AStansfield's Reboot Journal
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AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 69 No PMO / Day 49 No Fap
No PMO Day 69
Jokes aside. Today was an okay day. I hit 72kg 5x5 for bench but I still stalled on 126kg for squat. Wednesday i'll have to put in 105% to get it.
My friend is coming sometime tomorrow. I'm a tad bit nervous to be honest - I don't feel equipped to deal with something of this scope.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
No PMO Day 69
Jokes aside. Today was an okay day. I hit 72kg 5x5 for bench but I still stalled on 126kg for squat. Wednesday i'll have to put in 105% to get it.
My friend is coming sometime tomorrow. I'm a tad bit nervous to be honest - I don't feel equipped to deal with something of this scope.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 70 No PMO / Day 50 No Fap
Ordinary Day. Not much to say. Guess i'll just go away.
Mad rhymes.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
Ordinary Day. Not much to say. Guess i'll just go away.
Mad rhymes.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 71 No PMO / Day 51 No Fap
3rd time in a row where I couldn't get 126kg on the squat - even worse I only managed 2 sets instead of the 4 sets the previous attempts (was aiming for 5). Last night I was out drinking trying to cheer up my friend and I definitely didn't eat well. Perfect combination for a terrible day in the gym.
I also haven't been eating enough, so i'm upping my calories by 300.
@Chris Oz She's doing better. She arrived last night and has settled in pretty easily. I've known her for a long time and she's basically like an older sister to me. I haven't really had to change anything, as she's only going to be here for 2-3 weeks until she finds her own place.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
3rd time in a row where I couldn't get 126kg on the squat - even worse I only managed 2 sets instead of the 4 sets the previous attempts (was aiming for 5). Last night I was out drinking trying to cheer up my friend and I definitely didn't eat well. Perfect combination for a terrible day in the gym.
I also haven't been eating enough, so i'm upping my calories by 300.
@Chris Oz She's doing better. She arrived last night and has settled in pretty easily. I've known her for a long time and she's basically like an older sister to me. I haven't really had to change anything, as she's only going to be here for 2-3 weeks until she finds her own place.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 72 No PMO / Day 52 No Fap
Nothing to report - see you space cowboys!
Nothing to report - see you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 73 No PMO / Day 53 No Fap
Pretty shit day if i'm being honest. My workout in the gym was a disaster - I had to abandon my Squat Set and my Bent Over Row set. My lowerback and legs are just murdered.
Despite the increase in calories, I think it (no duh) has more to do with the 90 minute bike rides I do between Squat Days ON TOP of the inadequate diet.
I have to accept I can't fast track my goals and take it at a stable pace. I'm able to do this with nofap/no pmo, so doing it with fitness shouldn't be an issue logically.
Beyond this however I've just felt pretty inadequate overall. Just one of those days I guess.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
Pretty shit day if i'm being honest. My workout in the gym was a disaster - I had to abandon my Squat Set and my Bent Over Row set. My lowerback and legs are just murdered.
Despite the increase in calories, I think it (no duh) has more to do with the 90 minute bike rides I do between Squat Days ON TOP of the inadequate diet.
I have to accept I can't fast track my goals and take it at a stable pace. I'm able to do this with nofap/no pmo, so doing it with fitness shouldn't be an issue logically.
Beyond this however I've just felt pretty inadequate overall. Just one of those days I guess.
Well, that's all for this report - see you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 74 No PMO / Day 54 No Fap
Nothing to report - see you space cowboys!
Nothing to report - see you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
Completed: Day 75 No PMO / Day 55 No Fap
Once again... nothing to report. I guess I do have something to talk about but I'll probably leave it for tomorrow.
See you space cowboys!
Once again... nothing to report. I guess I do have something to talk about but I'll probably leave it for tomorrow.
See you space cowboys!
AStansfield
Active Member
I think it's time for a big important post. This will be Part 1.
The last week has been miserable in terms of mental health. The new semester is closing in and the anxiety is increasing. Why you may ask?
Because I don't want to see my ex and her boyfriend. It's a long story but basically she got together with me because her current boyfriend was unavailable - and she left not soon after he became a possibility.
