might frown on me taking extra breaks but everyone does it and I’m not a robot, I’m a much better, happier worker when I get to reset myself and do a little bit of self care.