Escape and never come back

searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
For what it's worth @Escapeandnevercomeback I am always just really impressed at your raw honesty and commitment to keep coming back, even when you do relapse.

Shit, I've sure as hell been too cowardly to post about mine most of the time and end up just going completely off the grid for weeks as a result. Or sugarcoating things. You tell it like it is and that's something I truly admire.

I know it likely won't make you feel any better but I just wanted to share.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
searching4good said:
For what it's worth @Escapeandnevercomeback I am always just really impressed at your raw honesty and commitment to keep coming back, even when you do relapse.

Shit, I've sure as hell been too cowardly to post about mine most of the time and end up just going completely off the grid for weeks as a result. Or sugarcoating things. You tell it like it is and that's something I truly admire.

I know it likely won't make you feel any better but I just wanted to share.
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Hey man, thanks for the comment. I'm completely miserable about how this page of mine has turned up to be. Literally the last like 10 posts or whatever it's me declaring relapses. There is definitely that feeling that I used to do better than this. But at the end of last year I was completely absorbed in my porn addiction then I had a 11 days streak at the beginning of January and since then I've been posting relapses almost daily. It's definitely not what I want to see in my journal but it's the reality of it. I didn't even know if I wanted to post all the relapses. Probably didn't even post all of them. I've been binging with no resistance and no motivation. I honestly don't know how the fuck I'm going to get out of this, I feel no strength in me, I'm completely exhausted mentally, I'm stressed the fuck out with my life. Yes, that's the point: My porn addiction (and drinking) being my forms of self-medication, as my life got more stressful (promotion at work plus responsibility for people's lives), I've increased my PMO frequency, not drinking as much though but probably compensating with copious amounts of fuckin drowning in PMO and all the fuckin perversions I'm watching. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore or what I actually want.

Thanks for support.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Close call after I woke up. I came from night shift (I fuckin hate night shift). I went to work feeling alright then came home sick as a motherfucker. I guess I have the flu or something. Couldn't even sleep more than 2 hours. I woke up and started doing my "edging" thing that I've been doing for years and years in the morning, playing porn fantasies in my head, usually it's accompanied by jerking my dick as well but today it wasn't, but I was so fuckin close, and I just relapsed yesterday 3 times fuckin bullshit...
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Can you just agree with yourself to do one day PORN FREE? That's it, just one day. You can look at porn the next day and jack off to your hearts content. But tomorrow, decide to not look at porn. That's it, just ONE DAY. Anyone can do it. YOU can do it. YOU'VE done it many times before. Because you won't be looking at porn, you'll have all this extra time on your hands, and your hands will especially have more time. Maybe read a book. Go to the park. Work out. Talk to a stranger. Talk to a homeless person. It's only one day, and then return back to your old self the following day. There should be no anxiety about can I do this or not? or Will I past my last streak or not? Because it's only one day.

Please, I beg of you, do something different, but just for one day.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I feel how I'm supposed to feel, of course, low in dopamine following all the PMOing I've been doing. I'm trying to get some momentum. It's demoralizing to always have to write day 1 here but alright, it's day 1, I will try to do it better this time.
 
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