I didn't discover this until many months after we broke up from a friend of hers. Needless to say it has weighed on my mind for close to 9 months now. Corona isolation has made it worse.
The reason is because I'm constantly comparing myself to her new boyfriend. Even though my friends say he is a loser (he's failed the 1st year of our course twice, and he's about to go for his 3rd attempt. We're all going into 3rd year now, so he's massively massively behind) - I can't help but feel inadequate.
I really really cared for my ex - she was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, first time, etc. To find out I was just a placeholder is nothing short of devastating.
In all honesty, the entire reason behind losing 14kg (so far), grinding my university studies, and NoFap/NoPMO is an attempt to surpass him in everyday and prove i'm not the loser she and everyone else thinks I am.
I've been overweight for the last 4 years. I've been studying to barely pass and just BARELY making the cut for every exam - I have yet to remotely even be midrange on any exam - a farcry from my high school years where I was a machine that turned out perfect score after perfect score and was ranked in the top percentile of hundreds of students.
I'm on a grand crusade to prove not only to myself, but to my ex and everyone else that I'm not the complete waste of space I've presented myself as for the past few years.
I've gotten through video game addiction and i've slowly built up habits my old self could never have dreamed of possessing. I'm getting somewhere.... and now onto part 2.
The last week has been miserable in terms of mental health. The new semester is closing in and the anxiety is increasing. Why you may ask?
Because I don't want to see my ex and her boyfriend. It's a long story but basically she got together with me because her current boyfriend was unavailable - and she left not soon after he became a possibility.
I didn't discover this until many months after we broke up from a friend of hers. Needless to say it has weighed on my mind for close to 9 months now. Corona isolation has made it worse.
The reason is because I'm constantly comparing myself to her new boyfriend. Even though my friends say he is a loser (he's failed the 1st year of our course twice, and he's about to go for his 3rd attempt. We're all going into 3rd year now, so he's massively massively behind) - I can't help but feel inadequate.
I really really cared for my ex - she was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, first time, etc. To find out I was just a placeholder is nothing short of devastating.
In all honesty, the entire reason behind losing 14kg (so far), grinding my university studies, and NoFap/NoPMO is an attempt to surpass him in everyday and prove i'm not the loser she and everyone else thinks I am.
I've been overweight for the last 4 years. I've been studying to barely pass and just BARELY making the cut for every exam - I have yet to remotely even be midrange on any exam - a farcry from my high school years where I was a machine that turned out perfect score after perfect score and was ranked in the top percentile of hundreds of students.
I'm on a grand crusade to prove not only to myself, but to my ex and everyone else that I'm not the complete waste of space I've presented myself as for the past few years.
I've gotten through video game addiction and i've slowly built up habits my old self could never have dreamed of possessing. I'm getting somewhere.... and now onto part 2.
AStansfield
Active Member
This is Part 2 of my big important post, concerning the present and future.
I've been edging on and off for the past two weeks (with increasing frequency/duration). Yesterday I read that edging, even to my own fantasies, is incredibly detrimental. I was shocked and it gave me an anxiety spike.
This compounded with the last week of poor mental health and it led to be M'ing about 40 minutes ago. I was edging as per usual and I crossed the threshold and... that's all she wrote.
The strangest thing however is that it didn't feel enjoyable at all. In fact, instead of being discouraged I was empowered.
Going by a timeline from a website (https://www.antidopamine.com/stop-porn/daily-timeline/), the author's opinion is that a relapse on NoFap is only truly a relapse when you M multiple days in a row (the chaser effect).
So I've made a deal with myself. Right now it's Monday August 31st, approx 11:00 AM. If I can make it to Friday September 4th 9:00 PM (when I usually write in my journal) without M'ing or edging at ALL, I will not reset my nofap counter.
Reasoning? Because an alcoholic isn't an alcoholic if he drinks every 55 days. This is about addiction. It is about self control. I refuse to punish myself for a singular moment of weakness.
The last time I M'd, it was after 3 weeks of NoFap. I spent 3 days M'ing due to the chaser effect. I've now set a challenge that exceeds this.
