Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi pal @GrateClips

Your words are a comfort. I needed a tonic and you helped me there. I am a very different person actually from the one who started writing on here back in May. I probably wouldn’t be here were it not for this site. I am possibly about to list my new qualities but then this will turn into a validation exercise and whilst I obviously love the attention, I don’t need it fed. It just doesn’t add up though…..when I was a less good husband I was allowed to touch my wife and have some really quite dirty sex with her, and now I am a good man I can’t.

You asked if there were other things we could improve…..I think she would have said communication but ironically she’s stopped communicating, and doing things together which we are doing.

I personally think she’s just really struggling with the situation and the stress of expectation now we’re 8 months down the road. So I am truly sympathetic and need to give her all the time she needs. I can do that with my head held high. I am getting really close to being able to say that I have the porn problem under MY control. Not complacent, just know I am doing right.

244 days clean from the devil. My brain will not look like it did 8 months ago. I am so relieved I did this.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
245 days no porn

After MO’ing the other day I thought I would have that lull where my libido would drop and I would be less easily aroused (remember I am 60, so these lulls do happen), but au contraire readers. Morning glory is strong, penis remains bigger and I can’t get sex (with my wife) out of my mind. I am not sure if this is good or bad. Feels good of course. But it doesn’t feel normal. I have a theory that when I came, I didn’t release enough of what was built up over 3 months abstinence. We’ll see if I go without how the next week is. Keep you posted. Toddle pip.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
@GBS when you talk about the “quite dirty sex”, I would like to give a perspective. When my husband and were having sex again after working through things, I noticed we were having what porn users called “vanilla sex”. Not anything wrong with that, it felt quite loving. But as we continued so did VSX. This led me to assume the porn determined our sex prior. Which is a shitty feeling indeed. And I rather enjoyed most of it. I have talked to him, but we remain more VSX than “dirty”. So be aware everyone as you move forward with physical intimacy. Maybe best on the way is speak together and determine what will be on the menu. Just a thought.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
@GBS when you talk about the “quite dirty sex”, I would like to give a perspective. When my husband and were having sex again after working through things, I noticed we were having what porn users called “vanilla sex”. Not anything wrong with that, it felt quite loving. But as we continued so did VSX. This led me to assume the porn determined our sex prior. Which is a shitty feeling indeed. And I rather enjoyed most of it. I have talked to him, but we remain more VSX than “dirty”. So be aware everyone as you move forward with physical intimacy. Maybe best on the way is speak together and determine what will be on the menu. Just a thought.

this reminds me of a passage on a book about sex addiction, where the author, who is a Christian pastor but also a recovering sex addict, said that the more he watched porn, the more he wanted his wife to engage in "exciting" sex. But it never fulfilled his needs, only actually seemed to fuel them more. So the idea of more/better/exciting sex doesn't actually solve anything because its not based on a connection.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement @Gracie @Beautiful1973 and @GrateClips

I think my point was that when I wasn’t a good husband I still had sex and it wasn’t vanilla. What I call dirty maybe thoroughly plain to anyone reading this, alternatively I could be the most inventive lover of all time (yeah, right!). Anyway, points taken. Good advice. What I want is truly connected sex actually. Doesn’t “need” to be dirty, but if I could choose….🤷

Actually right now I will take a glimpse of a naked breast given that I have seen absolutely nothing in over 250 days. I want to complain. I want to practice complete honesty and say it’s not fair to torture me. She will say: sit down there for a second….do you have any idea what level of unspeakable hell you put me through? Do you? You do realise this still really hurts, right? 8 months is just enough time to stop crying inside, so if you’re a little hurt because I won’t let you touch my arse, then tough titties, dude……that’s the way it is……..

………..and so I say nothing.

We carry on.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
246 days no porn.

Going to therapy today. To be discussed: three recent rows where I didn’t put my wife first or I displayed my people pleasing side, this triggered my wife to think I am back to the old me. Three small blips, and honestly if I told you the details you’d probably agree very small. And at a time where I have been borderline perfect. Frustration issues and what one can do and say. The total lack of affection (beyond our hugging) which is making me beyond sad. At best bewildered, at worst I feel totally undesired, then I slip into what’s the point, then I snap out of it most times.

Also will discuss the general topic of people pleasing. Should be good. Let y’all know.
 

Nico

Active Member
You are doing so well GBS, that is a very long time without using porn!

I find people-pleasing a tough one - it can be a defence or a manipulation but also so much a part of 'polite society' especially in England! Its hard for me to assess as there is always a genuine desire for others' well-being, and genuine kindness, but I also recognise it can be a strategic default setting driven by the desire to be liked and not fall out with people, and not unlike the trauma response of fawning. I suppose in this case its about finding a balance between her needs and yours, and ensuring both are equally valued in the relationship. Anyway, no answers here, just interested and would love to hear how it goes with the therapist..
 

