Porn is not an option
- Thread starter Blondie
- Start date
Winnerwhoabstains
Active Member
Hey man! Keep up the good work!
Blondie
Respected Member
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Keep it up my man! I just got back for a solid workout and was driving back home calling my mom just discussing day to day life....feeling completely content, no thoughts of porn creeping into my head. I remember thinking in that moment 'wow what an incredible life where I feel in control of my own Destiny, without unnatural urges'. It truly is a future worth reaching out for my man. Freedom tastes beautiful
Blondie
Respected Member
Love you brother. Let's keep aiming high.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 14!
Damn, I tell you what, two week out feels great. I need to be careful though, I can tell I'm still close to ground zero. Maybe a few light urges, however, nothing strong. I think my problem is when I'm still this relatively close, I can bullshit myself to do it, because I'm only "two weeks out or whatever", thus, I'll be here to stay sharp and stay on the straight and narrow. This also played a factor on my new years relapse because I was not even "three months out", thus, I said fuck it that night unfortunately. It would be a lie to say I'm over that big relapse last fall, my thoughts can still get caught up in that event sometimes, though I can say the smoke has definitely started to settle. I just reread what I had posted not even 24 hours before new years, and it's humbling to read. In only 24 hours I would forget my own reality for a few hours, although everything I said the day before I utterly believed about "staying the course" etc. Scary indeed.
Also back in school this week which is going great so far. Everything has momentum as they say, and my hard work has definitely started to pay off. Once again, long term benefits over short term pleasure is what we all have to figure out in our lives. I'm still trying to work on this but I'm starting to see how great it is.
Lets keep fighting.
Love you man.
Damn, I tell you what, two week out feels great. I need to be careful though, I can tell I'm still close to ground zero. Maybe a few light urges, however, nothing strong. I think my problem is when I'm still this relatively close, I can bullshit myself to do it, because I'm only "two weeks out or whatever", thus, I'll be here to stay sharp and stay on the straight and narrow. This also played a factor on my new years relapse because I was not even "three months out", thus, I said fuck it that night unfortunately. It would be a lie to say I'm over that big relapse last fall, my thoughts can still get caught up in that event sometimes, though I can say the smoke has definitely started to settle. I just reread what I had posted not even 24 hours before new years, and it's humbling to read. In only 24 hours I would forget my own reality for a few hours, although everything I said the day before I utterly believed about "staying the course" etc. Scary indeed.
Also back in school this week which is going great so far. Everything has momentum as they say, and my hard work has definitely started to pay off. Once again, long term benefits over short term pleasure is what we all have to figure out in our lives. I'm still trying to work on this but I'm starting to see how great it is.
This is beautiful @First_step_thousand_miles, and yes, it is what it's all about.
Lets keep fighting.
Love you man.
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TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Hey Blondie, I'll gently remind you of your previous post about the dangers of saying "fuck it" and eating a whole bag of cookies.
I know years ago when I would quit and then relapse I had a similar twisted logic: well, I might as well enjoy myself or okay that one didn't count I'll do it again and then quit or whatever. You don't need those empty calories and you certainly don't need porn, brother.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 16
Thank you @TryingHarder. I definitely need a good reminder from time to time, and I appreciate it. Yes, the "fuck it" attitude is the worst spot to be in. And at least speaking for myself, it's amazing how quickly I can fall into it after the initial relapse, thus, probably why I wrote that post. I'll go read that right now. Nothing like reading your own post for inspiration.
Thanks again.
You all have a great porn free weekend.
Thank you @TryingHarder. I definitely need a good reminder from time to time, and I appreciate it. Yes, the "fuck it" attitude is the worst spot to be in. And at least speaking for myself, it's amazing how quickly I can fall into it after the initial relapse, thus, probably why I wrote that post. I'll go read that right now. Nothing like reading your own post for inspiration.
Thanks again.
You all have a great porn free weekend.