So long as I avoid M and edging for the next 5 days, I will resume my counter as if nothing happened. This is the real test of self control - if I can overcome the chaser effect and maintain the process.
I won't post until Friday. Wish me luck friends and may you find strength in your journeys. I leave you with a personal mantra of mine.
"It's good to remember the difference between stopping and quitting. This helps me when I'm feeling a bit lost or down on myself. If you've ever strayed from what you feel you were supposed to do or who you were supposed to be - remember that everyone has to stop. Whatever it is we're doing, whatever our grand ambitions are in life, we stop. We have to stop. We have to take a piss, or go to bed, or go on vacation, or we have a kid and not have much time to ourselves etc. But quitting is stopping without ever beginning again. So as long as you're here, as long as you're alive and pulling air through your lungs, you can begin again. And if you begin again, then you haven't quit. So begin again!"
I've been edging on and off for the past two weeks (with increasing frequency/duration). Yesterday I read that edging, even to my own fantasies, is incredibly detrimental. I was shocked and it gave me an anxiety spike.
This compounded with the last week of poor mental health and it led to be M'ing about 40 minutes ago. I was edging as per usual and I crossed the threshold and... that's all she wrote.
The strangest thing however is that it didn't feel enjoyable at all. In fact, instead of being discouraged I was empowered.
Going by a timeline from a website (https://www.antidopamine.com/stop-porn/daily-timeline/), the author's opinion is that a relapse on NoFap is only truly a relapse when you M multiple days in a row (the chaser effect).
So I've made a deal with myself. Right now it's Monday August 31st, approx 11:00 AM. If I can make it to Friday September 4th 9:00 PM (when I usually write in my journal) without M'ing or edging at ALL, I will not reset my nofap counter.
Reasoning? Because an alcoholic isn't an alcoholic if he drinks every 55 days. This is about addiction. It is about self control. I refuse to punish myself for a singular moment of weakness.
The last time I M'd, it was after 3 weeks of NoFap. I spent 3 days M'ing due to the chaser effect. I've now set a challenge that exceeds this.
So long as I avoid M and edging for the next 5 days, I will resume my counter as if nothing happened. This is the real test of self control - if I can overcome the chaser effect and maintain the process.
I won't post until Friday. Wish me luck friends and may you find strength in your journeys. I leave you with a personal mantra of mine.
"It's good to remember the difference between stopping and quitting. This helps me when I'm feeling a bit lost or down on myself. If you've ever strayed from what you feel you were supposed to do or who you were supposed to be - remember that everyone has to stop. Whatever it is we're doing, whatever our grand ambitions are in life, we stop. We have to stop. We have to take a piss, or go to bed, or go on vacation, or we have a kid and not have much time to ourselves etc. But quitting is stopping without ever beginning again. So as long as you're here, as long as you're alive and pulling air through your lungs, you can begin again. And if you begin again, then you haven't quit. So begin again!"
Sorry to hear that AStan. It sounds like a self-esteem issue.
Edging is highly detrimental and tantamount to relapse. Whether you choose to reset your counter or not is your business. But regardless of what you do, the plan should be to avoid PMO for as long as possible in future ? edging is M.
Relapses are common. Come back stronger.
Edging is highly detrimental and tantamount to relapse. Whether you choose to reset your counter or not is your business. But regardless of what you do, the plan should be to avoid PMO for as long as possible in future ? edging is M.
Relapses are common. Come back stronger.
AStansfield
Active Member
I should have clarified - but no P was involved whatsoever.
I made my decision based off the last time I M'd (which also had no P involved).
My progress didn't feel reset whatsoever - in terms of the timeline i've been following it progressed normally but with a "lagtime" since I was setback of course.
I will post on Friday about how these next few days are - every minute detail.
I made my decision based off the last time I M'd (which also had no P involved).
My progress didn't feel reset whatsoever - in terms of the timeline i've been following it progressed normally but with a "lagtime" since I was setback of course.
I will post on Friday about how these next few days are - every minute detail.
