I'm torn. I want to be done with this obsession.
Spring of 2018 I hit rock bottom. I decided that I needed to quit. I had problems with both porn and other compulsive sexual behaviors. I knew the science to the problem as I had been on these sites since 2015. But, I have not been able to quit. It?s been almost 5 years. And it is expected to require 3-5 years away from this crap to really feel like this is done. So why not commit to the 12-step program?
I realize the theory of 12-step programs is that you are never done. Addiction becomes a part of your life. Understood. If this is negative aspect of program, I also see positives in other realms. 12-step programmer?s eventually give back.
Per the website of the Sexual Addicts Anonymous:
https://saa-recovery.org/
12th Step of SAA:
?Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other sex addicts and to practice these principles in our lives.?
I also realize going it alone was not successful. It?s impossible to beat this thing on shear willpower. Any single or combination of the following: group work, counseling, religion, research, sites like RN or YBOP, or other personal connections, will help. If I am not vigilant, I will return to the addictive behavior. The result of persistent use of high-speed internet porn or other highly repetitive and habitual sexual behaviors never really goes away. Not completely. My brain will work against me. Few if any have ever ?white knuckled? and won against our brain. I don?t think I am going to be the first.
So I struggle with the idea that I have to be identified as an addict or a recovering addict for the rest of my life. Whether I accepted the program ideals or work with other means available, I have a long road ahead.
I hope these thoughts define a journey begun.
Sorry to ramble on...