Blondie
Respected Member
Day 17
I just want to state right here for you all, that when I blew it on new years, and the following three days, the last night I did a cam session. I'm not proud about this fact in any way, nor was I trying to "keep" it from you guys, but for whatever reason I just haven't got around to saying it. Furthermore, that also means I haven't got around to saying it to my Lady either. This is a conversation I have put off since coming back from my trip because of the many stressful projects on my plate at this moment, and thus, I just didn't have the emotional strength to go there. I will tell her, and will not keep it from her, because that's what hurt her so bad last time, but I just needed a little time to even figure out why the hell I even went there (cams) in the first place. I did tell here about looking at porn though, I just didn't tell here what else I did.
So why do I even do this shit?
Of course, I think it's all too easy to blame it on "dopamine" or "addiction", however, the way I see it, there has to be more to it than just that. I'm not saying those things aren't realities, because they are, but I do think they are often symptoms of greater unresolved issues, and the "addiction element" only finds its strength because of these underlying issues within us. It's almost like the addiction is a parasite in need of a host, and our unresolved issues are that host. Thus, take care of the issues, and the parasite has nothing to attached itself to. Now maybe for some of us, this isn't the case, and the artificial high that porn gives is really the main factor and nothing more. Of course, none of us are better or more "special" than the other, however, as for myself, I would say porn plays second fiddle to my unresolved issues, and it is these things in particular that pull me back to it. For example, my unresolved issues with my parents and what happened in my childhood was a hugh factor in this nonsense. I took care of the issue last fall, and now I can say that part of my life is considerably better than it's ever been. Hence, facing life and not running from it (porn) is how I fix this problem in my life, although I'm sure dopamine plays some role in this too.
So why oh why did I talk to a cam stripper?
I say "talk" because that's all I did gentlemen. I didn't get off to her. I wasn't touching myself. I literally told her not to strip or "perform", thus, I never saw her naked. I just talked to her about my "problems" and we laughed about the difficulties of monogamy and "webcam" culture, among other topics. I told her I had had an option to cheat on new years eve, and because of this fact, I ridiculously came on the cam site because I was "horney" and didn't want to make a mistake. I told her I loved my Lady and would never want to hurt her. I told her I would never cheat on her, even though secretly, I've often wished I could. I told her our sex was great but that, sometimes, I just wish I could have had more experiences, and after years of being together, that itch gets really strong, especially when an option presents itself in a foreign country, which has always been my greatest fantasy. I told her all my current fears and stresses which I should of told my girl before I left the country, but because I wanted to have a good Christmas without "drama", I put on my happy face and marched on like some mindless Christmas robot. Thus, at the end of the cam session, it was almost like I had talked to a therapist sitting in lingerie more than a striper. On one hand, I was happy because I hadn't done anything "stupid" and actually felt mentally better opening up to someone, however, I also felt utterly stupid and full of shame, thinking, Did I actually just do that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I haven't done this in two and half years, why now?
Was doing this cam bullshit better than actually screwing up with some foreign woman in a foreign country? Absolutely! But why couldn't I have done the better option? That is, that both options were off the table.
