Day 302
I wrote this piece a few days ago in the Partners of Rebooters and Addicts section and I thought I'd post it here. It was a response to a good article
@Gracie posted a while back ago that was titled
The Looking Thing. I find there is a remarkable demarcation between this side of the forum and that side. This isn't a problem
per se for me, but it's an interesting observation nonetheless.
The first part of this piece I tried to set up in a biological sense why us men have the propensity to gaze at almost anything that moves! Then I go on to explain the female equivalent to the male gaze. Some of this is pulled from evolutionary psychology and the social sciences which I find to be extremely fascinating and quite illuminating. However, social theories are one thing, reality is often a little more subtle with variations of gray in between. Nevertheless, common sense shows a lot of this is to be true on a day to day basis.
After I wrote it, I let my girlfriend read it because I wanted to know what she thought about my God's eye view of human sexuality
. She loved it and said she mostly agreed with it. She naturally mentioned I was over generalizing, but still agreed with the overall message. Of course I retorted, exceptions only prove the rule! I love this this kind of shit, and talking about it is extremely fun and rewarding for me.
Please note, there is some in the Manosphere who use this theory in a very misogynistic way, where women must be controlled because of their "nature" blah blah, you know the story. What I write here has nothing to do with that shit. I'm a man who likes the truth, the cold hard truth, even if it makes you cry in the end. I truly believe you can't fix your life until you remove all the bullshit from your goggles and see reality for what it is. Also, writing as man, I think think it's very important to differentiate between our "porn addiction" and our naturally beautiful sexuality. I strongly believe we won't fix our porn problem if we don't address both issues head on.
The problem with porn is it's such a shame based addiction, that it often leads us to overcompensate and start feeling shame about being a man as well. This isn't good and it's not helpful for a true recovery.
Gracie's article is first, mine follows.
This from 2014. But worth a read.
Could the basking in the attention of the ladies be a contributing factor to your wife's mood swings? Menopause is a pretty tough thing to go through. It means to a lot of us that we are indeed getting old. Getting the scan turned off after stopping porn was tough for my husband. This article helped a lot.
Dear Porn Doc:
One of my biggest problems isn’t necessarily looking at porn…but rather looking at women—a lot. In fact, I am often not even aware that I am doing it and have really gotten into trouble with both my current girlfriend as well as in past relationships. What are some tips in stopping this?
Porn Doc:
You have a “looker.” In fact, most men are visual creatures anyway, but when you also struggle with compulsive sexual behavior, the looking takes on more of an obsessive quality. “I can’t stop looking.” “If I don’t look, I’ll miss out on something.” To bring a deeper awareness to your looking, I recommend the following interventions as some short-term solutions:
1. The Two-Second Rule—A simple intervention is to use a two-second rule. This is essentially a self-monitoring tool to establish some control and boundaries around the looking. When a person notices that he is indeed looking too much, he then gives himself “permission” to look one time and one time only, up to two seconds. The idea is if you are aware enough to slap a limit on the looking, then they are aware that they are crossing the line.
2. Other Women’s Body Parts Aren’t My Business—Men reveal that they often feel obligated to look, as if it’s their job. Or they might worry that they will miss out on something. A simple reminder—or mantra—is to remind yourself that the woman who has caught your attention is none of your business; she does not know you; she did not wear those clothes for you; she does not welcome you. You need not look.
3. She Is A Person—Obsessive looking usually involves objectifying. Notice your language when you’re looking and what you are saying (internally or out loud). You may be saying to yourself something like: “Look at those breasts!” “Look at that butt, those legs.” The list goes on. Remind yourself that she is a person by lending her some humanity. She is somebody’s daughter. She is somebody’s sister. She is somebody’s mother. She is somebody. Not an object.
This helped my husband and I work through the "looking thing"
Give it a try it could help both you and your wife.
My article
In general, men are polygamous and women are hypergamous, thus you get men looking at everything that moves and women only wanting the best that they can get, I like to call this the Mr. Darcy phenomenon
. Obviously this is a over generalization, but in general, I find generalizations to have much truth in them, even if modern society doesn't want to admit it for political or social reasons.
We can see this happening right before our eyes on a day to day basis. Most guys who go out on the weekends to "get laid," will go back emptyhanded afterwards and unfortunately use porn as their only sexual outlet that night. These lonely guys would have hooked up with almost any girl at the bar, because that's how us guys are, especially if it's only for a night. Bad personality? it matters not!
However, for most women, they damn well know that they could have almost any guy at the bar, even if they're average looking, thus, they try to go home with the best man they can get. No woman says "I got lucky tonight!" Unless she wound up with the best dude at the bar!
Again, an over simplification, but there's much truth in it. This doesn't make girls more moral than us guys, or make us men dogs, but it's just the facts and we all know it to be true. Now if we want to admit it or not is another matter!
You can see this with jokes on the internet, with guys making memes with a picture of their wife on their wedding day looking like she's going off to prison, compared to the day she met Jason Momoa and she's practically losing herself in his arms. lol. Talk about an insult to his masculinity, and doing this right in front of him! Poor chump. This is the equivalent of us dudes looking at everything that moves, it just happens less, because well, there's only so many "Jason Momoas" to go around. Thus, both sexes do this shit, it's just in different ways. Women want the best they can get, and men, although it's true we also want the best, we would also just about do anything that was handed to us on a platter.
Variety is the spice of life for us men, which is why porn is so devastating for us - it gives us everything and nothing at the same time.
So what does these worthless ramblings have to do with your article Gracie? Quite a bit actually!
I agree with most of it in general, but maybe for different reasons than you.
The two second rule is golden and I definitely try to follow it most of the time. However, the way I see it is this, if you truly love women, why the hell would you want to be a creep and lose your chances with them by staring? I've never understood when guys do this, it just makes so sense to me. This crap only works in the movies, and we all know how truthful they are!
Another reason I don't do this is because as a man and in a monogamous relationship, seeing something you can't have is just frustrating and does the body and mind no good. The way I see it is this, there's really no reason to check out a woman unless you plan on hitting on her and going up to talk to her. Besides for that, what's really the point of the exercise, you get nothing out of it.
Of course, checking out a woman and appreciating her beauty are two entirely different things. The former really has no purpose if you're in a relationship, and the latter, well I will never apologize for that. Ironically, the former is dying day by day, while the latter grows exponentially the further I get away from porn.
You ladies truly are the greatest things.
And though I agree with the third point, and you'll find many posts I've done mentioning this very fact, it's not entirely the truth of the matter. As a man I can appreciate a beautiful pair of boobs while still not objectifying them and wanting to know the woman they belong to. Of course it's also true I can do the latter and only objectify her and think of nothing else. One is a problem that porn definitely fuels, and the other is not a problem whatsoever, and is just a man being in awe of the fairer sex.
Being a man is nothing no man should ever apologize for.
Best
Blondie.