Day 38
I’ve had some urges these past days. For some reason I went and looked at some cams a few days ago - I was quickly out of there, but I think it really messed with the thoughts I’m having. One thought is that I was fine just looking once, so what’s the big deal this time? I know better of course, so I keep telling myself I don’t want to do it.
I don’t need to do it, and it’s not something I want to do. It’s just going to lead me to another relapse, for no reason other than being pushed by the addiction towards doing something I don’t really feel like in the first place.
Whatever good or nice feeling I’m after is just an illusion, even if it might feel good in the moment I’m just going to bitterly regret it for days or weeks after. Like, when does it end? I can’t keep going back again and again and expect anything to change here. That’s why I’m recommitting myself to not looking, no matter what. It’s bad for me and I don’t want to look at it anymore.