When I got home, I told my lady those fears (or most of them), and we got through it. She didn't leave me, and she hasn't left me. But my loneliness is an issue, and it's because I don't open up about my fears or thoughts, especially concerning our relationship, that has often led me to relapse. If you don't open up and be real, you'll never feel "accepted" for who you are, and thus, feel a wall a separation between you and others. Of course, she knows about all my other reasons for relapsing, but I've never told her this one, because it evolves us. If I told her these fears and doubts about this relationship, especially after this length of time, fuck it might end it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be content in a relationship, and that, I will always wonder, what if? Two of my greatest fears in life are: being old and realizing, there is nothing "perfect" out there, and what I had (my current lady) was enough. My other fear, following that one, is that no matter who I end up with, I will always feel something is lacking, and I'll never have the "what if" voice in my head shut up. Of course, I damn well know there is nothing "perfect" out there, I'm not a moron, at least not completely. However, why can't I put ring on it? I secretly envy men who can walk down the aisle because they seem to be so sure. What alternative reality are they living in? And why do I have to be so different? Of course, I have a hard time being "sure" about a lot things, and thus, everything is open to interpretation, and there's always more "data" to be had. Well this is good for research papers and shit, but when it comes to settling down or making big life decisions, this mental "strength" doesn't exactly make it easy. For a long time I thought this "problem" was maybe because of porn, and how it sexualizes women, however, at almost two years out, it was even more so. Why? Because I'm not just talking about sex, or having random sex, though sure that's part of it, I'm really talking about different personalities and who would be the best to settle down with in the long-term. When you're hooked on porn, this shit (at least for me) wasn't on my mind as much, it was only after I got away from it, where I could start seeing things more clearly.
These are random thoughts for today, I just needed to get it out of my system.
Also, just to be perfectly clear, if you need to talk to someone about your problems, I would definitely recommend a certified therapist compared to other, more seedy options.
Fuck me
You all have a great porn-free Sunday
P.S. Yesterday, while cleaning up the kitchen, a particular tennis magazine that my Lady subscribes to was just distracting the living hell out me. I wouldn't say I was tempted, but let's be honest, all eyes were on deck and it was hard not to stare at the curvaceous woman in booty shorts. I picked up the magazine and walked to my Lady and asked her with a shit eating grin if I could throw it away, while holding the picture up in the air. She laughed and said, "I didn't know tennis turned you on so much"
Maybe she is the "one" after all.
Over and out.
I just want to state right here for you all, that when I blew it on new years, and the following three days, the last night I did a cam session. I'm not proud about this fact in any way, nor was I trying to "keep" it from you guys, but for whatever reason I just haven't got around to saying it. Furthermore, that also means I haven't got around to saying it to my Lady either. This is a conversation I have put off since coming back from my trip because of the many stressful projects on my plate at this moment, and thus, I just didn't have the emotional strength to go there. I will tell her, and will not keep it from her, because that's what hurt her so bad last time, but I just needed a little time to even figure out why the hell I even went there (cams) in the first place. I did tell here about looking at porn though, I just didn't tell here what else I did.
So why do I even do this shit?
Of course, I think it's all too easy to blame it on "dopamine" or "addiction", however, the way I see it, there has to be more to it than just that. I'm not saying those things aren't realities, because they are, but I do think they are often symptoms of greater unresolved issues, and the "addiction element" only finds its strength because of these underlying issues within us. It's almost like the addiction is a parasite in need of a host, and our unresolved issues are that host. Thus, take care of the issues, and the parasite has nothing to attached itself to. Now maybe for some of us, this isn't the case, and the artificial high that porn gives is really the main factor and nothing more. Of course, none of us are better or more "special" than the other, however, as for myself, I would say porn plays second fiddle to my unresolved issues, and it is these things in particular that pull me back to it. For example, my unresolved issues with my parents and what happened in my childhood was a hugh factor in this nonsense. I took care of the issue last fall, and now I can say that part of my life is considerably better than it's ever been. Hence, facing life and not running from it (porn) is how I fix this problem in my life, although I'm sure dopamine plays some role in this too.
So why oh why did I talk to a cam stripper?
I say "talk" because that's all I did gentlemen. I didn't get off to her. I wasn't touching myself. I literally told her not to strip or "perform", thus, I never saw her naked. I just talked to her about my "problems" and we laughed about the difficulties of monogamy and "webcam" culture, among other topics. I told her I had had an option to cheat on new years eve, and because of this fact, I ridiculously came on the cam site because I was "horney" and didn't want to make a mistake. I told her I loved my Lady and would never want to hurt her. I told her I would never cheat on her, even though secretly, I've often wished I could. I told her our sex was great but that, sometimes, I just wish I could have had more experiences, and after years of being together, that itch gets really strong, especially when an option presents itself in a foreign country, which has always been my greatest fantasy. I told her all my current fears and stresses which I should of told my girl before I left the country, but because I wanted to have a good Christmas without "drama", I put on my happy face and marched on like some mindless Christmas robot. Thus, at the end of the cam session, it was almost like I had talked to a therapist sitting in lingerie more than a striper. On one hand, I was happy because I hadn't done anything "stupid" and actually felt mentally better opening up to someone, however, I also felt utterly stupid and full of shame, thinking, Did I actually just do that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I haven't done this in two and half years, why now?