GrateClips

Active Member
246 days no porn.

Going to therapy today. To be discussed: three recent rows where I didn’t put my wife first or I displayed my people pleasing side, this triggered my wife to think I am back to the old me. Three small blips, and honestly if I told you the details you’d probably agree very small. And at a time where I have been borderline perfect. Frustration issues and what one can do and say. The total lack of affection (beyond our hugging) which is making me beyond sad. At best bewildered, at worst I feel totally undesired, then I slip into what’s the point, then I snap out of it most times.

Also will discuss the general topic of people pleasing. Should be good. Let y’all know.

i hope you have a productive session without knowing your wife i think its important to separate two important issues that are both related but not the exact same.

one is the addiction/porn usage - clearly you have been doing better here. But can she believe/trust you? i know there's an element of faith here on her end. but still hopefully she in general agrees

two is the relationship repair/betrayal. this sounds like it has hit a plateau/stall. maybe she's even taken a step back for all we know. you did mention you needed to communicate better.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
248 days sober.

Took a little rest from journaling. It’s addictive though, so back I come.

Therapy last Thursday very good. Nothing revelatory but perspective on partner recovery and understanding that what seems like her plateauing and disinterest isn’t unusual and should be respected. Not easy to manage and therapist encouraged me to speak up about not getting much positive feedback (let alone any affection).

So what followed was a very nice discussion between me and Mrs GBS, and I empathised and said I understood that her finding her next stepping stone was way harder than me finding mine. But I said in 4 months she’d initiated very few discussions and hadn’t said many positive things, not about me but about us and the direction we;re heading. She took it well and said she’d try. Then we hugged and I got a slight side squeeze of boobs. Yay me!

On my own issues, I am sort of doing monk mode again but not counting. In other words I am steering away from masturbation. It’s more habit now as I came off a 90 day streak (pun intended), and so I understand discipline better. Following my release I thought I would go into that post release slump which for me a year ago could last several days. Not this time. I could have had sex twice in 24 hours had that been on the table. Still pretty horny on a day to day basis but not as desperate I used to be. A very nice feeling currently. I would say that urges to watch porn are as close to zero as they have ever been. Much of that is due to feeling so good. I know after a PMO (back whenever) I wouldn’t feel good. So why go back? (Rhetorical).

A mate (on here) DM’d me the other day: discussion as to whether MO using thoughts of wife is ok, or is that at the top of the slippery slope back to porn. Discussion centred on what is pornographic thought and what is just sexual thought. I don’t think we got to conclusions but I defend that sexual thought can be of my wife naked and that’s ok. If it’s a scenario where it mimics a porn film plot (those plots, eh?) then not ok. I was using the former. I still am unsure whether I am right, but I reckon one knows what’s healthy and what isn’t.

Anyway as this won’t be happening any time soon, it’s probably not very relevant. It’s those day to day thoughts where one isn’t masturbating- that’s when you have to police yourself.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Glad you're doing well @GBS.

A mate (on here) DM’d me the other day: discussion as to whether MO using thoughts of wife is ok, or is that at the top of the slippery slope back to porn. Discussion centred on what is pornographic thought and what is just sexual thought. I don’t think we got to conclusions but I defend that sexual thought can be of my wife naked and that’s ok. If it’s a scenario where it mimics a porn film plot (those plots, eh?) then not ok. I was using the former. I still am unsure whether I am right, but I reckon one knows what’s healthy and what isn’t.
I definitely think of lot of this is a gray area, as you rightly point out. Obviously, setting there, thinking and fantasizing about some porn scene is not conducive to our recoveries and could lead us back to relapse. However, anything else is up to each individual and what they think they can or cannot handle. Thinking of your wife while doing your business, I see no problem with it, but that's me.

And yes, those plotlines were very meaningful lol. A pyrrhic victory for all involved! :cool:

Best to you sir.

 

GBS

Well-Known Member
249 days sober.

Thanks @me20221 and @Blondie

Things good with Mrs GBS, arguably never better. Been here before and one can start to think “I wonder if sex is a few weeks away?” Dangerous thoughts- or not dangerous just possibly unrealistic thoughts that lead to emperor sized bouts of disappointment. So just staying grounded here and que sera etc.

Libido is pretty high. Fantasy world is all but done. So relieved actually. Also , and someone else said this a while back, I look at women and think “she has a pretty smile, what a lovely thing it is to be blessed with that” and not be wondering what she looks like naked in my bed. So glad I am in this place.

And while we’re talking about smiling, you lot are all fighting for second place because Mrs GBS can light up a room with her smile. Utterly extraordinary and a thing of sublime beauty. She has very nice tits too!
 

