Finally sick and tired of being sick and tired

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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Today was good. I got off of hard mode and tried to MO to see where I am. I had a ridiculous case of PE. Not even funny....Lol. The good part is I didn't crave P after it happened like what usually happens. Just wish my PE would fix itself a little bit. Talk about a mood killer. All in all, today was successful. Feeling good and happy. Just about 3 weeks down with no P.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Today was okay. Had strong urges a lot of the day. Can't believe that tomorrow is the 20 day mark for me. Almost 3 weeks, and this time around has been the most mentally challenging reboot I've ever had. Mind tricks often and anxiety have really made attempts to get me off the path. Today was difficult because the urges were just ridiculously strong. I texted my accountability partner and she talked with me as well. Proud of today's victory and looking forward to tomorrow. Back on hard mode and almost 3 weeks down. I like it!
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
20 days without porn. Last night was a struggle and frankly, I'm surprised that I didn't give into the urges. At one point, I was going to, I stopped and thought about it for a second and didn't. This isn't meant to be easy or a walk in the park. I did MO again though and I only needed a little bit of fantasy to get about 70% hard. Gonna go back on hard mode for a month and see where I am after 2 months porn free and 1 month of hard mode. Looking forward to another great day.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Ezel said:
It's been awhile freedom. You good bro??!
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Yeah man. Everything is actually going very well. Got a brand new phone, and so I'm trying to learn how to use it. Lol. It's the first phone I've had in almost a decade that doesn't have porn on it. Planning on keeping it that way. I've been working out and my mental health is better. Urges are down as well. I appreciate you checking in!
 
Ezel

Ezel

Respected Member
FreedomFromTheStruggle_11 said:
Yeah man. Everything is actually going very well. Got a brand new phone, and so I'm trying to learn how to use it. Lol. It's the first phone I've had in almost a decade that doesn't have porn on it. Planning on keeping it that way. I've been working out and my mental health is better. Urges are down as well. I appreciate you checking in!
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Glad to hear it freedom. Keep pushing champ. God bless.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I am on my 3rd week now since my last relapse. In the last few weeks, I've really taken the opportunity to unplug from unhealthy friendships that were affecting me and my mental health. Since doing so, my urges to consume p of any kind have pretty much vanished. I learned that I struggled with self blame and every time I would think about a friendship that ended, or a friend that wasn't treating me well, my mind would go to p and the urge would begin to manifest. Then the cycle began and my anxiety got worse and worse because of both struggles. P became what I medicated myself with, but it never made me feel better, only so much worse mentally and emotionally. I would wake up with a headache and feeling drained all day because I stayed up until 3am looking for that perfect video that doesn't exist. My entire self worth hinged on my friends and that wasn't fair or healthy at all. On May 21, I relapsed and it felt like autopilot where I wasn't in control. Even when I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do, I still did it. After that, I saw the loop and the cycle that my mind and myself were both trapped in, and one day shortly after the relapse, I decided to finally stop reaching out to those people. The last 3 weeks, have been absolutely amazing and life giving. My mental health is improving by the day. I'm waking up better every morning and I no longer feel bad about myself, nor do I blame myself for the decisions of others. I no longer crave p, but i know that if I do that it's not the correct road to go down nor is it healthy. I do have an amazing friend, who has become my accountability partner and she truly is so so amazing. She actually wants to help me get better, and that makes me so happy. I have MO'd a handful of times since my last P relapse and I plan on stopping for a couple of months to let myself heal more. I've had no issues, just doing that to fantasy, which makes me happy and relieved. I know it's just 3 weeks, but I truly feel like I've turned a corner in my life and I am now on the road to where I want to be. Thank you all for your continued support. I'll be back soon with another update for you. Love you all.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Nothing much to report which is usually a good thing. My new phone still has nothing on it that I would be worried about or ashamed of. I'm not afraid to leave my phone somewhere and leave the room, and that's a good feeling. Feeling much calmer now. Gonna keep going in this direction.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
I want to quit MO for good. I know that I can do it without P with very minimal fantasy and that's all I wanted to know. However, now that I've done it a handful of times without P, it frankly has lost it's shine for me personally. It's quite boring and I don't want to use fantasy anymore at all either. I'm posting this to hold myself accountable and today I am beginning my hard mode journey. Lately, I've been working out more than ever, putting myself and my mental health first, doing what I love doing and being happy and free. Might as well get all the bad habits out during the summer of 2023! I'm really proud of myself and the small amount of progress that I'm making. Every day is a step in the right direction. Thank you all for your continued support.
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Man, quitting MO by itself is a thousand times more difficult than quitting pmo all together. I've already reset my streak twice. My biggest success since 2019, is I've finally stopped beating myself up whenever I fall off the track. I've also learned to laugh stuff off that I see by accident instead of letting it manifest itself into an anxiety filled "well you already seen that so you might as well dive into the relapse pool" relapse. I've been my own worst enemy for so long, but I'm learning and I will win in the end. Hope all of you have a great weekend!!
 
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FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
Wanna give you guys an update. My last pmo relapse was on Sunday night. If you're wondering why I went a while without posting, it's honestly because I was embarrassed that I continued to relapse and come on here and give all of you the some old song and dance. It gets to you after a bit and you just kinda get in your own head about things I guess. I appreciate @Blondie for checking in with me a few days ago and inspired me to interact with everyone again. I've realized lately with every relapse, that normal pmo is boring to me now. It doesn't do anything for me nor does it excite me. I think they call that being desensitized. In order to keep this going, I have to move to more hard-core stuff, that's something I'm not willing to even consider. So I'm on day 4 and today the withdrawal symptoms hit me hard. No motivation, tired, hard to concentrate, penis is lifeless and I have a small headache. No matter what, I'm committed to this 150%. Knowing now, that normal pmo is like watching paint dry for me now really is what woke me up. I thought about making an entirely new journal, but then again, when I do finally win and overcome this I want to look back at all of my failures and be proud of myself. Love you guys!
 
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