Was doing this cam bullshit better than actually screwing up with some foreign woman in a foreign country? Absolutely! But why couldn't I have done the better option? That is, that both options were off the table.
When I got home, I told my lady those fears (or most of them), and we got through it. She didn't leave me, and she hasn't left me. But my loneliness is an issue, and it's because I don't open up about my fears or thoughts, especially concerning our relationship, that has often led me to relapse. If you don't open up and be real, you'll never feel "accepted" for who you are, and thus, feel a wall a separation between you and others. Of course, she knows about all my other reasons for relapsing, but I've never told her this one, because it evolves us. If I told her these fears and doubts about this relationship, especially after this length of time, fuck it might end it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be content in a relationship, and that, I will always wonder, what if? Two of my greatest fears in life are: being old and realizing, there is nothing "perfect" out there, and what I had (my current lady) was enough. My other fear, following that one, is that no matter who I end up with, I will always feel something is lacking, and I'll never have the "what if" voice in my head shut up. Of course, I damn well know there is nothing "perfect" out there, I'm not a moron, at least not completely. However, why can't I put ring on it? I secretly envy men who can walk down the aisle because they seem to be so sure. What alternative reality are they living in? And why do I have to be so different? Of course, I have a hard time being "sure" about a lot things, and thus, everything is open to interpretation, and there's always more "data" to be had. Well this is good for research papers and shit, but when it comes to settling down or making big life decisions, this mental "strength" doesn't exactly make it easy. For a long time I thought this "problem" was maybe because of porn, and how it sexualizes women, however, at almost two years out, it was even more so. Why? Because I'm not just talking about sex, or having random sex, though sure that's part of it, I'm really talking about different personalities and who would be the best to settle down with in the long-term. When you're hooked on porn, this shit (at least for me) wasn't on my mind as much, it was only after I got away from it, where I could start seeing things more clearly.
These are random thoughts for today, I just needed to get it out of my system.
Also, just to be perfectly clear, if you need to talk to someone about your problems, I would definitely recommend a certified therapist compared to other, more seedy options.
Fuck me
You all have a great porn-free Sunday
P.S. Yesterday, while cleaning up the kitchen, a particular tennis magazine that my Lady subscribes to was just distracting the living hell out me. I wouldn't say I was tempted, but let's be honest, all eyes were on deck and it was hard not to stare at the curvaceous woman in booty shorts. I picked up the magazine and walked to my Lady and asked her with a shit eating grin if I could throw it away, while holding the picture up in the air. She laughed and said, "I didn't know tennis turned you on so much"
Maybe she is the "one" after all.
Over and out.
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Blondie
Respected Member
Day 18
I like the guy who wrote this post. I need to remember him more. Reading that post again, and seeing the sentence below, made me remember what I believe and the values I want to uphold.
I would rather have that hard conversation with my Lady than look at porn again.
Words to live by this week. Words to live by forever actually. And unfortunately, words I have forgotten over the last while.
Porn destroys our values. It makes us weak men. It makes us cowards. It makes us selfish. It makes us run away, when we should be running towards life, running towards our women, running towards our goals, and more importantly, running towards our truth, and definitely, telling the truth. However, instead of fixing our relationships or deciding to move on, porn just makes us passive partners, unwilling to do either option. Maybe porn isn't our greatest sin, but rather, complacency is.
Coward. Coward. Coward.