Ezel

Well-Known Member
249 days sober.

Thanks @me20221 and @Blondie

Things good with Mrs GBS, arguably never better. Been here before and one can start to think “I wonder if sex is a few weeks away?” Dangerous thoughts- or not dangerous just possibly unrealistic thoughts that lead to emperor sized bouts of disappointment. So just staying grounded here and que sera etc.

Libido is pretty high. Fantasy world is all but done. So relieved actually. Also , and someone else said this a while back, I look at women and think “she has a pretty smile, what a lovely thing it is to be blessed with that” and not be wondering what she looks like naked in my bed. So glad I am in this place.

And while we’re talking about smiling, you lot are all fighting for second place because Mrs GBS can light up a room with her smile. Utterly extraordinary and a thing of sublime beauty. She has very nice tits too!
This is so Wonderful my man, you are such a lucky guy, having a wife is a game changer, you are on the right track to get rid of this addiction faster than the rest of us who are still single, god bless you and your family...
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
250 days sober - a nice round number.

Thanks @Ezel for your kind words. I am indeed lucky to have a wife. I would say though, although I obviously don’t know you, that the lessons you’re learning right now and your clean attitude to sex and life makes you a highly desirable man.

Back in mid/late Feb my wife said I had to stop or she’d leave. It really was as simple as that. The ultimate ultimatum if you like. In an odd way it gnaws at me that I am only doing it because of the threat. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am in a way stronger place mentally and I know I would stay clean if my wife left me tomorrow. It’s just that I didn’t have to go through the discipline of the first month or so battling with myself because I knew I had no option (even though obviously I did have the option). Not downplaying my work here, just agreeing with you how lucky I am.

Another day of staring at my wife’s tits lies ahead. Living the dream.
 

Jlied

Active Member
248 days sober.

Took a little rest from journaling. It’s addictive though, so back I come.

Therapy last Thursday very good. Nothing revelatory but perspective on partner recovery and understanding that what seems like her plateauing and disinterest isn’t unusual and should be respected. Not easy to manage and therapist encouraged me to speak up about not getting much positive feedback (let alone any affection).

So what followed was a very nice discussion between me and Mrs GBS, and I empathised and said I understood that her finding her next stepping stone was way harder than me finding mine. But I said in 4 months she’d initiated very few discussions and hadn’t said many positive things, not about me but about us and the direction we;re heading. She took it well and said she’d try. Then we hugged and I got a slight side squeeze of boobs. Yay me!

On my own issues, I am sort of doing monk mode again but not counting. In other words I am steering away from masturbation. It’s more habit now as I came off a 90 day streak (pun intended), and so I understand discipline better. Following my release I thought I would go into that post release slump which for me a year ago could last several days. Not this time. I could have had sex twice in 24 hours had that been on the table. Still pretty horny on a day to day basis but not as desperate I used to be. A very nice feeling currently. I would say that urges to watch porn are as close to zero as they have ever been. Much of that is due to feeling so good. I know after a PMO (back whenever) I wouldn’t feel good. So why go back? (Rhetorical).

A mate (on here) DM’d me the other day: discussion as to whether MO using thoughts of wife is ok, or is that at the top of the slippery slope back to porn. Discussion centred on what is pornographic thought and what is just sexual thought. I don’t think we got to conclusions but I defend that sexual thought can be of my wife naked and that’s ok. If it’s a scenario where it mimics a porn film plot (those plots, eh?) then not ok. I was using the former. I still am unsure whether I am right, but I reckon one knows what’s healthy and what isn’t.

Anyway as this won’t be happening any time soon, it’s probably not very relevant. It’s those day to day thoughts where one isn’t masturbating- that’s when you have to police yourself.
I would say we came to a conclusion where each situation is unique, what works for me may not for you and vice versa. I see the importance of finding beauty in your wife in all ways, I caution over sexualizing that in a fantasizing way. Outside that all is fair in love and recovery 🤣
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @TakeActionNow @Beautiful1973 and @Jlied . Noted not to get on slippery slope of fantasy leading back to the devil. I do know my brain a bit now, and I think the neural pathway I am forging where my wife’s body is the focus is not lying close to other now discarded and destroyed neural pathways. So I think it’s safe, but then I would say that wouldn’t I? Here’s the promise: the second I feel the old me sneaking in the side door I shall reprimand myself and not allow it to take over. The current score is GBS 250 Brain 0. My team has such an amazing defence. Offence wins games, defence wins championships.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Love it, I trust you know yourself better than anyone, but one must ask, what will the reprimand me? Electric shock collar? Swift and firm punch to the nuts? Or might I show up with a leather glove that I might smack across your cheek, in the most gentleman of manners of course.
 
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