AStansfield
Active Member
Day 1 Complete
I'm not going to go into details - but a personal crisis lead to a very dark place - a very dark place and i'm embarrassed to say I'm back at square one, albeit all the wiser.
I'm not going to go into details - but a personal crisis lead to a very dark place - a very dark place and i'm embarrassed to say I'm back at square one, albeit all the wiser.
Chris Oz
Well-Known Member
It's alright Stanfield... We've all been there.
Just build on what you've already started and had. You went 75 days no PMO and 55 days no Fap. That's incredible... Like I haven't been able to match that.
So dust yourself and build on that. We are humans and slips happen. Just get the ball rolling again and apply some more measures. ( I'm having great help with the blocker x app on my mobile)
I'm sorry about the stuff with your ex. I don't really know much about relationships, but I know a little about life.
"If it's not meant for you, you won't have it, no matter how hard you try. And if you try too hard, you'd live a miserable life"
Get over your wishing and thinking of what-ifs and just move on.
Time heals and that's a fact. One thing I suggest you do is to meet new people and find positive activities that will give you Fulfilment.
And lastly remember you have nothing to prove to anyone, only yourself. The world is just a big play, deep inside we all fragile creatures.
Do this for you and win an Oscar!
It was nice coming here, I was having serious flashbacks. I recently relapsed and broke down in my resolve but I'm still fighting and trying as you can see.
It will all work out somehow, we just gotta have faith
Keep pushing back
Chris
Just build on what you've already started and had. You went 75 days no PMO and 55 days no Fap. That's incredible... Like I haven't been able to match that.
So dust yourself and build on that. We are humans and slips happen. Just get the ball rolling again and apply some more measures. ( I'm having great help with the blocker x app on my mobile)
I'm sorry about the stuff with your ex. I don't really know much about relationships, but I know a little about life.
"If it's not meant for you, you won't have it, no matter how hard you try. And if you try too hard, you'd live a miserable life"
Get over your wishing and thinking of what-ifs and just move on.
Time heals and that's a fact. One thing I suggest you do is to meet new people and find positive activities that will give you Fulfilment.
And lastly remember you have nothing to prove to anyone, only yourself. The world is just a big play, deep inside we all fragile creatures.
Do this for you and win an Oscar!
It was nice coming here, I was having serious flashbacks. I recently relapsed and broke down in my resolve but I'm still fighting and trying as you can see.
It will all work out somehow, we just gotta have faith
Keep pushing back
Chris
AStansfield
Active Member
Day 2 Complete
@Chris Oz
Thank you, your words mean a lot in times like this. Together to the top!
@Chris Oz
Thank you, your words mean a lot in times like this. Together to the top!
AStansfield
Active Member
Hello friends. It has been much too long.
I fell into the abyss - not just concerning NoFap but also emotionally and mentally as well. I wanted to return to these forums at prior times but I felt as though I had very deeply failed. The progress I was making was incredible - and I threw it all away.
I was putting off making this post for as long as possible. I wanted to come back with some tangible progress and in a better state of mind overall.
Now finally, here we are. I'm about to finish Day 7 of NoFap/NoPMO - my renewed effort began when I finally stabilised enough to think it was worth a shot to go for the 90 Day Mark again.
Urges thus far have been incredibly minimal - far less than the other two times I was on the 7 Day Mark. In my prior experience, the first 3 weeks are the most difficult hurdle to get a streak going. Wish me luck friends, it is certainly good to be back!
I fell into the abyss - not just concerning NoFap but also emotionally and mentally as well. I wanted to return to these forums at prior times but I felt as though I had very deeply failed. The progress I was making was incredible - and I threw it all away.
I was putting off making this post for as long as possible. I wanted to come back with some tangible progress and in a better state of mind overall.
Now finally, here we are. I'm about to finish Day 7 of NoFap/NoPMO - my renewed effort began when I finally stabilised enough to think it was worth a shot to go for the 90 Day Mark again.
Urges thus far have been incredibly minimal - far less than the other two times I was on the 7 Day Mark. In my prior experience, the first 3 weeks are the most difficult hurdle to get a streak going. Wish me luck friends, it is certainly good to be back!