Day 17
I just want to state right here for you all, that when I blew it on new years, and the following three days, the last night I did a cam session. I'm not proud about this fact in any way, nor was I trying to "keep" it from you guys, but for whatever reason I just haven't got around to saying it. Furthermore, that also means I haven't got around to saying it to my Lady either. This is a conversation I have put off since coming back from my trip because of the many stressful projects on my plate at this moment, and thus, I just didn't have the emotional strength to go there. I will tell her, and will not keep it from her, because that's what hurt her so bad last time, but I just needed a little time to even figure out why the hell I even went there (cams) in the first place. I did tell here about looking at porn though, I just didn't tell here what else I did.
So why do I even do this shit?
Of course, I think it's all too easy to blame it on "dopamine" or "addiction", however, the way I see it, there has to be more to it than just that. I'm not saying those things aren't realities, because they are, but I do think they are often symptoms of greater unresolved issues, and the "addiction element" only finds its strength because of these underlying issues within us. It's almost like the addiction is a parasite in need of a host, and our unresolved issues are that host. Thus, take care of the issues, and the parasite has nothing to attached itself to. Now maybe for some of us, this isn't the case, and the artificial high that porn gives is really the main factor and nothing more. Of course, none of us are better or more "special" than the other, however, as for myself, I would say porn plays second fiddle to my unresolved issues, and it is these things in particular that pull me back to it. For example, my unresolved issues with my parents and what happened in my childhood was a hugh factor in this nonsense. I took care of the issue last fall, and now I can say that part of my life is considerably better than it's ever been. Hence, facing life and not running from it (porn) is how I fix this problem in my life, although I'm sure dopamine plays some role in this too.
So why oh why did I talk to a cam stripper?
I say "talk" because that's all I did gentlemen. I didn't get off to her. I wasn't touching myself. I literally told her not to strip or "perform", thus, I never saw her naked. I just talked to her about my "problems" and we laughed about the difficulties of monogamy and "webcam" culture, among other topics. I told her I had had an option to cheat on new years eve, and because of this fact, I ridiculously came on the cam site because I was "horney" and didn't want to make a mistake. I told her I loved my Lady and would never want to hurt her. I told her I would never cheat on her, even though secretly, I've often wished I could. I told her our sex was great but that, sometimes, I just wish I could have had more experiences, and after years of being together, that itch gets really strong, especially when an option presents itself in a foreign country, which has always been my greatest fantasy. I told her all my current fears and stresses which I should of told my girl before I left the country, but because I wanted to have a good Christmas without "drama", I put on my happy face and marched on like some mindless Christmas robot. Thus, at the end of the cam session, it was almost like I had talked to a therapist sitting in lingerie more than a striper. On one hand, I was happy because I hadn't done anything "stupid" and actually felt mentally better opening up to someone, however, I also felt utterly stupid and full of shame, thinking,
Did I actually just do that? What the fuck is wrong with me? I haven't done this in two and half years, why now?
Was doing this cam bullshit better than actually screwing up with some foreign woman in a foreign country? Absolutely! But why couldn't I have done the better option? That is, that both options were off the table.
When I got home, I told my lady those fears (or most of them), and we got through it. She didn't leave me, and she hasn't left me. But my loneliness is an issue, and it's because I don't open up about my fears or thoughts, especially concerning our relationship, that has often led me to relapse. If you don't open up and be real, you'll never feel "accepted" for who you are, and thus, feel a wall a separation between you and others. Of course, she knows about all my other reasons for relapsing, but I've never told her this one, because it evolves us. If I told her these fears and doubts about this relationship, especially after this length of time, fuck it might end it. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be content in a relationship, and that, I will always wonder,
what if? Two of my greatest fears in life are: being old and realizing, there is nothing "perfect" out there, and what I had (my current lady) was enough. My other fear, following that one, is that no matter who I end up with, I will always feel something is lacking, and I'll never have the "what if" voice in my head shut up. Of course, I damn well know there is nothing "perfect" out there, I'm not a moron, at least not completely. However, why can't I put ring on it? I secretly envy men who can walk down the aisle because they seem to be so sure. What alternative reality are they living in? And why do I have to be so different? Of course, I have a hard time being "sure" about a lot things, and thus, everything is open to interpretation, and there's always more "data" to be had. Well this is good for research papers and shit, but when it comes to settling down or making big life decisions, this mental "strength" doesn't exactly make it easy. For a long time I thought this "problem" was maybe because of porn, and how it sexualizes women, however, at almost two years out, it was even more so. Why? Because I'm not just talking about sex, or having random sex, though sure that's part of it, I'm really talking about different personalities and who would be the best to settle down with in the long-term. When you're hooked on porn, this shit (at least for me) wasn't on my mind as much, it was only after I got away from it, where I could start seeing things more clearly.
These are random thoughts for today, I just needed to get it out of my system.
Also, just to be perfectly clear, if you need to talk to someone about your problems, I would definitely recommend a certified therapist compared to other, more seedy options.
Fuck me
You all have a great porn-free Sunday
P.S. Yesterday, while cleaning up the kitchen, a particular tennis magazine that my Lady subscribes to was just distracting the living hell out me. I wouldn't say I was tempted, but let's be honest, all eyes were on deck and it was hard not to stare at the curvaceous woman in booty shorts. I picked up the magazine and walked to my Lady and asked her with a shit eating grin if I could throw it away, while holding the picture up in the air. She laughed and said, "I didn't know tennis turned you on so much"
Maybe she is the "one" after all.
Over and out.