I'm scared shitless to tell you the truth gentlemen, but I have to tell her. I know not where this is leading, but I can guess it won't be pretty. There is a storm a brewing on the horizon, and there's no Jesus here to calm it. There's only me and my bullshit and the empty silence of that reality. There's only so much forgiveness in a woman's heart, and damn us for taking advantage of their goodwill. Damn me anyways. Shit will be hitting the fan real soon, and it's all my fault. I can't blame this on my "addiction". I can't blame this on my "love" of women. This is my fault and I have to take full responsibility for it. The buck stops here as they say in my neck of the woods.
This whole cam bullshit is something I've never done before until the last few years. And I did it five times in total before I finally confessed to her like the dumb ass that I was. The sixth time was this last time a few weeks ago. Whenever I did it, for a whole year I just said I looked at porn (which I had) but said nothing more about what "else" I had done. What a fucking coward I was, and still am apparently! What can I say, I was too ashamed and felt so stupid to have gone there. Who the hell pays to see a cam, when there's "quality" porn for free on Pornhub? I mean if you're going to be that stupid, just go to a strip club for fuck's sake, at least it's a "real" experience. Nevertheless, when I finally fessed up, I thought it would be over. I thought she would not forgive me. I thought "we" would end. She did finally forgive me though, but it was a rough patch there for a while. Although we both don't think porn is cheating, this cam shit is in a very grey area, but even then, she didn't think it was real cheating. She's knows I've turned down easy options in real life too, so maybe that gives her a different perspective about this nonsense. Either way, what hurt her the most was that I had hid it from her for a whole year, thus, shutting her out and not letting her help me. We were supposed to be a team and fight this shit together, not a wanker alone out in the wilderness, lying to himself and his girl. And on a personal note, when I relapsed last fall after two years of freedom, I felt "happy" that I only looked at "old-school porn", but now, well... that's not the story.
There's the man I want to be, and then there's the man I still am from time to time, but damn I hate that old man in me. I can hardly recognize the old man now, which is a good thing, but unfortunately, it's not just me who has to deal with my old self, it's my woman as well. We tell ourselves the greatest lie when we think it's just us and the screen in front of us, no harm done, is our motto. What selfishness. What lack of character. What lack of responsibility! It's never just us, it's our women too, and what we do in the dark (or in another country) affects our relationships and future character, and to think otherwise is to not be thinking at all.
It's only five little words, "I looked at a cam", but damn, in reality, those words are not so easy to say. But reality is exactly what I need at the moment. Reality will cleanse you from your sins. Reality just might save us. Reality is our freedom
You can't walk on water, until you've begun to sink.
I would rather have that hard conversation with my Lady than look at porn again.
I like the guy who wrote this post. I need to remember him more. Reading that post again, and seeing the sentence below, made me remember what I believe and the values I want to uphold.
I would rather have that hard conversation with my Lady than look at porn again.
Words to live by this week. Words to live by forever actually. And unfortunately, words I have forgotten over the last while.
Porn destroys our values. It makes us weak men. It makes us cowards. It makes us selfish. It makes us run away, when we should be running towards life, running towards our women, running towards our goals, and more importantly, running towards our truth, and definitely, telling the truth. However, instead of fixing our relationships or deciding to move on, porn just makes us passive partners, unwilling to do either option. Maybe porn isn't our greatest sin, but rather, complacency is.
Coward. Coward. Coward.
I'm scared shitless to tell you the truth gentlemen, but I have to tell her. I know not where this is leading, but I can guess it won't be pretty. There is a storm a brewing on the horizon, and there's no Jesus here to calm it. There's only me and my bullshit and the empty silence of that reality. There's only so much forgiveness in a woman's heart, and damn us for taking advantage of their goodwill. Damn me anyways. Shit will be hitting the fan real soon, and it's all my fault. I can't blame this on my "addiction". I can't blame this on my "love" of women. This is my fault and I have to take full responsibility for it. The buck stops here as they say in my neck of the woods.
This whole cam bullshit is something I've never done before until the last few years. And I did it five times in total before I finally confessed to her like the dumb ass that I was. The sixth time was this last time a few weeks ago. Whenever I did it, for a whole year I just said I looked at porn (which I had) but said nothing more about what "else" I had done. What a fucking coward I was, and still am apparently! What can I say, I was too ashamed and felt so stupid to have gone there. Who the hell pays to see a cam, when there's "quality" porn for free on Pornhub? I mean if you're going to be that stupid, just go to a strip club for fuck's sake, at least it's a "real" experience. Nevertheless, when I finally fessed up, I thought it would be over. I thought she would not forgive me. I thought "we" would end. She did finally forgive me though, but it was a rough patch there for a while. Although we both don't think porn is cheating, this cam shit is in a very grey area, but even then, she didn't think it was real cheating. She's knows I've turned down easy options in real life too, so maybe that gives her a different perspective about this nonsense. Either way, what hurt her the most was that I had hid it from her for a whole year, thus, shutting her out and not letting her help me. We were supposed to be a team and fight this shit together, not a wanker alone out in the wilderness, lying to himself and his girl. And on a personal note, when I relapsed last fall after two years of freedom, I felt "happy" that I only looked at "old-school porn", but now, well... that's not the story.
There's the man I want to be, and then there's the man I still am from time to time, but damn I hate that old man in me. I can hardly recognize the old man now, which is a good thing, but unfortunately, it's not just me who has to deal with my old self, it's my woman as well. We tell ourselves the greatest lie when we think it's just us and the screen in front of us, no harm done, is our motto. What selfishness. What lack of character. What lack of responsibility! It's never just us, it's our women too, and what we do in the dark (or in another country) affects our relationships and future character, and to think otherwise is to not be thinking at all.
It's only five little words, "I looked at a cam", but damn, in reality, those words are not so easy to say. But reality is exactly what I need at the moment. Reality will cleanse you from your sins. Reality just might save us. Reality is our freedom
You can't walk on water, until you've begun to sink.
I would rather have that hard conversation with my Lady than look at porn again.
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
For sure bro, stay away from the cam stuff. Anything that seems like it isn't porn but actually basically is (cam girls, OF girls, AI girls, prostitutes) will basically replicate the same effects...maybe to a lower extent initially but you'll crave more novelty and it'll reach regular porn levels quickly enough. In some ways, using these alternatives is worse because it is more 'real' and damages us in the way we look at real life relationships.
None of us are perfect, I've had plenty of screwups myself that are 'grey' but each step we take there drives us further into the dark. I've even read erotica in brief spurts basically out of boredom (no MO obv) but realized quickly I needed to exit and not look at it again. All of it twists us in subtle ways, just a little bit here and there won't damage us too much IF WE STAY THERE...but the truth is, no one ever stays there! We all escalate into worse crap and it leaves us craving something we're not getting IRL and makes us more disatssfied. Anyway you probably know all this but it sometimes helps to hear it again at the right time. You got this man
None of us are perfect, I've had plenty of screwups myself that are 'grey' but each step we take there drives us further into the dark. I've even read erotica in brief spurts basically out of boredom (no MO obv) but realized quickly I needed to exit and not look at it again. All of it twists us in subtle ways, just a little bit here and there won't damage us too much IF WE STAY THERE...but the truth is, no one ever stays there! We all escalate into worse crap and it leaves us craving something we're not getting IRL and makes us more disatssfied. Anyway you probably know all this but it sometimes helps to hear it again at the right time. You got this man
Blondie
Respected Member
Thank you @First_step_thousand_miles, and you're absolutely right, none of this in "innocent" and can only lead to more bullshit down the road. The only way to get rid of the pull of it, not to mention the shame, is to confess and own up to it.
Love you brother.
Love you brother.
Ezel
Respected Member
My guy.